Pynchon

"Definition: Blog, Blogging. A frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links."

Hmm. I think I'll just skip the chronological bit.

********

The concierge that we dealt with mostly at the hotel was a lovely Spanish guy who went by the name of Tomas. Very short, very slim, very young and very dapper. He had a pencil thin moustache, spoke very softly and was extremely courteous and polite, even after we must have annoyed him with a million silly questions.

Such as, from me.

Can you tell us how to get to the O2 Arena?

"Not a problem, Senor. Take the Jubilee line Westbound from Green Park tube station (just around the corner, Senor) and get off at North Greenwich. The O2 Arena is but a stones throw away."

Or from Lorraine.

Can you tell us where the Calvin Klein shop is?

"Ah, Senorita. You are maybe a little early. The new shop will be opening on Regent Street in a couple of months, but you can still find the old shop on Bond Street."

Me again.

Tomas. I cannot tell my arse from my elbow. Can you help?

"I can, my English friend. Your elbow is up your arm from your wrist. As for your arse, take both hands, put them behind your back with your palms on your back and move in a southwards direction. There, you will find your arse."

Thanks, Tomas. You were a real star.

********

On Sunday night we went to see the Rolling Stones at the O2 Arena.




I had an ambition. After many years that ambition has finally been fulfilled. The ambition? To see at least one original member of the 5 greatest British bands of the Sixties in concert.

Those bands, and the members I have seen.

1. The Beatles. (Paul McCartney.)
2. The Rolling Stones. (Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts.)
3. The Who. (Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle.)
4. The Kinks. (Ray Davies.)
5. The Small Faces. (Ian MacLagen.)

(You can disagree with that list, and I'm sure you will. Disagreements are always welcome on this blog.)

It will be difficult to write about the gig without dropping into sad fanboy gushing, but I will try.

The Stones kicked off with "Start Me Up" and they finished with "Brown Sugar". In between there was nearly continuious, 180%, up tempo Rock 'n' Roll. If I had to make a small criticism it would be that, other than Keith's growling "You Got The Silver" (probably growling because he had just eaten a cigarette in front of 20,000+ people - no ban on eating cigarettes rather than smoking them!), a slinky "Miss You" and the gentle guitar intro to "You Can't Always Get What You Want", it was a concert without mood or shade or colour. There were none of the big Stones ballads, as a respite from the relentless energy pouring off the stage, just riff after riff.

Amongst others, they played "Can't You Hear Me Knocking", "Rough Justice", "Honky Tonk Women", "Tumbling Dice", "She Was Hot" (a great, practically forgotten song, that I never in a million years thought they would play), "Sympathy For The Devil" (woo-woos supplied by a collection of Stones wives, girlfriends and children), "Paint It Black", "Satisfaction" and, of course, "Jumping Jack Flash".

No "Let's Spend The Night Together" or "Ruby Tuesday". Bastards. Didn't matter. Charlie was effortlessly cool. He barely broke sweat. Ronnie looked gaunt, but played like a genius. So did Keith. Smiling. Pointing at the band. Directing events. Laughing. He looked like he was having the time of his life and it was great to see. And Mick. Ah... Mick. How old are you exactly? 64 going on 24. That's how old. Still a brilliant performer and dancer and singer.

If you want to read a proper review, and see some pictures, click here. I am just a sad fanboy. I don't pretend I can write a review worth a damn.

I can die happy. I have seen the Rolling Stones in concert. And it was good.

********

St. Pauls Cathederal is much bigger than I thought it would be. The Tower of London is much smaller than I thought it would be. H. M. S. Belfast is about the size I thought it would be.

********

I had to wear my sunglasses when I walked over the Millenium Bridge. It was such a sunny day that it hurt my eyes to look at it.

The Millenium Bridge still sways when you walk over it.

Labels: Gigs, Hotels, Tourism

There is a certain amount of slippage in my life at the moment. There is a constant failure to meet the deadlines that I set for myself. I am getting into the regular habit of breaking promises. Time is out of whack.

It is Wednesday. How is it Wednesday? Where has the time gone? If it wasn't so stupid I would say that my personal elapsed time has gone out of sync with actual elapsed time. The memories of London and the weekend are already fading, which kind of contradicts the above, but hey, don't come here for logical thought.

I had planned to do a stack of writing tonight, but things have got in the way. (Lorraine claims not to be well, which is an early warning sign that we will probably not be going out to eat tomorrow evening. I was not gracious about it and the... ahem... discussion went on for a little while. Then, after Lorraine had stropped off the bed, I watched "Heroes".)

I am very tired. Some of it must have been the alcohol I had last night with Graham after the film. (By the way, Graham, a good night, I thought.) I suffered this morning because of it. It's kind of farcical. I only had two bottles of Corona and a bottle of water; plus, when I got home, I had a banana and a pint of water, which normally kills any hangover dead, but not this time. I have noticed recently that my alcohol tolerance is disappearing. All for the good, I suppose.

All is fine. All is well. I just need to rest. I really will be back tomorrow.

Labels: Thoughts, Time

Just a quick post to say that we are back! Pretty well safe and sound.

It's been an incredibly tiring weekend and Bank Holiday. Our trips to the smoke are always tiring. It's our own fault. We try to cram in as many things as possible and still end up not doing everything we planned to do. As I am at home this week, I was considering going back to London either tomorrow or Thursday to catch a matinee show, but that would be lunacy. Sometimes you just have to stop. Or take the time to go to the cinema. Ha ha!

So, as I said. A quick post. I need to leave the house in a while as I have an appointment with "The Wicker Man". A longer report of

1. Saturday matinee show. A serious, but actually quite funny, play about power, corruption and lies in the Vatican.
2. Saturday evening show. A rip roaring piss take of a much loved 1930's British thriller.
3. The hotel.
4. The greatest concierge in the world.
5. The food in the hotel.
6. Lorraine getting pissed on Gin 'n' Tonics.
7. Street performers.
8. St. Paul's Cathedral.
9. Millennium Bridge.
10. The Globe Theatre.
11. The Tower Of London.
12. H. M. S. Belfast.
13. London Bridge.
14. Walking for miles.
15. Walking for miles in the opposite direction.
16. Da Stones.
17. Lorraine's red face.
18. The distance between people in bed.
19. Breakfast in an Italian Cafe.
20. Walking for miles.
21. Shopping.
22. Fortnum & Mason's.
23. Walking for miles in the opposite direction.
24. Sitting in Green Park.

will follow later (plus all the things I have forgotten at this precise moment).

Today, Lorraine went to work today as she is mad. I went into town and did the shopping for the week. This afternoon I watched an OK television biopic of the story of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis called... Er... "Martin And Lewis". (Jeremy Northam as Dean Martin? Weird, but it worked. Sean Hayes as Jerry Lewis? Very good, I thought.) I slept. I woke up. I paid some bills.

Need to go. Lorraine has just come home.

I hope everyone had a cracking time.

Labels: Lorraine, Plays, Travel

Off to London. The Stones await.

Back Monday.

England 1-2 Germany.

I chose to abandon watching the game after the first half and turned over to watch "Heroes". By all accounts I had seen everything there was to see.

What's that again? You want a picture of Hayden Panettiere? Oh, all right then. If you insist.



I know. You have a question. Do I get embarrassed as a nearly 44 year old man (on Friday next week, kids, if anybody wants to send me a present) lusting over a teenage actress playing a cheerleader? Certainly not. What am I supposed to lust over?

Er...

Nothing else to write, really. My nemesis returned to work today. I ignored him and he ignored me. He's a cunt and I am not. (At least I think I'm not, but please feel free to let me know if you think I am.)

I am thinking of doing a post introducing you to all of my work colleagues, good and bad. If somebody at work is reading this, and I suspect that they might be, it just might get me the sack.

Fantastic! I'm going to do it. Next week. I'll be honest. They can brace me on it if they want. I'm in a self destruction state of mind.

I can feel a mememe coming on. Courtesy of Mr. Planet.

Hi, my name is: Pynchon.

But you can call me: Sir.

Never in my life have I: Felt like a grown up, fully competent person.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Lorraine, for all sorts of reasons.

My high school was: A womb that I hated to leave.

When I’m nervous I: Get headaches.

The last song I listened to was: "Night Of Fear" by The Move.

If I were to get married right now it would be: A mistake.

My hair is: Disappearing fast and what is left is going grey.

When I was 4: It was 1967 and I clearly remember watching TV on which a man was running down a beach being chased by a balloon. (No question, it must have been "The Prisoner" I was watching.)

Last Christmas: "I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away". It's a classic.

I should be: In a better place mentally than this.

When I look down I see: That some of the buttons of my shorts have gone missing. Hey! Let it all hang out, man!

The happiest recent event was: Getting one over on some arseholes from one of the Caribbean sites. I proved without a shadow of a doubt that it was they that fucked up and not me. I got a kind of apology, as well.

If I were a character on "Friends": I'd be Chandler, who was the least annoying character.

By this time next year: I hope that some things will have been sorted out.

My current gripe is: That I feel isolated. In all ways, really.

There’s this girl I know who: Worked on a sex phone line. Nice girl. Very matter of fact about it.

I have a hard time understanding: Accounting systems. (Work stuff. Not interesting.)

There’s these girls: At work that I refer to as the Witches Of Eastwick...

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Lorraine.

I want to buy: Nothing in particular, but finishing paying for this house would give me great satisfaction.

I plan to visit: Las Vegas, again.

If you spent the night at my house: I have no idea where you would sleep, because the spare room is now my room, the big bedroom is used by Lorraine and the bed in the back room is covered with junk.

The world could do without: People forcing their opinions on everybody else.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Some magazines, I suppose.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: was some shower gel.

My middle name is: Tiberius, or was that somebody else's middle name?

In the morning I: Always wake up before the alarm clock.

Last night I was: Watching the football and then I watched "Heroes". (I've already been through this. Were you not paying attention?)

There’s this guy I know who: I have the greatest of respect for as a UNIX technical support analyst. He really is smart, knowledgeable and incredibly clever. Truly a genius who knows his stuff backwards. Sadly I am also constantly disappointed by the lack of respect he shows to everybody who is not part of the clique, is not his buddy and has no wish to be one of his toady's. I also think that it is unseemly the way he has his tongue constantly wedged between the (humongous) buttock cheeks of the office manager.

If I was an animal I’d be a: Shark. (Swimming around. Smiling at the little fish. "I'm not hungry yet, but I might be... later.")

A better name for me would be: Steve. Steve's your buddy. Steve's your mate. Steve is cool. Steve McQueen. Steve McGarrett. Steve Austin. James Bond is a Steve. ("The Tao Of Steve". Check it out.)

Tomorrow I am: On my last day at work before my week off.

Tonight I am: Going to bed in a minute.

My birthday is: Next week! 31st August 2007. The 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death. (I have been through this before.)

You got this from: Me!

Be Cool.

Labels: Football, Mememe, Television

Is it?

It is!

It's a laughter apocalypse!

Joke 1

A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the Bartender when he spied an old Red Indian sitting in the corner. The Red Indian was wearing tribal gear, had long white plaits and a wrinkled face.

"Who's he?", said the Scouser.

"That's the Memory Man", said the Bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember every fact about everything that ever happened. Go and try him out."

So, the Scouser goes over, and thinking that the Red Indian won't know anything about English football, asks him "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"

"Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds".

"And the score?"

"2-1".

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John", was the Red Indian's reply.

The Scouser was knocked out by this and when he got back home he told everyone about the Memory Man.

A few years later the Scouser went back to the USA and tried to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Red Indian. The Scouser decided to greet the Red Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said, "How".

The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box".

Joke 2

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Joke 3

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman. "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well, that beats us...." said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

Joke 4

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one,she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"

Joke 5

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Joke 6

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market - a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, riding a moped, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side mirror."

Joke 7

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, finding a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the wardrobe. He then ties the girl to the bed. While doing so, he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Darling, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey........ I love you."

To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

********

And a mememe, courtesy of Graham.

What makes you laugh? Laurel and Hardy. Still genius.

What question do you most often ask yourself? How can I make things better for myself. (Note. I said myself and not us. Lorraine has often called me a selfish little shit. She's right, as well.)

If given a choice between your career or a career playing football for Norwich, which would you choose? How much do they pay at Norwich? It would depend on that.

Which people (historical or contemporary) would you like to invite to a dinner party and why? The Beatles. Harlan Ellison. Kate Winslet. If it got late, Kate could stay over. I would find space for her.

Can you remember reading any particular book as a child that had a profound influence on your view of life, the universe, etc? The first proper book I ever read by myself was "Monkey Planet" by Pierre Boulle, which was the inspiration for the movie "Planet Of The Apes". I was mad on books and science fiction after that.

If you could invent a sport that even you would have enjoyed taking part in, what would it be? No idea.

Which are your least favourite words and why? It would be a phrase. 'The fix didn't work'. Self explanatory.

If you were to appear in Star Wars would you like to be on the dark side of the force, the goody-goody Luke Skywalker side or would a whole new side have to be invented? I don't know. Honestly.

If you had a time machine, where and when would you go? Early 70's, Birmingham. I would visit my Dad.

What image or monument would you like to have marking your resting place? A giant hand with one finger extended.

What day in your life would you like to be able to replay on demand? A particular, very rude night with Lorraine.

What’s the most rock star thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. Doing "Jumping Jack Flash" on Karaoke, with full Jaggeresque mannerisms? Of course, I was out of my head at the time.

What was your favourite record when you were fourteen? I was 14 in... 1977. Oooh...How about "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA or "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.

What’s on your current playlist? ; I seem to have a lot of The Backstreet Boys in my head at the moment.

Who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met? George Lazenby was very cool. So was David Warner, Sylvester McCoy, Alex Cox and, strangely enough, Pat Roach. RIP.

When do you think you’ll know it’s time to retire? When I have the money to do so.

Labels: Humour

Lorraine has read nothing but Terry Pratchett "Discworld" novels all year. Today she started to read Hubert Selby Jr's novel "Last Exit To Brooklyn".

Her opinion?

"It's vile and disgusting. Really badly written. Awful. Just terrible. Terrible and awful."

So, you're not going to carry on with it, then?

"Of course I am!"

Hmm.

Labels: Reading

A nice, easy 30 questions, just to get back into Blogging again. Courtesy of Mr. Planet.

1. If someone was to surprise you with a present right now, what would you like it to be? No idea. (Not a good start and not good enough an answer. I know. How about a women in nice underwear beckoning me from the door to the bedroom? That would be a nice present?
2. Are dimples REALLY attractive? It all depends on who they are attached to.
3. Don't you find it kinda creepy that "Santa is always watching you"? Do you mean Santa or do you mean Satan? Why the hell would either of them be watching me? So, no.
4. What was the last movie that made you cry? Not sure about a movie, but the last thing I watched that made me cry was the "School Reunion" episode of "Doctor Who" ; specifically the scene where the Doctor tells K-9 that he was a good dog and K-9 wags his tail. I am an utter wuss.
5. If you could make any of your physical attributes BIGGER would you? Maybe a couple of inches on my... height. Oh, yes. And a bigger cock. Obviously.
6. Do you eat the pizza crust? I rarely eat pizza, but yes.
7. How many soul mates does one person have? Just the one at a time, but the person changes.
8. If you had lunch with God, would you offer to pay? Of course I would.
9. Is there such a thing as an Unforgivable action? I would like to say 'No', but the proper answer is probably 'Yes'.
10. When was the last time you got spanked? I honestly cannot remember.
11. Name the last "classic" movie you watched? "Five Easy Pieces", but how do you define a classic?
12. If you HAD to move to a foreign country right this second, where? The United States Of America.
13. Do you like being alone? Yes, I do.
14. Does the forest scare you? No.
15. What would you rather be doing right now? Nothing in particular.
16. Have you ever talked about marriage with anyone? Yes, I have.
17. Who’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? Lorraine.
18. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? I cannot remember.
19. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? Nothing in particular.
20. Describe 2007? A bad hardening of positions.
21. "Harry Potter", "Lord of the Rings" or "Star Wars"? If I had to choose I'd choose "Harry Potter", although I am not a huge fan.
22. Three Names You Go By? Pynchon, Pynchy or Love Machine. (I made one of those up.)
23. There was no number 23, so I'll make one up. Turn to your right. What do you see? The wall, but slightly to the right of that is the window and from that I can see into my neighbour's (the foxy Keren) garden. Her grass needs cutting. Obviously her parents have not visited recently.
24. What is your all-time favourite romance movie? Extremely difficult to choose, but I still really like "Somewhere In Time".
25. Whats your current problem? Finding a way to resurrect some kind of physical relationship with Lorraine. I know that it should not be the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is something and Lorraine doesn't seem to realise that.
26. Do you believe you truly love only once? No.
27. What song do you want to hear at your wedding? Haven't thought about it.
28. One of Your Scars, how did you get it? The scar on my knee I obtained by falling on gravel while running in a race at school.
29. What is your favourite smell? Chips. Chips are your friend. Chips are your buddy. Chips are good for you.
30. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I could murder a cup of tea.

********

Yesterday I went to see "Eagle Vs Shark".

I have not read a single print review that has failed to mention "Eagle Vs Shark" without comparing it to the work of genius that was "Napolean Dynamite". It is kind of unfair, but expected, because both films deal with uber nerds, holding massively misguided high opinions of themselves, and possessing little, if no social skills.

"Eagle Vs Shark" is not bad, but it definitely is not as good as "Napoleon Dynamite". It is not as funny and doesn't have as many good jokes. It is slower, not as well paced and does not have as interesting a selection of supporting eccentrics and geeks. But... It is funny in parts and definitely has it's moments.

My favourite bits? Jarrod's constant taunting phone calls to his nemesis. The "Fool! Sucker! Foolish sucker!" and "Tell him... Justice is coming" bits are particularly funny. Duncan ("The greatest Hacker that I know"), his aberrant computer and cunning sources of information. Jarrod's party and the Fightman contest. Jarrod's training regime. Jarrod's final confrontation with the school bully who "Ruined my life!"

I enjoyed it for what it was. "Eagle Vs Shark" could have been an awful lot worse. I don't know how much of a recommendation that is, though, if you can only afford to see one film.

********

Last night we watched "The Lake House" on cable, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Everything inside me screamed that it should have been the kind of film to make me want to pluck my eyes out, but I rather enjoyed it for the romantic slush that it was. This is despite the fact that it made no sense whatsoever and broke every single rule of cinematic time travel stories. (As did "A Sound Of Thunder" that we watched this afternoon. It's a piece of shit. You must seek it out and watch it.) Lorraine wept throughout "The Lake House". I think she appreciated the hankies I put by her chair.

After that, Lorraine went to bed and I, pissed as a fart and unable to move, watched a huge chunk of a programme on BBC3 called "The 50 Most Annoying Pop Moments" which was fairly annoying in itself. Really predictable, lazy targets like Pete Doherty's trilby, Peaches Geldof's DJ'ing skills, George Michael assignations on Hampstead Heath and Amy Winehouse liking for a drink, etc. One of the most annoying items was the selective bit on Joss Stone and her (apparent) UK career suicide appearance at the Brit Awards 2007.

You may have seen it. Poor Joss Stone, red of hair and short of skirt. The poor child obviously suffering from variable accent syndrome (all the way from Alabamamamama to Dorset via New York), either jet lagged or tripping on some unidentifiable substance, begged us to give "Big Love to Robbie Williams" and other such prime nuggets of drivel.

The talking arses (Donny Tourette, anyone?) on "The 50 Most Annoying Pop Moments" said that this was one of the prime causes for the recent chart failure of her records in the UK and indicated that her career may never recover. Might be true. I don't know. But they also failed to mention that her last album went straight in at #2 on the Billboard chart in the States and that, hey, why should she give a fuck about the UK music fans anyway? Her future, peddling her faux soul R'n'B tosh is in the States.

Nothing happened today. I had my hair cut so that I will look pretty for the Stones next week. We went into town. Lorraine bought clothes. It rained. We are going to watch "A Cock And Bull Story", later. Michael Winterbottom is a genius.

Labels: Mememe, Movies, Music, Television

"The Bourne Ultimatum".



(Excuse me a second while I ogle the Goddess Julia Stiles. (Ogles.) That was nice. Onwards.)

I spoke to the God-Of-Film. He was a bit busy whispering in Zack Snyder's ear about the forthcoming adaptation of "Watchmen" (which was an interesting coincidence in itself because, up to a couple of years ago Paul Greengrass, who directed "The Bourne Ultimatum", was slated to direct "Watchmen"), but He gave me a couple of minutes.

I said to Him, "I want 'The Bourne Ultimatum' to be the best action film released this year".

He said, OK.

I said, "I want it to have a sly, almost non-existent humour".

He said, Sure.

I said, "I want maximum intensity and minimum dialogue".

He said, Fine.

I said, "I want dizzying camera work, global locations, in-your-face fight scenes, heart pounding chase sequences (on foot and in motor vehicles), serious men (and women) doing serious business behind serious computer screens, double crossings, secrets, great performances, murder, mayhem, violence and, finally, closure."

He said, Anything else?

"Yes. I want Matt Damon looking confused and tortured, but as tough as hell, and I want the Goddess Julia Stiles looking foxy."

He said, Done deal my friend.

The God-Of-Film. He often lets me down, but not this time.

All joking apart, "The Bourne Ultimatum" really is an astoundingly great piece of action cinema. My first 9 out of 10 of the year. (10 is perfection, which is impossible.)

Unmissable. Run. Run to the cinema. You still here? Go!

Labels: Movies

I have a feeling that this week is just going to be one of those where I am conspicuous by my absence.

I definitely will not be here tomorrow night because we are going to see "The Bourne Ultimatum" at The Electric Cinema. It is a rare non-weekend visit to the cinema which, strangely enough, was Lorraine's idea. I think she just fancied a change to the normal boring routine. It will be an evening of drinks, nibbles, a comfy sofa seat (twenty four quid for the two of us!) and, hopefully, a really good film. I've liked both of the previous "Bourne" films a great deal, so I have high hopes.

I wasn't here last night because I didn't feel very well. It was all down to too much sweet food, drinks, ice cream and yogurt. I retired to my bed at about 9pm, played with my MP3 player (The Amen Corner, Andrea True Connection, Ash, Arthur Conley, The Backstreet Boys, The Bangles, The Bee Gees, The Boomtown Rats) and then watched the finale of "Cape Wrath" until way past midnight. (The ratings for "Cape Wrath" have dived over the past few weeks, but I've enjoyed every minute of it's cobbled together mix of "The Prisoner", "Twin Peaks" and "X-Files". And that Lucy Cohu....? Oooh, yes. I think so... Great final camera shot, as well).

********

Fancy a joke? Course you do.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman.

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman

The duck looks confused.

"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

********

And finally... I've always loved this song. Groovy.

Labels: Illness, Movies, Music, Television

Am I losing interest? Seems to be that way, doesn't it? No post since Thursday evening. Every time I thought that it might be a good idea to get back onto the computer, I found good reasons not to. Cleaning the house. Watching the TV. Listening to music. Going to the cinema. Wandering around town. Really kind of lame.

Well, I'm here now. I suppose that it's a start.

On Saturday I went to see "Waitress".



Jenna (Keri Russell) is a waitress working in a small town diner. Jenna is a pie making genius. She is able to think up new recipes for pies, based on her state of mind at the time (I-Hate-Myself-And-I-Want-To-Pie, anyone?), seemingly at will. But Jenna has problems. She is married to a boorish and self centered man that she hates. She is accidentally pregnant by him. She is resigned to bringing this new life into the world, but finds no joy in it. Jenna is attracted to the new Doctor in town, but all she can see are her dreams of escape slowly withering and dying. There is no way out. Or maybe there is?

The Cineworld on Broad Street in Birmingham was quiet. ("Waitress" is hardly Summer blockbuster material.) I had the entire back row to myself, except for two old ladies sitting a couple of seats away from me. When "Waitress" had finished, one of the old ladies turned to the other and said

"Wasn't that a really nice film?"

Hey! Who am I to compete with that? "Waitress" really is a nice film. It is a very sweet, very cute and dryly funny comedy drama. Lovely performances by the whole cast (Keri Russell just glows), especially from Jeremy Sisto as Jenna's terrible husband Earl. He manages to turn what could have been a pretty one dimensional character into a full fledged study of cruelty and self centeredness, based on terrible, deep down insecurity. It's just an extended cameo, but I think that it is a great performance.

If it hadn't have been for the Adrienne Shelly's notorious death, and the resultant publicity, "Waitress" may never have got the reasonable distribution in the UK that it is getting. That would have been a shame. I'm glad that I saw it. If you are of the cynical bent, stay at home, but if you aren't, go and see "Waitress". You will like it.

On Sunday I went to see "Transformers".



Er... Well...

Lorraine wanted to see the latest Harry Potter epic, but the Showcase on Kingsbury Road had fucked up the start times. So, rather than wait for an hour, Lorraine agreed that "Transformers" was an OK substitute.

So we bought tickets and went in. The adverts came and went, so did the trailers. The lights went down and the film started. It was then that I noticed the smell. I looked around. I sniffed here and there. Couldn't place it. I looked at Lorraine. Had she farted? No. I sniffed some more. The smell was getting worse. Then it dawned on me. The smell was coming from the fucking screen!

I thought "Transformers" was absolutely awful.

Maybe it's me. My Brother (37 years old) has seen it twice. He loved it. My Nephew (11 years old) has seen it twice. He loved it. Two male work colleagues (21 and 30 years old respectiviely) say that they loved it. A female work colleague (26 years old, blonde, nice figure, likes to lick her lips, cheeky smile...) thought that it was "not bad".

What do they know? They know nothing.

If you are into a whole military hardware, scientific geek fest celebration, then there are things to enjoy in "Transformers" (some of the miliatary hardware sequences are great), but there is also really, really bad and predictable comedy featuring, a geek on whom the whole future of the human race depends (who you just know is going to get the hot girl despite the fact that she seems to have been dipped for hours in perma-tan), comedy parents, comedy black ops operatives (John Turturro hold your head in shame), irritating Jar Jar Binks stylee robots (Bumblebee and the other villainous little robot, all squeeks and R2D2isms) and a greatest-hacker-in-the-world (Tm) who is an overexcited, fat, black dude who eats too much. Give me strength...

I'm also starting to suspect that for a (generally considered by some?) top action Director, Michael Bay has no idea how to direct a coherent action sequence. "Transformers" suffered from exactly the same too close approach that ruined action sequences in "Armageddon" and "The Island". Too much happening and it was happening too fast. For God's sake, Michael, pull back and let the audience see what is going on. You don't have to be right in the middle of it all of the time.

I never watched the original series. Should I have done? I feel that I've missed out on something.

By the way, Lorraine liked "Transformers" a lot. She said that it was a fine, Summer movie. (Fume. Snarl. Growl. Spits in disgust.)

We are going to see "The Bourne Ultimatum" on Thursday evening. Please, please, please, God-Of-Film, let it be great!

Labels: Block, Movies

I am taking pleasure in mundane activities at the moment. Paying bills, copying music onto my MP3 player, sorting out bank accounts, watching TV, etc. All good, but sadly it doesn't make very interesting reading. So, howsabout another mememe?

Nicked from Mr. Planet.

If I weren’t talking to you right now I’d be… probably watching the TV.

A phrase I use far too often is… "Bollocks". It's not really a phrase.

I wish people would take more notice of… other people. I don't think that the majority of people are evil, just thoughtless, careless and wrapped up in themselves.

The most surprising thing that happened to me… was when I finally got into a relationship with a woman. It took a long time.

A common misconception of me is… that I am constantly miserable. I am not. I consider myself an optimist.

I am not a politician but… I would authorise massive investment in the infrastructure of this country.

I’m bad at… being serious.

The ideal night out is… a great film, great food and great sex with somebody who wants it.

In moments of weakness… I feel sorry for myself.

In another life I would have been... A great and respected writer.

The best age to be is… 14 years old.

In a nutshell my philosophy is… you cannot take it with you.

Labels: Mememe

The idea last night was to post a couple of things, but it never happened because I was astoundingly tired. It's what tends to happen when you go to bed after midnight, get up before 6am, kick against the pricks all day and then fight with your woman for a fair chunk of the evening.

I ended up collapsed on the settee watching a horrible Indiana Jones/Tomb Raider rip off TV movie called "The Librarian: Quest For The Spear". It starred, of all people, Noah Wyle of "ER" fame. Actually, it wasn't really bad. Just cheaply made, a bit lame and with Kyle MacLachlan chewing the scenery as the nefarious villain.

Apparently there is a sequel called "The Librarian II: Return To King Soloman's Mines". It sounds pretty terrible. I might have to watch it. Just for completions sake, you understand.

Labels: Knackered, Television

Mark has another mememe. Hard to resist.

1. Do you like asparagus?
   Yes I do, even though it tends to makes the wee smell a bit strong. I once read an interview with the adult filmmaker Steve Perry, better known as Ben Dover, who said that eating asparagus is a definite no-no if you are a professional porn actor. You have to think of your fellow performers.
2. Do you have a middle name?
   Yes I do. Today it is Manroot.
3. Do cats frustrate you as pets or do you admire their independence?
   Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. Ben was the greatest cat in the world, although he showed both Lorraine and myself utter indifference most of the time. The time he didn't was when he wanted to be fed.
4. Did you ever break a guys nose?
   Don't think so. No.
5. Would you say you won more fights than you've lost?
   Probably not.
6. Was there a time when you were mystified by the workings of your penis?
   Probably not, but the first actual orgasm was a nice surprise. The theory wasn't as nice as the practice.
7. Do you look like your mother or your father?
   I am the spitting image of my Dad.
8. Did you date an older woman that you'd consider an older woman and what did she teach you?
   Lorraine is older than me by 3 years and is the only older woman I have slept with. I think that she is a bit of a prude. Next question.
9. What's your first image of the female body?
   The face. No, really! The face. I swear it, Guvnor.
10. Does the respect factor drop when a woman has breast implants?
    Not at all. So a woman wants big tits? Big deal! Good for her, if she wants them, can afford them and it makes her happy.
11. Do you like Roller Coasters?
    Not particularly. Not really thought about them.
12. What do you imagine happens to someone after the body dies?
    They disintegrate. I hope in my heart that there is a heaven and that one day I will see my Dad again, and meet my Grandparents, but I don't really believe it will happen.
13. Do you believe that you are a spirit with a body or just a brain?
    Just a brain.
14. Did the female anatomy every mystify and scare you?
    No, but a beautiful woman is a thing to cherish.
15. Have you ever been caught in a natural disaster?
    No, touch wood.
16. Did you ever own Birkenstocks?
    No fucking way.
17. Did you ever fall in love with an animal in a way where you wish you could talk like human friends?
    Yes. My Dog was the greatest Dog in the whole wide world. I would have liked to have heard his voice and had a chat with him.
18. Do you feel we are all potentially Christlike?
    No. Some people are just born shit with no redeeming features.
19. Do you have hope for humanity?
    Yes, I do. I am an optimist.
20. If not, how can you keep going in the face of that hopelessness?
    I repeat. I am an optimist.

********

On Saturday I went with my Brother to watch Aston Villa Vs. Inter Milan. We won 3-0. It was a great occasion and a great day out. All the more sweeter because my Brother assured me that we were going to be on the end of a spanking by the Italian champions, and by a mile. This was from the world's greatest Villa fan.

We might have had a brew or two to celebrate. In fact, I seem to vaguely remember that we did have a brew or two.

Of course it is early days. The Villa won well, but it was only a friendly, and I'm told that Inter Milan did not have their strongest side out. We still do not have strength in depth. When injuries start to mount up we are going to struggle, unless we buy pretty soon. But you know what? It doesn't matter.

We beat fucking Inter Milan! Manchester United did not manage to do that.

********

No movies at the cinema this weekend. The sun was out, Lorraine wanted to go into the city centre to buy a DS Lite and all was right with the world. For the first post weekend in an age I don't feel like I have missed anything.

Labels: Football, Mememe

Since Thursday I have not turned on the computer or even thought about the computer. Frankly it's done me the world of good. I needed the break. I think that sometimes you can get into the ridiculous situation in which you imagine you are letting people down by not blogging, not forcing the words out and not having anything interesting to say. Just ridiculous and stupid. I'm not going to get into that mindset again.

So, let's start this again. Where was I? Ah, yes. "Goldfinger", with Graham, last Tuesday at the Cineworld on Broad Street. Part of the Summer Of British Films festival.

But first, as requested by the lovely Katy, a picture of the sex beast that was Sean Connery.



(By the way, the lady on left is Margaret Nolan who played the crucial part of 'Dink' in "Goldfinger" and was also the 'Golden Girl' who appeared over the main titles. Later on she appeared, without many clothes, in a whole heap of 60's, 70's and 80's TV shows and movies, including a few of the "Carry On" films. I have no idea if she could act or not. I cannot say it concerned me a very much. Ha! Ha! Ha!)

It was an interesting evening.

It started with a little talk about "Goldfinger" by Graham Young, who is the film editor of the Birmingham Post and Evening Mail. In my opinion Graham Young is the worst film reviewer to see print since the days of horror when Paul Ross (Jonathan Ross' brother) used to write in the "News Of The World" (he might still do - I don't know - I don't read it) and appear on cutting edge television programmes like "GMTV" talking drivel.

Much more interesting was 'Big Mike', chief projectionist of the Cineworld at Broad Street, who took us through the differences between digital and film prints. (Basically a cartridge that you plug into a machine and press 'start', as opposed to reels of film being spliced together by a professional, while making minute adjustments to colour, tone, sound, etc. 'Big Mike' seemed a bit sad at this state of affairs'.

So, what did I think of "Goldfinger" in 2007?

Hmm... Difficult because, well, "Goldfinger" has dated, (hell, it was made in 1964 - everything made in 1964 has dated), but if you can get beyond the terrible quips (Bond electrocutes a baddie, puts his jacket on and, practically winking at the camera, says "Shocking"), lazy plotting (why doesn't Goldfinger just take the mobster who decides not to join in with his plans outside and shoot him, rather than go through the whole rigmarole of getting him to drive away so that Oddjob can kill him and crush his car?) and displays of the power of rampant machoness (Bond turns the mercenary Pussy Galore - by the way, the greatest Bond girl name of all time! -to his side, just by nobbing her in the barn) it is still a great and very enjoyable movie. "Goldfinger" is still incredibly funny, has brilliantly choreographed action scenes, looks brilliant in the new digital transfer and, of course, Connery is still effortlessly cool. No wonder that people still consider him to be the definitive movie Bond. He still has utter sexuality and magnetism.

It's not the best Bond film (Hi there "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" !), but it is a good movie.

Graham wrote a quite interesting little bit about "Goldfinger" here, which I would urge you to read. Much more interesting than the bit I have just written.

My introduction to the world of Bond was via the big bang method.

In the early 70's (1974 or 1975, memory fades) the Odeon Cinema on New Street did a James Bond retrospective. Over a week they showed every Bond film made up to that point, excluding the Moore Bond's and "Casino Royale" (which didn't count, anyway). Every day my Dad gave me money and every day I trooped to the cinema to be regaled with stories of a cool secret agent, beautiful women, deadly villains and their global threatening nefarious schemes. Great stuff.

I think that my real interest in cinemagoing was probably still a couple of years away, but that week was definitely the first dawning.

Labels: Movies

I am ashamed to say this evening that I am finding it incredibly difficult to place one word after another. So, I am not going to bother. I know what I want to write about "Goldfinger", but I cannot seem to manage it.

Another time.

As you were.

Labels: Block

For somebody who claims to know more than a little about movies, I'm ashamed to admit that I am pretty sure I have never sat through an Ingmar Bergman movie; not even accidentally. However, I did like "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey", which references Bergman's "Det Sjunde Inseglet" or "The Seventh Seal", so I suppose I have to give respect to him for being the inspiration behind such an incredible motion picture experience.

During my teenage years Bergman's daughter Anna was also pretty inspiring.



Anna starred in such seminal movies as "Adventures Of A Taxi Driver", "Come Play With Me" and "What's Up Superdoc?"; not to mention her unforgettable role as Ingrid Svenson in the classic plea for racial harmony and understanding that was the television series "Mind Your Language". They don't make them like that any more.

Outstanding.

Michelangelo Antonioni is also dead. The Yardbirds, featuring Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck, were in "Blow-Up", you know.

Last night I went with Graham to see "Goldfinger". It was a very enjoyable night. Good company. Good film. Let me direct you to Graham's blog on which he waxes forth with his (interesting) thoughts on the film. I'll add my two pennyworth tomorrow.

It's a bit late and I am a bit tired.

Labels: Movies