Pynchon

Does Morrissey, by any chance, have a new album out? Cue the bitching.

On Pete Doherty and Kate Moss.

"I think it is unfortunate that he is more associated with the media and the press and hoo ha and the silliness than he is with music. It's a terrible trap and he's jumped straight into it. And Kate Moss has just dragged him down to her level. I don't honestly have an opinion on him. I don't care."

On Jordan and the Beckhams.

"I was interested in intelligent celebrity. The word now is so base and disgusting and seems to apply to anybody that is anything but a celebrity."

On the Brit Awards.

"The Brits are ghastly and there has never been a time when they haven't got it wrong."For me to ever accept a Brit, well, I never would. It would be like Laurence Olivier being happy getting a TV Times award." (Why wouldn't Olivier be happy picking up a TV Times award? I remember when Lee Majors won Best Actor for his role in "The Fall Guy". Probably not the best actor in the world, if I'm honest, but he was delighted to be there because it was voted for by people who watch popular TV. God forbid. Heathen scum.)

On Tony and Cherie Blair.

"I don't like his face, I don't like his expression. I don't think anybody else does.And I can't stand Cherie Blair's face, I just wonder if there can ever be a photograph of her where she has her mouth shut."

On The Smiths.

"It has been 18 years since it ended. I don't know them, they don't know me, they know nothing about me, I know nothing about them. Anything I know about them is unpleasant, so why on earth do we want to be on stage together making music? I would rather eat my own testicles than reform The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."

On Keef. The Human Riff.

"There have been a few people who have shunned me. Keith Richards ... he knew me, but he didn't actually like me."

On a Frenchman, who used to play for Manchester United.

"Somebody else who just completely blanked me in a shocking way, who just completely wiped me out of history."

And my particular favourite.... On Prince Charles.

"The very idea of Charles being king is laughable. You might as well say that Ronnie Corbett will be king one day. I think that would give people more pleasure." (Actually that sounds like a great idea. King Ronnie. He could have his big chair put into Buckingham Palace.)

Oh, dear... Mozzer, Mozzer... Tell us something that you do like. Please. Liam and Noel Gallagher (and I'm sure you can name others) do exactly the same thing every time they have an album out. Slag everybody and everything off. So boring. So predictable.

Morrissey does make me laugh, though. I loved the Smiths but I cannot comment on Morrissey's solo music because I have never really taken a lot of notice of it. I was at "Madstock" in 1992 when he was canned off by National Front/BNP morons. It was the highlight of the set, if I'm honest. Nice Union Jack, though.