Pynchon

No time tonight. I should be in bed, already. We are off to the smoke tomorrow morning to see Christian Slater in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" at the Garrick Theatre. For some insane reason we are booked on the train at Birmingham New Street at 7am. Madness. It's the weekend, for God's sake, and the matinee doesn't start until 3pm!

Anyway... This evening we watched the return of "Green Wing". Totally bonkers. Totally genius.

There you have it. Back Sunday.

Does Morrissey, by any chance, have a new album out? Cue the bitching.

On Pete Doherty and Kate Moss.

"I think it is unfortunate that he is more associated with the media and the press and hoo ha and the silliness than he is with music. It's a terrible trap and he's jumped straight into it. And Kate Moss has just dragged him down to her level. I don't honestly have an opinion on him. I don't care."

On Jordan and the Beckhams.

"I was interested in intelligent celebrity. The word now is so base and disgusting and seems to apply to anybody that is anything but a celebrity."

On the Brit Awards.

"The Brits are ghastly and there has never been a time when they haven't got it wrong."For me to ever accept a Brit, well, I never would. It would be like Laurence Olivier being happy getting a TV Times award." (Why wouldn't Olivier be happy picking up a TV Times award? I remember when Lee Majors won Best Actor for his role in "The Fall Guy". Probably not the best actor in the world, if I'm honest, but he was delighted to be there because it was voted for by people who watch popular TV. God forbid. Heathen scum.)

On Tony and Cherie Blair.

"I don't like his face, I don't like his expression. I don't think anybody else does.And I can't stand Cherie Blair's face, I just wonder if there can ever be a photograph of her where she has her mouth shut."

On The Smiths.

"It has been 18 years since it ended. I don't know them, they don't know me, they know nothing about me, I know nothing about them. Anything I know about them is unpleasant, so why on earth do we want to be on stage together making music? I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."

On Keef. The Human Riff.

"There have been a few people who have shunned me. Keith Richards ... he knew me, but he didn't actually like me."

On a Frenchman, who used to play for Manchester United.

"Somebody else who just completely blanked me in a shocking way, who just completely wiped me out of history."

And my particular favourite.... On Prince Charles.

"The very idea of Charles being king is laughable. You might as well say that Ronnie Corbett will be king one day. I think that would give people more pleasure." (Actually that sounds like a great idea. King Ronnie. He could have his big chair put into Buckingham Palace.)

Oh, dear... Mozzer, Mozzer... Tell us something that you do like. Please. Liam and Noel Gallagher (and I'm sure you can name others) do exactly the same thing every time they have an album out. Slag everybody and everything off. So boring. So predictable.

Morrissey does make me laugh, though. I loved the Smiths but I cannot comment on Morrissey's solo music because I have never really taken a lot of notice of it. I was at "Madstock" in 1992 when he was canned off by National Front/BNP morons. It was the highlight of the set, if I'm honest. Nice Union Jack, though.

I am getting a bit fed up with this Pynchon-Isn't-Feeling-Very-Well load of toss.

I have not been to work today. This morning I had a really bad headache and I spent 45 minutes on the toilet getting rid of... er... stuff from last night. After ringing Lorraine at work (she was in work 7am and didn't seem mightily impressed when I said I wasn't coming) I went back to bed for 3 hours. I then got up and spent another 20 minutes on the toilet (an improvement).

I have washed, dressed, took some drugs (paracetemol), ate some eggs (for the binding properties), watched the news, went to the toilet (20 minutes), watched some of "Timeslip" on DVD, surfed the internet, surfed some blogs, started writing this.

I really do need to sort myself out. I cannot and will not carry on like this. I am letting everybody down.

I'm bored. Word association? Why not.

100 hundred single words. No duplications. The first word is Blog.

1. Blog.
2. Secret.
3. Squirrel.
4. Red.
5. Shawshank.
6. King.
7. Carrie.
8. Cliff.
9. Fall.
10. Buds.
11. Jones.
12. Welsh.
13. Robinson.
14. Lost.
15. Games.
16. Mamet.
17. Hannibal.
18. Diesel.
19. xXx.
20. Porn.
21. Sex.
22. Violence.
23. Bite.
24. Tear.
25. Paper.
26. Cut.
27. Censor.
28. BBFC.
29. McKenzie.
30. Tattoos.
31. Island.
32. Apes.
33. Kong.
34. Lange.
35. Jessica.
36. Spaced.
37. Star.
38. Collector.
39. Monkees.
40. Dolenz.
41. Drummer.
42. Ringo.
43. Session.
44. Drinking.
45. Moon.
46. Cat.
47. Dog.
48. Soldiers.
49. Werewolf.
50. Chaney.
51. Dick.
52. Penis.
53. Henis.
54. Spanish.
55. Omelette.
56. Eggs.
57. E-Coli.
58. Bug.
59. Life.
60. Spacey.
61. Kevin.
62. Sister.
63. Lovers.
64. Bell.
65. Chilton.
66. Alex.
67. Ice.
68. Sims.
69. Edney.
70. Highlander.
71. Lambert.
72. Wilson.
73. Labour.
74. Conservative.
75. Motherfuckers.
76. Managers.
77. Football.
78. Villa.
79. Rome.
80. Italy.
81. Florence.
82. Cruise.
83. Control.
84. Spy.
85. Story.
86. Untouchables.
87. Ness.
88. Elliot.
89. extraterrestrial.
90. Aliens.
91. Cameron.
92. Terminator.
93. Sperminator.
94. Lords.
95. Traci.
96. Underage.
97. Girl.
98. Boy.
99. U2.
100. Bono.

Well... Anybody have any questions?

It's later.

Saturday lunchtime I saw "Romance & Cigarettes" starring James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon and Kate Winslet.



Sadly, it is rubbish. It could have been great, but I don't think that John Turturro knew what kind of film he wanted to make. Is it a comedy or is it a drama? I still don't know because it lurched from one to the other. The last half an hour seemed to be from a completely different film. Also, the whole technique of doing making a drama and getting the cast to burst into (mimed) song to express their feelings was done much better by Dennis Potter in work like "The Singing Detective" and especially "Pennies From Heaven". Check them out if you have not already seen them. Well worth the effort.

Kate looks fit though. Filthy mouth, as well. :-)

I got home on Saturday afternoon at about 3:30. The power had been off for half an hour. The whole street was down. Lorraine hadn't bothered to call Central Networks. She didn't see any point. I called them. They could tell me nothing. Lorraine and I were due to go to see the stage adaptation of "Get Carter" at the Midlands Art Centre, but she decided that she did not want to leave the house and Moon the Cat in the dark. So, I went on my own (all of my Sisters and my Brother turned me down when offered the spare ticket). I left Lorraine surrounded by candles. Quite romantic...

"Get Carter" was good. A single set that doubled as a bedroom, public toilet, office, interior of a car, waste tip, etc. 6 cast members. Jack Carter onstage throughout. 5 actors playing everybody else in the cast. A judicious use of blood capsules. Stabbings, shootings, breaking of limbs. 70's soundtrack. Un PC language. A bit of (male) nudity (they recreated the moment when Jack is caught inflagrante by two hired goons, forces them into the street at the end of the shotgun, failing to find the time to put any underwear on). Very funny. Very violent. I liked it a lot. The Red Shift theatre company are apparently doing a set of stage adaptations of famous movie thrillers. They have already done an acclaimed adaptation of Graham Greene's "The Third Man". I will definitely keep an eye out for their next production.

Went home. The power was still off. The house smelled of candles. We went to bed. There was nothing else to do. Lorraine wouldn't let me touch her tits. At 4am the power went on for 20 minutes exactly and then went off again. Sometime around 8am the power came back on and stayed on. I don't actually remember sleeping very much Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I'm tired.

Sunday lunchtime we spent Mother's Day with my Mom and my folks at the Dragon Barbecue at Five Ways. We didn't care for it much. The food wasn't great (the starter's were cold), it was too loud, there were too many people and it was very disorganised. Perhaps on any other day but Mother's Day it would have been better, but we are not inclined to give it another chance. We have had better Chinese buffets. My family liked it well enough, and my Mom was happy to get the clan all around the same table, and that was the important thing.

Sunday afternoon we went to see "Inside Man" starring Denzel Washington and Clive Owen.



Lorraine thought it was great. I thought that it was a bit of a generic heist-with-a-twist thriller, but was saved by some very spot on and pointed observations on racial stereotypes. A bit of a protracted ending, though, but still worth shelling out a couple of quid to see this in the cinema.

I think I've caught up. Thank God for that.

Today Lorraine had a haircut (very shaggy dog) and I tagged along while she went shopping. She bought some trousers (quite nice) and managed to huff and puff her way through many a shoe shop without finding any boots that she liked.

We have also purchased tickets for Johnny Mathis in September and David Essex in November. (Woah there Grandad! Oh, fuck you. I wanted to see them and so did Lorraine.)

Anything else? Oh, yes. My cold is nearly gone. Just in time to go back to work as well. O Lucky Man.

Roll on next weekend. We are going to see Christian Slater in "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest" at the Garrick Theatre in London, then in the middle of next week I am going to see the Cosmic Rough Riders at the Carling Academy and then I have a couple of more days off.

Things to look forward to. Keeps you alive.

There was another power cut this morning. Luckily it only lasted 10 minutes. When I rang Central Networks they said that the power cut occurred because they were swapping from the emergency generators' to the national grid. Emergency generators???? I knew it! The lights were flickering like a disco last night. I nearly got up to dance, but I didn't. I felt too ill and, anyway, "24" and "Rescue Me" were on the TV.

How are you? I'm OK.

So, to the weekend.

Friday.

Lunch at Asterias (nirvana for baguettes) and then during the afternoon we haunted every jewelry shop in Birmingham looking for a birthday present for Lorraine. It was very stressful. In the back of my mind evil Pynchon was saying, "You know this was a bad idea, John. You should just have picked Lorraine something and given it to her. She would have said that he liked it, even if she didn't really like it. You are a silly bugger." I ignored the voice. After 4 hours! Lorraine picked out a very nice Amethyst and Citrine pendant. It's really nice. A little bit more expensive than I had hoped to spend, but that was OK.

We then saw "V For Vendetta" at the Electric Cinema.



Alan Moore appears nowhere on the credits of this movie. The only hint as to the original format that the story appeared in is a single credit over the end titles that reads something like, "Based on the graphic novel illustrated by David Lloyd". It's a crying shame, because "V For Vendetta" is good (no, make that very good) and he should be proud to have his name associated with it.

"V For Vendetta" is completely modern, relevant and thought provoking. Yes, it has been modified (the original material is 20 years old) and some things have been lost (the tragedy of Rose Almond and the original ending), but the tone of the film is correct and that is the most important thing. I am also very happy that the whole "Valerie" sub plot has been left mostly intact. It was probably my favourite bit in the original book.

While at the Electric Cinema we treated ourselves to some of the themed "V For Vendetta" cocktails. I had some kind of absinthe concoction. Very potent. I hoped that it would cure my cold. It's didn't. However, it did remove all feeling in my tongue.

Then, onto Milano Ristorante Italiano. It's the second time we have been there. Still good. We enjoyed it a lot. I cannot remember what Lorraine ate, but I had the Risotto ai funghi to start and then the Bistecca di manzo olive, caperri e pomodoro. Sadly, no wine. Lorraine didn't think it would be a good idea.

Saturday.

I started to go into town on my own. Lorraine had chores to do, and she was OK with me going to the cinema on my own to gawp at Kate Winslet. Waiting at the bus stop, an old school friend Victor Garibaldi drove by, stopped and gave me a lift to the UGC on Broad Street. I haven't seen Victor in a couple of years. At one time he was a very good friend, but things drift. I do tend to run into him every couple of years. Victor looks like Freddie Mercury. He has very prominent front teeth and a big bushy moustache. At school he was a Sex God. He's totally bald now, but he's still a Sex God. Lovely guy.

Victor was with a lady. Early 20's. Slim. Long hair. Nice lips. A naughty twinkle in her eye. Think a young Angelia Jolie. Victor introduced me.

"John, this is my daughter."

Oh, fuck.

Now that made me feel old. How old is Victor? About the same age as me. 42/43 at most.

We chewed the fat. Victor told me some news about somebody else that we used to hang about with. This guy's name was Mike. Mike got married last year to his long term girlfriend. Good, eh? Yes. Except that the lady died a couple of weeks later from cancer.

How did this happen? How did we turn into people that hair loss, cancer, beer guts, arthritis, aches, pains, deafness, bad eyesight happen to? It wasn't supposed to happen to us. We supposed to be exempt. We were the punks, the mods (second generation), the disco kings and queens. We were supposed to be invincible.

Lorraine is home. I will continue later.

Let's get the self pity bit out of the way first.

Stef, thanks for the kind words and Adem, sorry, but no. I am feeling totally like shit. The sore throat and feeling-a-bit-hot has turned into having a really sore throat, feeling very hot and also have a running nose, loss of breath and a big boil on my face (probably something to do with overdosing on strepsils, the throat sweet of choice around residence el Pynchon). Add to that the huge power cut that left 3000 homes, including mine, without power for something like 15 hours from Saturday afternoon until the early hours of Sunday morning (there are still some poor bastards who still have not got their electricity back). The power cut scuppered the Saturday night out that Lorraine and I were going to have (more about that later). And my right foot still hurts me.

You could say that I have been feeling a little bit sorry for myself. End of self pity bit.

I am still feeling awful. I will write things up properly tomorrow. Now I just want to go to bed, but first a quick summary. I'll elaborate in more detail later. Since Friday

1. I have purchased Lorraine some bling. (Nice.)
2. We saw "V For Vendetta". (Good.)
3. We ate at Milano Italian Restaurant. (Good.)
4. I saw "Romance & Cigarettes". (Rubbish.)
5. I saw the stage adaptation of "Get Carter" at the MAC. (Good.)
6. We had a Mother's Day with my Mom and my folks at the Dragon Barbecue at Five Ways. (Rubbish.)
7. We saw "Inside Man". (Good.)

I'm gone.

I am going through my life in a daze. Everything is hazy and unfocused.

I can remember nothing about work yesterday, except the following.

1. Kevin Callow came up to me asking if I knew who recorded a song called "Denis". Of course it was Blondie, who had a hit in the UK with that song in February 1978. (I remember them making their "Top Of The Pops" debut performing that song. The boys were in black suits and skinny ties, Debbie was in a pink swimsuit. Clem Burke spun his drumsticks in his fingers, threw the drumsticks in the air, caught them and didn't miss the beat! They looked and sounded fantasic.) "Denis" was originally recorded under the name "Denise" by a band called Randy and the Rainbows. I have heard that version. It is kind of a doowop track, but it is a good.
   I asked Kevin why he wanted to know who recorded "Denis". He said that he wanted to buy it for his latest lady. Her name is Denise. (I like that name.) Kevin wants to impress her. Then somebody else told me that Kevin has told this lady that he is a senior sales manager at the Company (he isn't) which explains why recently he has been wearing a suit to work. I asked Kevin if he liked this girl. He does. I asked Kevin if he intended to keep seeing her, or if she was just another fuck buddy. He does intend to keep seeing her. I then asked Kevin what he thought would happen once she found out that he was just an analyst working in a call centre and not the senior sales manager. He said that she wouldn't find out.
   Really?
   Kevin is 26 years old. Basically, old enough to know better.
2. My friend Bill Broad told me that the great silent film comedian Harold Lloyd lost two fingers of his right hand in 1919 when a supposedly-fake prop bomb went off in his hand. He always wore gloves after that containing two prosphetic fingers. (I think that is an incredible story. If you have ever seen him perform you will know what an absolutely amazing stunt performer he was.)
3. Bill Broad also told me that according to IMDB Stan Laurel appeared in 186 different films, Oliver Hardy 413 films. (Bill Broad knows his silent films.)
4. I got into a discussion with James Cunt about the redundancies. He claimed that they did not occur to save money. They had been planned. Oh, yes? Yes. 18 months ago a decision had been made to big up an Indian development centre and to reduce the development staff in the UK by natural attrition. 18 months ago. Oh, yes. This was about the time that the MD made a speech in which he said that "The Company has no plans to move Development to India". I reminded James Cunt of that. He claimed not to remember it. Then I asked him if there are any plans to move the Support section to India. He said that there were no such plans.
   One of the Team Leaders left the UK yesterday. She has moved to India. Nobody knows exactly what her role is going to be.

Last night Lorraine went to bed at 8:30pm. She was really tired. She has been getting up at 4:50am all week to get into work two hours early. I have more or less given up on the thought of us watching anything in the evenings.

So, Moon the Cat and I watched "Spartan" (I know I watched it about a week ago, but it was on Sky Movies and I really love that film) and then we watched a really brilliant Australian film called "Somersault" which won a shitload of awards at the AFI awards in 2004. It's melancholy, beautiful and touching. Just wonderful. One of the best films I saw last year, which I somehow managed to leave off my top 10 pick of the year. I am a twat.

After that I messed around with my MP3 player on random and got caught short by the REM song "Country Feedback". When I saw REM at Milton Keynes in 1995 on the Monster tour, they played "Country Feedback" as one of the encores. I have always loved that song and it always catches me out. By the time they had finished playing the song, tears were streaming down my face. I had to wipe them away. I think it's the line that Michael Stipe sings over and over again - "Crazy what you could have had". Yes. Crazy what you could have had, if you had tried harder, or knew different people or had had a bit more luck.

It's Lorraine's birthday today. She is happy and bouncing around the house. I am very determined not to spoil her birthday for her, but I feel very unhappy about a lot of things.

I think I have finally had enough of Winter. I want to take my sweatshirts off and feel the sun.

I have got to go. We are going into town so that I can buy her some bling. Then we are going to see "V For Vendetta" at the Electric Cinema, and then a meal at a nice restaurant, still to be decided.

I have a cold. It's a kind of sore throat and feel-a-bit-hot kind of cold, but it is a cold nevertheless. Lorraine keeps giving me the evil eye and saying things like, "Don't come near me" or "Don't breathe on me. You're not going to ruin my birthday" and so on and so forth. Lorraine never catches my germs and I never catch her. Really. Perhaps we are physically incompatible. It's crossed by mind a couple of times, but I am sure that you have gathered that.

In any event, I am a brave soldier. I have a plan and a mission and I intend to complete it. I have battled into work and coughed on everybody that I do not like.

Lorraine and I have got Friday and Monday off work, so who gives a toss?

Today we had a team meeting in which James Cunt told everybody about Lorraine's promotion. There was no reaction whatsoever within the meeting, but afterwards a couple of people came over to her and wished her well. Other people disappeared into dark corners to plot and scheme.

James Cunt also told us that there is no truth in the rumour that we are either

a) Being bought by the Opposition.
b) Are about to buy the Opposition.

Oh, yes? Really. Somebody had to ask him. Did I expect a truthful answer? No, of course not.

Lorraine didn't get the managers job. Nobody has. They are going to reorganise. What Lorraine is getting is more responsibility, more training (things like appraisals, etc.) and a place at the table in the weekly manager's meeting. No more money, though.

Eh?

No, I don't understand it either. Is she a manager or isn't she? I suppose I should be happy (if she became the recognised manager I would never see her), but I'm not happy because she has worked and strived and grafted for the job. She wants it and she deserves it.

I think that the Company has serious money issues. This evening I offered to hang around for half an hour to cover a shift that somebody had not turned up for. I wanted to be paid for it, though, and they turned me down.

I'm off to load more songs into my MP3 player. I think tonight's choice might be all of the recorded output by the band Tomorrow. They were good.

Very quick post before "24" and "Rescue Me" .

It seems that today I have been constantly on the go. I don't know where the day has gone.

1. Up to early. (I didn't get to bed until nearly 2am.) I thought it was 9am. It was actually 8am. You know how it goes. When you're up, you're up. There was no going back to bed.
2. Had a bacon sandwich. It was fucking wonderful!
3. With Lorraine, watched a bit of a dreadful film called "Mannequin". It starred a pre "Sex In The City" Kim Cattrall and Andrew McCarthy, an actor who never really became the star he threatened to be after "Pretty In Pink". Horrible 80's clothes, hair, soundtrack, etc.
4. Lorraine and I went into town and shopped for food. It took hours... (It's never a good idea to shop with Lorraine. I go to a shop, walk around, pick food and buy. Lorraine does aisles several times. She looks at best-by dates, plans menus, works out combinations. Absolute tosh. I am right. She is wrong.)
5. Back to the house. Nothing on the TV so we watched "American Idol" . I don't think that I have ever watched it before. It was the Stevie Wonder night. The guy who looked a bit like Jay Leno sang "Living In The City" (a genius song) and was terrific, but somebody should tell him not to dance because he can't. A young geek sang "Part Time Lover". He was mostly in tune. I liked him.
6. Missed the end of "American Idol" (who got kicked off?) as I had to have my hair cut. The lovely Ashlyn was occupied so Gay George did me. He has a lovely touch, but I now look like a thug. I glared at old ladies as I waited for the bus to show how hard I am.
7. Went to Tesco and bought peanuts and seeds for the wild birdies.
8. I went to see my Mom. Good visit this time. No Mad Aunt Delilah. My Brother has asked me if I want to go to Blackpool on Good Friday for a "Boys Rampage" (his phrase). I don't know. The idea kind of scares me. I have seen my Brother on a rampage. When I mentioned this to Lorraine she gave me a Margaret Thatcher stare, which I think means that she is not too keen on the idea either.
9. Back home. We had fish and peas and potatoes. It was great. I cooked. Obviously.
10. No film at the cinema this weekend. It's fine. I will make up for it next week.

This is my 100th post of this incarnation. There have been times when I thought I would never make it. To celebrate, here is a picture of Kate Winslet. (Any excuse, and all that...)

Yesterday was St. Paddy's day. I hope everyone who chose to participate had a nice one. I chose not to participate.

I was supposed to go to a Company pub quiz night (I used to love pub quizzes, but hadn't been to any in years). At the last minute told everybody, including Lorraine, that I could "not be arsed". I went home instead. Lorraine was pissed at me. If I wasn't going, neither was she.

Before I went home Orville Turd asked me why I had changed my mind. I told him that after recent dealings with Technical Support, why would I want to socialize with any of the motherfuckers, especially Terry Pig and Salvo Crumb. He understood exactly how I felt as earlier this week our section held quick poll to ascertain the one person in the company that we would like to punch in the face, given the choice. Terry Pig was the outright winner and Salvo Crumb was second. Nobody else figured in that poll to any significant extent.

Terry Pig has never liked me. 6 years ago I had an interview at the Company for a different job (actually the one that Lorraine got). Terry Pig was sitting in on that interview. I was turned down. I was not too bothered. Lorraine was way more suitable a candidate than me. Later that year, same thing. I was interviewed for a different job, Terry Pig sat in on the interview, I was turned down. This time I was very annoyed because I was perfect for that job and I thought that the interview went very well. A year later I got into the Company by the backdoor as the Company needed somebody quickly, Lorraine recommended me to her manager, I saw him informally and was given a temporary contract straight away. It later turned into a full time position.

Terry Pig has been politely cold to me ever since. I don't like him. He is a cunt. It's a shame, really, because he is a very smart man and I have a lot of respect for his Technical knowledge. He disappoints the hell out of me because he has aligned himself with idiots and arselickers and yes men. The kind of people who get somewhere because they go to the pub with you and laugh at your jokes. He doesn't like people who politely (and I am very polite when I want to me) stand up to him and tell him that he is wrong. Despicable. Loathsome. Vile.

That aside, in the cold light of day, I regret not going out last night. I think it would have been a good night. Let's be blunt. I was a pussy to let my annoyance of a couple of individuals prevent me from going somewhere and showing off my indepth knowledge of trivia and drivel. (God, I am modest tonight, aren't I?)

Staying home wasn't bad. I cooked Chilli and Rice, we tidied up for the Ian and Penny visit, we watched "Hustle" (fantastic) and "My Name Is Earl" (fantastic).

It was a good day today. I cleaned the bathroom. Ian and Penny arrived. I entertained them while Lorraine was at the dentist. Lorraine arrived. We went into town. Penny is very picky about her food (doesn't eat Chinese, Italian or Indian) so we ate at Caffe Uno. It's ostensibly Italian, but they do some very nice steaks and was suitable enough. After that we spent hours in Selfridges and ended up at The White Company franchise, where Lorraine, Ian and Penny ooohhd and aaaahd over pillowcases and bedsheets. Boring as hell.

In Selfridges I did see a piece of art that I would very much like to buy. It was a picture of the Beatles taken at the Our World event in 1967, where they premiered the song "All You Need Is Love". A snip at 55 quid. Seriously. Lorraine has forbade me from even thinking about buying it.

Actually, the below is a picture taken at the same session. It will give you a good idea what it looks like.



Didn't they look great. Yes?

More seriously, this evening we watched in horror as a 9 year old boy won "Kids Stars In Their Eyes" doing an impersonation of George Formby. It was a disgrace. The 15 year old who did Gary Jules should have won. Or the 10 year old doing Noddy Holder.

I've been around the world (not literally) and now I'm back.

Last night I discovered the random shuffle option on my MP3 player. With credit to the main man Swiss Toni who has been doing this kind of thing and inviting comments for yonks, here are the first 10 tracks that appeared.

1. "Lady Friend" by the Byrds (from "Younger Than Yesterday")
2. "Not Fade Away" by the Rolling Stones (from "Forty Licks")
3. "Got To Get You Into My Life" by the Beatles (from "Revolver")
4. "Someone's Coming" by the Who (from "The Who Sell Out")
5. "Funny Funny" by the Sweet (from "Sweet Hits")
6. "Texarkana" by REM (from "Out Of Time")
7. "Revolution" by the Cosmic Rough Riders (from "Enjoy The Melodic Sunshine")
8. "Life Is White" by Big Star (from "Radio City")
9. "A Certain Romance" by the Arctic Monkeys (from "Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not")
10. "(Theme From) The Monkees (Previously Unissued Early Version)" by the Monkees (from "The Monkees")

I have no idea what that list says about me. Actually, I do. It says, "Buy some new music, John".

In other news, I have finally finished reading "The Bad And The Beautiful" by Sam Kashner and Jennifer Mcnair. It's full of gossip and stories about Hollywood in the 50's and is very tabloidly, but is no less interesting for that. Next book? I have been ordered by Lorraine to read "Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone". I don't mind. I have already read a page and a half. It's a good page and half, I must confess. I hope that this book will not take 3 months to read.

What else?

Work is shit.

Also, Lorraine's stepdad Ian and dreaded missus Penny will be visiting on Saturday, ostensibly to deliver Lorraine's birthday present. Lorraine will be at the dentist first thing in the morning, so it will be up to me to entertain them until she returns to save me. Perhaps I'll sing to them.

The "chat"? Didn't happen. James Cunt was too busy. Of course he was. Busy enough to arrive late this morning and go early this evening.

Vilest rumour I heard today? One of the programmers who escaped redundancy, because he was off on long term sick leave with a fucking Brain Tumour, was asked to come into the office today. To be made redundant. It's only a rumour, but I believe it and so does Lorraine. I saw the guy in reception. He had bandages on his head and a worried missus by his side.

Low.

Rubbish day. I had a splitting headache by the time I left work. Remarkably it went away once I was on my way home.

Mellow evening. Food, TV, copying albums onto my MP3 player ("The Monkees", "More Of The Monkees", "Led Zeppelin II", "Led Zepelin IV" and the Beatles "1" album) and thought a bit about an alternative Beatles timeline that I am writing. I am up to 2002 on that masterpiece. I have not published any of it yet. It is crap.

If Matt Damon were to decide not to do "The Bourne Ultimatum" (not true, by the way), I think Val Kilmer would be a pretty good replacement as Jason Bourne (but I do really like Matt Damon in the role).

This evening we watched Mr. Kilmer in "Spartan". It was one of my favourite films of 2004. I purchased it ages ago, but have only just got around to watching it. It is cut from the same cloth as the "Bourne" films. Serious men (and women). Serious dialogue. Serious action. Twisty plot, American secret service conspiracies, corruption in high places. Total class.

Also, watching a really good film takes the mind off having to think about serious things, and I don't want to think about serious things.

At work today I was more or less called a liar by James Cunt in front of the entire department. He said that I had promised that a certain job would be done by Friday evening. I promised nothing of the kind and I said as much. He said that I had. I said that I hadn't. I stood my ground, in front of the entire department. (If he can play that game, so can I.) He backed off and went into his hole. I believe that later Lorraine was called into the hole and a discussion about me took place. She said that she explained certain things and backed me all the way. I'm glad about that. Apparently I will be called into James Cunt's hole tomorrow for a "chat". I look forward to it. And I won't lose my temper. I'll just tell him how it is. Exactly how it is.

I don't care who he is. I will not be called a liar. Fucking clown.

Lorraine and I are OK. Slowly, slowly. Yeah.

Very cold in Birmingham tonight, but no snow. For some insane reason Lorraine wants snow.

You might say that it has been an up and down weekend.

Saturday.

Up. I went to the dentist. I had no problems. I also had the fun experience of a rather large breasted dental assistant leaning over me while Mr. Nice Dentist did his job. I did try to concentrate on the bit of dirt on the ceiling, but it was hard, as was another part of my anatomy.

Up. We went to see "Lucky Number Slevin" which was way better than the UK reviews would have you believe.



Yes, everybody in the film is either cool, a fool or a caricature (the likes of Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley can play their respective parts standing on their heads), but "Lucky Number Slevin" is smartly written, twisty, turney and very enjoyable. Lorraine said that she might want to buy it on DVD when it comes out. I wouldn't object to having it on my DVD shelf.

Up. We have booked a sofa seat at the Electric Cinema to see "V For Vendetta" on 24th March. It is Lorraine's birthday. The tickets are going quick. Could be a good film.

Down. My right foot has been hurting me for weeks. By Saturday afternoon I could barely walk. Once we had finished the cinema visit we had to go straight home as the pain got very bad. Doctor's? Fuck off.

Up. Saturday evening we watched Clive Owen in "King Arthur" on Sky Movies 1. I liked it. A nice deconstruction of the whole Arthurian legend. Lot's of well known characters (Arthur, Lancelot, Guinevere, Merlin) not quite doing what we expect them to be doing. (Note to the FA. They should show "King Arthur" before every England football team game, along with "Escape To Victory" and the original "The Italian Job".) OK. I admit it. "King Arthur" was dreadful, but it was saved by some interesting casting decisions. Keira Knightly as a warrior queen painted blue, wearing a leather bra and brandishing a bow and arrow? Also, a very... er... muscular performance by the great Ray Winstone. Loved it.

Down. Late Saturday evening. Asked Lorraine if she wanted to have sex, but she declined. She did agree to a tit wank. Went for that, but a short while later she got very angry when spunk went everywhere. All over the bed, her pillow, her face, etc. (I swear on my Mom's life that it wasn't intentional.) I tried to clean her and the bed up, but my attempts made her even more angry. Then I got angry. Asked her the last time she initiated any kind of sexual activity. She couldn't remember. I could. It was on Christmas Day. Said that I would not "fucking bother in future" even asking for sex because the whole sex thing was "so distasteful" for her and that she should be happy that we can now turn into two "sexless old fuckers". This aggravated her, but I ignored her, turned over and went to sleep.

Sunday.

Down. I refused to cook breakfast and I did not hoover the house. It hurt me more than it hurt her, believe me. I refused to talk to her and went out to the cinema.

Up. I went to see "The Proposition".



It's a great film. Brutal, violent, grimy and horrifying. Also quite beautiful. I don't know if that makes any sense. Great work from Ray Winstone and Emily Watson, in fact from everybody involved (Guy Pearce, Danny Huston, et al.)

Down. Didn't go to see my Mom. I couldn't face it.

Up. Went home. Lorraine made me a cup of tea. I needed it. I had not had a drink all day. We talked for a bit. It was civilized but I was still fucking angry. She said that she did not want us to fall out. Neither of us apologized, but neither of us was completely in the wrong. We had a cuddle. There was no food in the house, so we ordered Chinese. I think it is the best meal that I have ever had.

Down. I still do not intend to ask Lorraine for sex ever again. Part of me wants her to ask me for sex to show that she cares and that I am wrong in thinking that our sex life is over. Part of me wants to be proven right. Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Perhaps I should just go to a prostitute and get it over and done with? Then we could just live in this house in a beautiful, loving platonic relationship in which sex plays no part? Am I just a disgusting brute? Am I really just a primeval thug? I do want to be with her. Really I do.

Up. "24" and "Rescue Me". Lorraine is downstairs watching "Bones". I am here. Well, I was.

I don't know what the fuck anybody else is doing. I will catch up tomorrow.

The plot thickens.

My friend Danielle Frank, who works in another department in the Company, has a spy inside the Opposition. She told me today that it is common knowledge within the Opposition that they are about to sell one of their loss making divisions to the Company. This is interesting. I would have thought that it would have been the opposite way around. The Opposition group are a much bigger company than the us and announced profits during the last financial year that dwarfed what we did.

A bit of hilarity arising from this will be that a number of ex-employees of the Company have gone to work for the Opposition and a number of ex-customers have replaced Company computer systems with Opposition computer systems. Poor bastards. I bet they thought they had seen the last of us.

I ran into Vicky Sunshine in the corridor. I had the expected thump in my chest, but we stopped and talked for a while. She has not got a start date yet for her new job. The company she is moving to has a number of Government contracts, so even though she has been offered the job, she is being formally vetted. She doesn't expect it to be a problem. She asked me I was OK. I said that I was, and then she said, "You will keep in touch, won't you John?"

The rest of the day was awful. I was in self destruct mode. I ate crap all day and I felt like shit. Greasy fish & chips, three bars of chocolate, two cans of fizzy tooth rotting coke shit, too much coffee. I argued with Lorraine in front of everybody in the office and totally undermined her. I ranted and I raved. I told everybody who wanted to hear exactly what I thought of the Technical Support section. I was surprised that I was not sent home. (Perhaps I wanted to be sent home?) I was a cunt and a wanker.

Lorraine was out of the office during the afternoon, as she had to go on a customer visit. She still got home before me. When I arrived, she met me at the door and gave me a kiss and then a cuddle. She asked me if I was OK. What do I tell her? That every day at the Company shreds me a little more?

What a fucking drama queen! I know what I'll do. Tomorrow I will go throw myself into the canal!

No, I won't.

We had a nice evening. Tonight had the start of the new series of "Hustle".



The pre-broadcast reviews have been a bit sniffy. They say that it is not as good as it used to be, that it is way too self knowing ironic, that American money has ruined it (apparently a deal has been stuck with an American TV company for some kind of funding in exchange to the foreign broadcast rights), that there are too many high profile guest stars in this series (Richard Chamberlain is one - I don't know if he is considered high profile these days). I liked it. Very clever. Very funny and included a wicked piss take of the whole British gangsta rap wannabe scene.

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a checkup. Joy. Actually, it's not that bad. Other than a scale and a polish I have not had to have any dental treatment whatsoever since about 1984. I am a lucky boy.

I have been catching up with my reading. Everybody seems to be having a much more interesting time than me. I also found out that I had failed to win Suburban Hen's Bingo game. Obviously there has been a mistake. Doesn't she know who I am?

Back to work today after four nice days off. Work was incredibly frustrating, depressing, boring and annoying. Two minutes after arriving at my desk I got into a heated discussion with Orville Turd about Technical Support, their overwhelming shiteness and the lack of respect that they show to everybody who is not part of their clique, most specifically me. Orville nodded, he sympathised, he made cooing noises, he said that he would look into it. He will do nothing. Fuck it.

During the afternoon we had a team meeting in which somebody asked Orville Turd what the CEO of the Opposition was doing nosing the office on Friday. Orville Turd said, and I quote

"He is a golfing buddy of Bill Smug (the MD). They were on the golf course and got talking about business development and it got into a 'My dick is bigger than your dick' discussion. Smug decided to invite him over and show him how much bigger his dick was. As far as I know that's all there is to it and there are no plans for the Opposition to buy us out or vice versa."

Could be true, I suppose. What do you think?

(Ducks to avoid flying pigs.)

When pissed off and depressed I spend money and lose myself in entertainment. Probably not good. Over the last couple of days I have

1. Purchased a ticket to see the Cosmic Rough Riders at the Carling Academy Birmingham on April 5th. (I saw them a couple of years ago when they were a 5 piece headed by Daniel Wylie. Now they are a 3 piece headed by Stephen Fleming. I have no idea what to expect.)
2. Purchased a ticket to see The Streets at the Carling Academy Birmingham on May 7th. (I saw them a year or two back. Funniest gig - in a good way - I have been to in years.)
3. Purchased the mighty fine Australian movie "Somersault" on DVD. (Brilliant drama. It totally knocked me out. Recommended. See it. You have been told. I wouldn't steer you wrong.)
4. Purchased the 1970's Science Fiction series "Timeslip" on DVD. (Practically forgotten these days, but it was brilliant. It was made by the adult drama department of ITV, but shown in the teatime kids slot due to scheduling conflicts. Time travel, alternate futures, clones, conspiracies. Don't go into the field!)

Yeah.

Today I went to see Nicolas Cage in "The Weather Man".



Frankly, it's brilliant, but then again I have always loved Nicolas Cage. I think that he is one of Americas very finest character actors. "The Weather Man" is wonderfully acted, touching, subtle and laugh out loud funny. If you liked "American Beauty" you will like this. Let nobody tell you otherwise, Gore Verbinski is one of the great, unsung Directors' working today. Hey, this is not much of a review, but I'm not much of a reviewer, so there! (Blows raspberry.)

This afternoon I went to see my Mom. Once I had got rid of my Mad Aunt Delilah, who likes to pour poison and misery into my Mom's ears every time she sees her, it turned out to be a good visit. My Mad Aunt Delilah makes my Mom feel bad about herself and I cannot stand that. Before she left Mad Aunt Delilah more or less accused me of not giving a damn about my Mom. I more or less told her to go fuck herself. I think that Lorraine and I are still invited to Mad Aunt Delilah's 65th birthday party. I'll have to check.

Nothing else. Scroll on down if you want to see how pure I am. I am very disappointed... :-(

Mostly Innocent You are 72% pure!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 88% on purity

Link: The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test written by ocicat on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

So, "Crash" won best film. That's a surprise. A nice surprise. If I had been an Academy voter I would probably have gone for "Crash" or "The Constant Gardener". Of course, on my predictions (5 out of 8 Stef, not 4 - how dare you!) I was going for the one that I thought would win and not should win. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Work. It's shit, isn't it? Where was I? Thursday.

On Thursday I found out that I was going to lose one of my two main programming resources through redundancy. Here's a little test for you. If you were given the choice of keeping one of the following two guys, who would you choose? There is no correct answer.

Gay Harry. Old, big, friendly, amiable, lovely guy. A gentleman. The greatest Granddad that you never had. Big handlebar moustache. During the World War I he probably used to drink several Gin and Tonics before flying bi-planes against the Hun. His work? To be honest, a bit sloppy. Gay Harry doesn't always test probably and you have to check what he's done very carefully.

Gay Harry is the main application and fix programming resource for the first product that I support. I deal with him several times a day. He knows the product inside out and can always get me an answer given enough time. We all depend on Gay Harry a great deal.

Norman Grizzly. Horrible man. Rude, ignorant, bad tempered, arrogant, no people skills whatsoever. Thin as a rake and hairy with it. The thickest beard that I have ever seen. Hairy, mountain man. Can sometimes be seen on the roof catching pigeons and eating them live. But... The guy is a genius. I don't use that word lightly. Norman Grizzly is a genius. He knows everything. He never makes mistakes. He is psychotically committed to quality and never compromises in his work. Also, despite everything mentioned above, he is an incredibly good man. He and his appalling wife (I've met her) foster mentally handicapped children. He is a churchgoer. He is a first aider (a couple of years ago Gay Harry had a heart attack at work and I have no doubt that Norman Grizzly's quick actions saved his life). He is one of the company fire marshall's. He does work in his spare time for charity.

Norman Grizzly knows everything there is to know about the second product that I support. There are hardly ever any problems with that product and consequently I know next to nothing about the product. I deal with him occasionally, and once I've battled past his don't-bother-me persona, he is always gives me what I need. Norman Grizzly knows everything about the interface software between our UNIX systems and our Windows systems. He is always the first point of contact for everybody on those issues.

Who would you chose to stay and who would you choose to go?

A couple of weeks ago I was asked that question. I refused to choose. I told them that the Company needed both of them. I analysed them both much as I have written above. The Company chose Gay Harry to stay and Norman Grizzly to go.

It's appalling. I think with the departures of various staff members in in recent times, and the salary reductions as a result of that, also unnecessary. The opposite choice would have been equally as appalling. I have said as much. I have spoken to Gay Harry and he is quite upset, but also relieved. He is 3 years off retirement and he needs those last 3 years to pay off his mortgage. I never had a chance to speak to Norman Grizzly. By all accounts he doesn't seem to have taken it in and doesn't understand that in a month or two he will not have a job. My manager Orville Turd told me that he was going to speak to Norman Grizzly today to make sure that he does understand.

Work. It's shit, isn't it? Oh, I have said that before. Where was I? Friday.

On Friday the Managing Director Bill Smug made a rare visit to the Support Section. He had somebody with him that we had never seen before. A tall, tosslike, suited and booted guy. Smug and Tosser wandered around, laughing and joking. Smug explained some things, Tosser nodded intelligently. Smug got one of my colleagues to show Tosser our recent web based product. Fine so far. Then Smug asked for Tosser to be shown behind the scenes of our web based product, and he was. Really? Now that was interesting.

Later in the canteen of the the Tech Support guys sidled up to me and asked me if I knew who the Tosser was? I said that I didn't. "Do you want to know?" he asked me. I said that I did. "He's the CEO of the OPPOSITION!".

Ah...

Now, why would the CEO of our main competitor be being shown around our offices, shown our software, shown behind the scenes, be on apparently very friendly terms with our MD? Certain phrases come to mind like Merger or Takeover or Acquisition or Asset Stripping. Who's to say? The rumour mill has gone into overdrive. If they buy us they will have 90% market share of the product we specialize in. The only thing that could possibly stop that would be an objection by the monopolies and mergers commission. I have done a couple of searches on the web, but so far can find nothing relevant. So, no panic yet.

It still didn't stop me from feeling very depressed on Friday night. Lorraine was OK when she heard the news. She quite rightly pointed out that we have enough money to pay off a chunk of the mortgage straight away and to live happily for a few months, even if we did both lose our jobs. But I think that she is more portable than me and she knows it.

I don't like the Company. I don't suppose I have ever liked the Company, but I am lazy and it is always easier to do nothing, isn't it? I have decided to try to get another job. I am determined this time to leave and not get pushed. By all accounts the redundancy package that was given to the programmers upstairs was basic minimum and I am prepared to forego 1 weeks money for every year of employment for the pleasure in telling them to go fuck themselves.

On Saturday we went to London. It was a last minute thing. Lorraine had to change her dentist appointment last week, so we suddenly had a Saturday free. We never did anything much on Valentine's day, so we agreed to turn up at the half price ticket office in Leicester Square and book for whatever was available in the West End on the day as our Valentines Day gig.

In the end Lorraine chose "You Never Can Tell" at the Garrick Theatre, starring Edward Fox and Diana Quick (Bill Nighy's missus). Probably not what I would have chosen, but she was adamant that she wanted to see Edward Fox before he died. Charming. "You Never Can Tell" was written by Bernard Shaw and is an old fashioned, late Victorian era, battle of the sexes, battle of the generations comedy. It sparkled. Yes, it sparkled. It was just wonderful.

London was lovely. Very cold, but that didn't deter us. We walked everywhere. We went to Hamley's where I bought a 1940's and a 2000's Batmobile. (Did you know that I had an interest in collecting toy cars? No? Nor did I until Saturday.) We went to the Sherlock Holmes Pub on Northumberland Avenue and ate lots of food and got very drunk on a nice bottle of Fluerie. (I think that's how you spell it.) We went into lots of bookshops. We went into lots of coffee shops. Nice day. Really easy.

On Sunday Lorraine went to the hairdressers (she is blonde again!) and I went to see "Syriana".



"Syriana" is about Oil, the business of Oil and how the business of Oil affects governments and individuals. I thought it was interesting, but I wouldn't imagine that it will spend much time in British cinemas. Not exactly blockbuster material. I may be wrong. I was quite cheered by the fact that Cineworld at Five Ways put it into screen 5, which is fairly large, and there were not that many empty seats at a 3pm showing. Good performances from George Clooney (most definitely the man at the moment, who would have thought it?), Matt Damon and Jeffrey Wright.

Sunday night. "Just The Two Of Us" (Sian Reeves apparent public nervous breakdown paid off because she actually won the fucking thing despite the fact that she was dreadful), "24" (fantastic) and "Rescue Me" (even better). Then the Oscars. Went upstairs just as Lorraine was getting up. Got off (not literally, mind) watching her shower, much to her annoyance. Went to bed. Woke up after about 5 hours sleep to the sound of drilling, as my foxy next door neighbour Keren is having her windows replaced. Hoovered. Washed up. Showered. Here.

Gone.

Gulp.

OK. If you insist, I won't stop then...

There is some catching up to do, but last things first. In 40 minutes or so the Oscar coverage starts on Sky Movies. There is just time for a few predictions for the main awards. Ready? Here we go.

Film - "Brokeback Mountain"
Director - Ang Lee for "Brokeback Mountain"
Actor - Philip Seymour Hoffman for "Capote"
Actress - Felicity Huffman for "Transamerica"
Supporting Actor - George Clooney for "Syriana"
Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz (Oh, Yes!) for "The Constant Gardener"
Original Screenplay - Paul Haggis & Robert Moresco for "Crash"
Adapted Screenplay - Jeffery Caine for "The Constant Gardener"

The only thing I am sure about is how unsure I am about any of the above predictions. As they used to say in that fine series "Stingray", "Anything can happen in the next half hour".

It's been a fraught week, but as I am off work for the next two days I will go into more details then.

For everybody who was worried about me, I am fine. Things are good. It's been a fine weekend. We went to London, but more about that later.

And at least Bonnie Langford did not win "Dancing On Ice". Hurrah!

Today there was more bad news with regard to work. I was going to go into it in some detail on the blog this evening, but it's late now and the evening just disappeared. Tomorrow. Maybe there will be some perspective after a day has gone by.

(This blog is really struggling, isn't it? I'm not replying to comments, and gaps of days between posts have started to appear. Perhaps I should just stop?)