Pynchon

Something more interesting than my constant physical deterioration. Thank you Mr. Planet.

The Truth Quiz. 70 Questions (well, not really, because some are missing, but I'll make up questions to fill in the gaps), 70 answers. All true.

1. Name. Age. Gender? John. 44. Male.
2. What describes your relationship situation? Tense and annoying and terrible, but sometimes great, because I really do love her.
3. Where were you three hours ago? In a car being driven home.
4. What was the last movie you saw? "In Her Shoes" on the TV. I thought it was really good.
5. Do you live with your parents? No.
6. If No, would they want you to live with them? No.
7. Who was your last conversation with and what was it about? Lorraine. Had I rang NHS Direct?
8. What happened last time you were drunk? I got verbose and I slagged off lots of people at work (to Lorraine's ex-boss, attaboy!)
9. Ever been out without underwear on? No.
10. Colour of your shirt? Green. I could make a crack here about it hiding the puke, but the puke is slow coming.
11. Colour of your eyes? Green.
12. Ever been to the beach at night? I'm sure I must have.
13. Good advice if you ever go camping? Watch out for the stinging nettles.
14. Are you a bad influence? My Brother thinks so and so does Lorraine.
15. What was the last argument you had about? With Lorraine about my health.
16. Did you win the argument? No.
17. Einstein or Hawking? Einstein.
18. Rather have your name or your siblings name? Real name or Blog name? I like both.
19. Have a crush on anyone? Yes.
20. Do they like you back? No.
21. Favorite colours? No idea.
22. Ever held a baby? Yes.
23. Last song you heard? "Good Times" by Eric Burdon and the Animals.
24. Wear glasses? Yes, for reading.
25. Last thing someone bought you? Chinese takeaway.
26. Who is your best friend? Lorraine.
27. Does your best friend have a myspace? No.
28. Whose page did you visit last? Medusa's.
29. Speak to any of your ex's? What ex's?
30. Where is your phone? On my table.
31. Next gig you're going to? Roger Hodgson.
32. And the one after that? Ian Brown.
33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears CDs? No.
34. Can Britney recover? Sure she can.
35. Best gig you've ever been to? The Bootleg Beatles at the Birmingham NIA, a couple of years ago.
36. Emo or Scene? I have no idea what you are talking about. Emo. Didn't he used to work with Rod Hull?
37. Favourite Arabic curse? "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits".
38. iPod or Zune? Neither. Creative Zen for me, thanks.
39. Do you watch "Family Guy" regularly? No.
40. Seen "The Simpsons" Movie? No.
41. Do you read trashy romance novels often? No.
42. Favourite writer? Harlan Ellison.
43. Do you sing in the car? Probably not.
44. Do you ever sing in the shower? Yes.
45. What's in your CD player right now? The Best Of Bananarama.
46. Last person to tell you they loved you? Probably my Niece.
47. Do you think they meant it? Yes.
48. Singer who died too young and would have changed the course of popular music if they had lived? Buddy Holly.
49. The next Doctor in "Doctor Who"? I have kind of warmed to the idea of it being James Nesbitt. Bet it doesn't happen, though.
50. Coffee or tea? Tea.
51. Sausages or bacon? Sausages, specifically Porkinsons, the greatest sausages in the world.
52. Tidy or untidy? Untidy.
53. Which old television series would make a killer movie? "The Man From U.N.C.L.E", which should star George Clooney as Napoleon Solo and Brad Pitt as Ilya Kuriyakin.
54. Last person spoke to on the phone? Lorraine.
55. Do you like to dance? Yes.
56. Have you ever written a song? I write many songs as I drop off to sleep. All of them are hits.
57. How much is too much? Too much is too much.
58. Will you drink a toast to Margaret Thatcher on the day that she dies? Sure will. I have nice bottle of Barolo, circa 1997 which has been put aside to celebrate when the witch finally goes to hell.
59. Ever had a sexual proposal made to you by a member of the same sex? Yes. I said that I was flattered, but that I was straight as straight can be and not remotely interested.
60. Ever been proposed to or proposed to someone? No.
61. Want to go to Uni/College? I would rather stick needles up my arse.
62. Favourite subject at school? English. Shame that I am so bad at it.
63. Favourite tipple? Don't really have one, but I'm never going to touch Groschl again.
64. Last Pub you went to? The Figure Of Eight.
65. Ever stayed up all night? Yes.
66. "Harry Potter", "Lord of the Rings" or "Star Wars"? None of them.
67. Who is the next person you will kiss? Probably Lorraine.
68. A recent memory? My Mom was very happy on Tuesday night when I rang her up.
69. What's your favourite Disney movie? I am sure I wouldn't know such a thing.
70. Baths or Showers? Showers.

I am feeling a little dizzy. Time to rest.

Labels: Mememe

England 1-2 Germany.

I chose to abandon watching the game after the first half and turned over to watch "Heroes". By all accounts I had seen everything there was to see.

What's that again? You want a picture of Hayden Panettiere? Oh, all right then. If you insist.



I know. You have a question. Do I get embarrassed as a nearly 44 year old man (on Friday next week, kids, if anybody wants to send me a present) lusting over a teenage actress playing a cheerleader? Certainly not. What am I supposed to lust over?

Er...

Nothing else to write, really. My nemesis returned to work today. I ignored him and he ignored me. He's a cunt and I am not. (At least I think I'm not, but please feel free to let me know if you think I am.)

I am thinking of doing a post introducing you to all of my work colleagues, good and bad. If somebody at work is reading this, and I suspect that they might be, it just might get me the sack.

Fantastic! I'm going to do it. Next week. I'll be honest. They can brace me on it if they want. I'm in a self destruction state of mind.

I can feel a mememe coming on. Courtesy of Mr. Planet.

Hi, my name is: Pynchon.

But you can call me: Sir.

Never in my life have I: Felt like a grown up, fully competent person.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Lorraine, for all sorts of reasons.

My high school was: A womb that I hated to leave.

When I’m nervous I: Get headaches.

The last song I listened to was: "Night Of Fear" by The Move.

If I were to get married right now it would be: A mistake.

My hair is: Disappearing fast and what is left is going grey.

When I was 4: It was 1967 and I clearly remember watching TV on which a man was running down a beach being chased by a balloon. (No question, it must have been "The Prisoner" I was watching.)

Last Christmas: "I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away". It's a classic.

I should be: In a better place mentally than this.

When I look down I see: That some of the buttons of my shorts have gone missing. Hey! Let it all hang out, man!

The happiest recent event was: Getting one over on some arseholes from one of the Caribbean sites. I proved without a shadow of a doubt that it was they that fucked up and not me. I got a kind of apology, as well.

If I were a character on "Friends": I'd be Chandler, who was the least annoying character.

By this time next year: I hope that some things will have been sorted out.

My current gripe is: That I feel isolated. In all ways, really.

There’s this girl I know who: Worked on a sex phone line. Nice girl. Very matter of fact about it.

I have a hard time understanding: Accounting systems. (Work stuff. Not interesting.)

There’s these girls: At work that I refer to as the Witches Of Eastwick...

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Lorraine.

I want to buy: Nothing in particular, but finishing paying for this house would give me great satisfaction.

I plan to visit: Las Vegas, again.

If you spent the night at my house: I have no idea where you would sleep, because the spare room is now my room, the big bedroom is used by Lorraine and the bed in the back room is covered with junk.

The world could do without: People forcing their opinions on everybody else.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Some magazines, I suppose.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: was some shower gel.

My middle name is: Tiberius, or was that somebody else's middle name?

In the morning I: Always wake up before the alarm clock.

Last night I was: Watching the football and then I watched "Heroes". (I've already been through this. Were you not paying attention?)

There’s this guy I know who: I have the greatest of respect for as a UNIX technical support analyst. He really is smart, knowledgeable and incredibly clever. Truly a genius who knows his stuff backwards. Sadly I am also constantly disappointed by the lack of respect he shows to everybody who is not part of the clique, is not his buddy and has no wish to be one of his toady's. I also think that it is unseemly the way he has his tongue constantly wedged between the (humongous) buttock cheeks of the office manager.

If I was an animal I’d be a: Shark. (Swimming around. Smiling at the little fish. "I'm not hungry yet, but I might be... later.")

A better name for me would be: Steve. Steve's your buddy. Steve's your mate. Steve is cool. Steve McQueen. Steve McGarrett. Steve Austin. James Bond is a Steve. ("The Tao Of Steve". Check it out.)

Tomorrow I am: On my last day at work before my week off.

Tonight I am: Going to bed in a minute.

My birthday is: Next week! 31st August 2007. The 10th anniversary of Princess Diana's death. (I have been through this before.)

You got this from: Me!

Be Cool.

Labels: Football, Mememe, Television

A nice, easy 30 questions, just to get back into Blogging again. Courtesy of Mr. Planet.

1. If someone was to surprise you with a present right now, what would you like it to be? No idea. (Not a good start and not good enough an answer. I know. How about a women in nice underwear beckoning me from the door to the bedroom? That would be a nice present?
2. Are dimples REALLY attractive? It all depends on who they are attached to.
3. Don't you find it kinda creepy that "Santa is always watching you"? Do you mean Santa or do you mean Satan? Why the hell would either of them be watching me? So, no.
4. What was the last movie that made you cry? Not sure about a movie, but the last thing I watched that made me cry was the "School Reunion" episode of "Doctor Who" ; specifically the scene where the Doctor tells K-9 that he was a good dog and K-9 wags his tail. I am an utter wuss.
5. If you could make any of your physical attributes BIGGER would you? Maybe a couple of inches on my... height. Oh, yes. And a bigger cock. Obviously.
6. Do you eat the pizza crust? I rarely eat pizza, but yes.
7. How many soul mates does one person have? Just the one at a time, but the person changes.
8. If you had lunch with God, would you offer to pay? Of course I would.
9. Is there such a thing as an Unforgivable action? I would like to say 'No', but the proper answer is probably 'Yes'.
10. When was the last time you got spanked? I honestly cannot remember.
11. Name the last "classic" movie you watched? "Five Easy Pieces", but how do you define a classic?
12. If you HAD to move to a foreign country right this second, where? The United States Of America.
13. Do you like being alone? Yes, I do.
14. Does the forest scare you? No.
15. What would you rather be doing right now? Nothing in particular.
16. Have you ever talked about marriage with anyone? Yes, I have.
17. Who’s on your mind RIGHT NOW? Lorraine.
18. When was the last time you fell over or ran into something? I cannot remember.
19. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed? Nothing in particular.
20. Describe 2007? A bad hardening of positions.
21. "Harry Potter", "Lord of the Rings" or "Star Wars"? If I had to choose I'd choose "Harry Potter", although I am not a huge fan.
22. Three Names You Go By? Pynchon, Pynchy or Love Machine. (I made one of those up.)
23. There was no number 23, so I'll make one up. Turn to your right. What do you see? The wall, but slightly to the right of that is the window and from that I can see into my neighbour's (the foxy Keren) garden. Her grass needs cutting. Obviously her parents have not visited recently.
24. What is your all-time favourite romance movie? Extremely difficult to choose, but I still really like "Somewhere In Time".
25. Whats your current problem? Finding a way to resurrect some kind of physical relationship with Lorraine. I know that it should not be the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is something and Lorraine doesn't seem to realise that.
26. Do you believe you truly love only once? No.
27. What song do you want to hear at your wedding? Haven't thought about it.
28. One of Your Scars, how did you get it? The scar on my knee I obtained by falling on gravel while running in a race at school.
29. What is your favourite smell? Chips. Chips are your friend. Chips are your buddy. Chips are good for you.
30. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I could murder a cup of tea.

********

Yesterday I went to see "Eagle Vs Shark".

I have not read a single print review that has failed to mention "Eagle Vs Shark" without comparing it to the work of genius that was "Napolean Dynamite". It is kind of unfair, but expected, because both films deal with uber nerds, holding massively misguided high opinions of themselves, and possessing little, if no social skills.

"Eagle Vs Shark" is not bad, but it definitely is not as good as "Napoleon Dynamite". It is not as funny and doesn't have as many good jokes. It is slower, not as well paced and does not have as interesting a selection of supporting eccentrics and geeks. But... It is funny in parts and definitely has it's moments.

My favourite bits? Jarrod's constant taunting phone calls to his nemesis. The "Fool! Sucker! Foolish sucker!" and "Tell him... Justice is coming" bits are particularly funny. Duncan ("The greatest Hacker that I know"), his aberrant computer and cunning sources of information. Jarrod's party and the Fightman contest. Jarrod's training regime. Jarrod's final confrontation with the school bully who "Ruined my life!"

I enjoyed it for what it was. "Eagle Vs Shark" could have been an awful lot worse. I don't know how much of a recommendation that is, though, if you can only afford to see one film.

********

Last night we watched "The Lake House" on cable, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Everything inside me screamed that it should have been the kind of film to make me want to pluck my eyes out, but I rather enjoyed it for the romantic slush that it was. This is despite the fact that it made no sense whatsoever and broke every single rule of cinematic time travel stories. (As did "A Sound Of Thunder" that we watched this afternoon. It's a piece of shit. You must seek it out and watch it.) Lorraine wept throughout "The Lake House". I think she appreciated the hankies I put by her chair.

After that, Lorraine went to bed and I, pissed as a fart and unable to move, watched a huge chunk of a programme on BBC3 called "The 50 Most Annoying Pop Moments" which was fairly annoying in itself. Really predictable, lazy targets like Pete Doherty's trilby, Peaches Geldof's DJ'ing skills, George Michael assignations on Hampstead Heath and Amy Winehouse liking for a drink, etc. One of the most annoying items was the selective bit on Joss Stone and her (apparent) UK career suicide appearance at the Brit Awards 2007.

You may have seen it. Poor Joss Stone, red of hair and short of skirt. The poor child obviously suffering from variable accent syndrome (all the way from Alabamamamama to Dorset via New York), either jet lagged or tripping on some unidentifiable substance, begged us to give "Big Love to Robbie Williams" and other such prime nuggets of drivel.

The talking arses (Donny Tourette, anyone?) on "The 50 Most Annoying Pop Moments" said that this was one of the prime causes for the recent chart failure of her records in the UK and indicated that her career may never recover. Might be true. I don't know. But they also failed to mention that her last album went straight in at #2 on the Billboard chart in the States and that, hey, why should she give a fuck about the UK music fans anyway? Her future, peddling her faux soul R'n'B tosh is in the States.

Nothing happened today. I had my hair cut so that I will look pretty for the Stones next week. We went into town. Lorraine bought clothes. It rained. We are going to watch "A Cock And Bull Story", later. Michael Winterbottom is a genius.

Labels: Mememe, Movies, Music, Television

I am taking pleasure in mundane activities at the moment. Paying bills, copying music onto my MP3 player, sorting out bank accounts, watching TV, etc. All good, but sadly it doesn't make very interesting reading. So, howsabout another mememe?

Nicked from Mr. Planet.

If I weren’t talking to you right now I’d be… probably watching the TV.

A phrase I use far too often is… "Bollocks". It's not really a phrase.

I wish people would take more notice of… other people. I don't think that the majority of people are evil, just thoughtless, careless and wrapped up in themselves.

The most surprising thing that happened to me… was when I finally got into a relationship with a woman. It took a long time.

A common misconception of me is… that I am constantly miserable. I am not. I consider myself an optimist.

I am not a politician but… I would authorise massive investment in the infrastructure of this country.

I’m bad at… being serious.

The ideal night out is… a great film, great food and great sex with somebody who wants it.

In moments of weakness… I feel sorry for myself.

In another life I would have been... A great and respected writer.

The best age to be is… 14 years old.

In a nutshell my philosophy is… you cannot take it with you.

Labels: Mememe

Mark has another mememe. Hard to resist.

1. Do you like asparagus?
   Yes I do, even though it tends to makes the wee smell a bit strong. I once read an interview with the adult filmmaker Steve Perry, better known as Ben Dover, who said that eating asparagus is a definite no-no if you are a professional porn actor. You have to think of your fellow performers.
2. Do you have a middle name?
   Yes I do. Today it is Manroot.
3. Do cats frustrate you as pets or do you admire their independence?
   Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. Ben was the greatest cat in the world, although he showed both Lorraine and myself utter indifference most of the time. The time he didn't was when he wanted to be fed.
4. Did you ever break a guys nose?
   Don't think so. No.
5. Would you say you won more fights than you've lost?
   Probably not.
6. Was there a time when you were mystified by the workings of your penis?
   Probably not, but the first actual orgasm was a nice surprise. The theory wasn't as nice as the practice.
7. Do you look like your mother or your father?
   I am the spitting image of my Dad.
8. Did you date an older woman that you'd consider an older woman and what did she teach you?
   Lorraine is older than me by 3 years and is the only older woman I have slept with. I think that she is a bit of a prude. Next question.
9. What's your first image of the female body?
   The face. No, really! The face. I swear it, Guvnor.
10. Does the respect factor drop when a woman has breast implants?
    Not at all. So a woman wants big tits? Big deal! Good for her, if she wants them, can afford them and it makes her happy.
11. Do you like Roller Coasters?
    Not particularly. Not really thought about them.
12. What do you imagine happens to someone after the body dies?
    They disintegrate. I hope in my heart that there is a heaven and that one day I will see my Dad again, and meet my Grandparents, but I don't really believe it will happen.
13. Do you believe that you are a spirit with a body or just a brain?
    Just a brain.
14. Did the female anatomy every mystify and scare you?
    No, but a beautiful woman is a thing to cherish.
15. Have you ever been caught in a natural disaster?
    No, touch wood.
16. Did you ever own Birkenstocks?
    No fucking way.
17. Did you ever fall in love with an animal in a way where you wish you could talk like human friends?
    Yes. My Dog was the greatest Dog in the whole wide world. I would have liked to have heard his voice and had a chat with him.
18. Do you feel we are all potentially Christlike?
    No. Some people are just born shit with no redeeming features.
19. Do you have hope for humanity?
    Yes, I do. I am an optimist.
20. If not, how can you keep going in the face of that hopelessness?
    I repeat. I am an optimist.

********

On Saturday I went with my Brother to watch Aston Villa Vs. Inter Milan. We won 3-0. It was a great occasion and a great day out. All the more sweeter because my Brother assured me that we were going to be on the end of a spanking by the Italian champions, and by a mile. This was from the world's greatest Villa fan.

We might have had a brew or two to celebrate. In fact, I seem to vaguely remember that we did have a brew or two.

Of course it is early days. The Villa won well, but it was only a friendly, and I'm told that Inter Milan did not have their strongest side out. We still do not have strength in depth. When injuries start to mount up we are going to struggle, unless we buy pretty soon. But you know what? It doesn't matter.

We beat fucking Inter Milan! Manchester United did not manage to do that.

********

No movies at the cinema this weekend. The sun was out, Lorraine wanted to go into the city centre to buy a DS Lite and all was right with the world. For the first post weekend in an age I don't feel like I have missed anything.

Labels: Football, Mememe

I like this kind of game. Courtesy of Mr. Planet.

Set your iPod (or in my case Creative Zen Sleek MP3 player - there are other personal music players on the market, kids!) to shuffle. Play six songs. Write about each one.

Here we go.

"Tracy Jacks" by Blur from "The Mod Squad".

"The Mod Squad" was a bootleg of a gig that Blur did at the Aston Villa Leisure Centre in Birmingham on the 5th October 1994. If I remember rightly it was being recorded for broadcast on Radio 1. It might even have been going out live. I cannot remember.

I was at that gig! Pulp were the support band. They played "Common People" for the first time that night. Definite hit, I remember thinking at the time. As for Blur... I remember that Alex James smoked throughout the entire gig. Graham Coxon wore the tightest T-shirt I had ever seen. Damon Albarn was a bundle of energy - he never stopped moving. Dave Rowntree... er... drummed a bit. Really good gig. I jumped around a lot. They should put the recording out officially. It's a good record of how they were live at their peak. Lots of Damon clones (blonde hair and checked shirts, at that point) and over excited girls in audience. I was out of my head on booze and... other things. Sister 1 picked me up afterwards and the car broke down. A story for another time.

"Young Hearts Run Free" by Kim Mazelle from the "Romeo + Juliet Soundtrack".

Not as good as the original Candi Staton version, but I suppose it is OK. I really liked the film it came from, though. Di Caprio's finest moment except for "The Basketball Diaries".

"Finest Worksong (Mutual Drum Horn Mix)" by R.E.M. from "Eponymous".

The mix that was rejected for inclusion on "Document", but saved for single release and inclusion on the first greatest hits collection. In my humble opinion it pisses all over the version on "Document". I never liked the version on "Document", but this is great.

"Sophisticated Boom, Boom" by the Shangri-Las from "Shangri-Las Greatest Hits".

Sixties girl group genius. Lead singer Mary Weiss had a particularly brilliant teenage sounding voice. Sometimes yearning, sometimes pleading, sometimes stroppy, sometimes heartbroken. They were a brilliant pop group and made some great records. I hear that Mary Weiss has just released a solo album on which she is backed by a teenage garage band. I might try and get a hold of that one.

"California Earthquake" by the Mamas & The Papas from "Mamas & The Papas Greatest Hits".

The story goes that Cass Elliott auditioned lots of times to get into the Mamas & The Papas and John Phillips always turned her down because she couldn't hit a particular note. Then she banged her head in an accident, auditioned again and... could hit the note. Just goes to show. (Shows what exactly? Er... Don't know.) Cass Elliott was always a brilliant singer.

"Candle In The Wind" by Elton John from "Elton John: Greatest Hits 1970-2002".

This is the proper version. (1974 and about Marilyn Monroe. Not 1977 about Princess Di. I do not like the 1997 version very much, but I can respect that she was his friend and it was a heartfelt tribute to her.) It's a good song from the period when everything Elton John did turned to gold. I still kind of like him. Is that terribly uncool? Bollocks. I glory in my uncoolness.

Except for the last one, I didn't really write about the songs did I? Ah... Never mind.

********

I have been tagged by the lovely Katy. Here are the rules.

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Ready? Here we go. I am sure that everybody has heard all of this stuff before, but I may drag up something new. You never know.

1. I wear spectacles for close work, like reading, but only one of the lenses (the left, I think) is actually a lens. The other is just clear glass. I often read the newspaper on the bus without putting my glasses on and do not have any problems.
2. In my head I have always referred to my penis as a 'winky'. I do not know why, how or where the name came from. It has always been there. When writing about my 'winky' I always have to force a name change when writing it down to something more appropriate like 'Cock', 'Mr. Cucumber', 'Pink Torpedo' or 'Man Root'. Subtlety is the key word here.
3. I had Chickenpox in my early teens which, apparently, is quite late to contract it. I fainted out cold walking into the living room one morning and spots started developing all over my body while my Mom watched. I'm told that it completely freaked my Mom out. I was very, very ill and was off school for weeks and weeks. At the time it seemed like I watched every television program broadcast on UK television in 1976.
4. The first single I ever bought was "Paperback Writer" by the Beatles, which is the greatest single of all time.
5. At work I have a coffee in the morning and at lunchtime. The rest of the time at work I only drink water. It was a conscious decision because I read somewhere that coffee is ageing and dehydrating.
6. In times of trouble I dream about my Dad. My Dad died at 43, but in my dreams he has become an old man. He still looks good, though. He would have been 72 on 3rd April 2007. He talks to me and tells me, "You're doing OK, Son". I'm not, but that's my Dad for you.
7. I have a rare fingerprint called a whorl. All the male Pynchon's have the same type of fingerprint on the same fingers. I would bet money that my Granddad on my Dad's side had the same type of fingerprint. None of the Pynchon women have the fingerprint.
8. I sometimes write reviews for The Internet Movie Database. I don't think I am very good, but I enjoy doing it.

So, then. I tag

1. Graham.
2. Mr. Planet.
3. Stef.
4. Suburban Hen.
5. Doug.
6. Swiss Toni.
7. Ginny.
8. Threelights.

but you don't have to do it if you don't want to.

********

No film today because, after shopping for food, I got stuck into watching "The Thirty-Nine Steps" (Hitchcock's 1935 version) which I thoroughly enjoyed. Yes, it is old and creaky, but the script is sparkling. I reckon that if they shot exactly the same script today, with modern production values, and cast George Clooney as Richard Hannay, they would have a huge hit.

Or am I just in love with Big George in a gay way? Might be...

********

That's all for today. Bugger off...

Labels: Mememe, Movies, Music

It has been a quiet day. A mememe, methinks, courtesy of Graham.

1. [Beer] Yes, please. Let's get a couple in, shall we? Save us going to the bar later.
2. [Relationships] are great when they are going well, a nightmare when they are not.
3. [Purple] vein. I've got one. I suppose most men have.
4. [Power Rangers] is a television show that has confused me for many a year.
5. [Weed] Ah... "Bill And Ben". Now, that was what you call a classic television show.
6. [Steroids] Apparently J.F.K was on steroids for years.
7. [The President] is probably not as stupid as people like to make out.
8. [Tupperware] is sometimes useful.
9. [Florida] is sunny, I hear.
10. [Santa Claus] Vs. S.P.I.D.E.R is a story by the great writer Harlan Ellison.
11. [Halloween] 2007 is when "Saw IV" is due to be released. I kind of like the "Saw" films, repetitive though they may be.
12. [Bon Jovi] are shite.
13. [Grammar] is something that most of the people I work with have no concept of, says smug Pynchon.
14. [Myspace] is something that I know very little about.
15. [Worst fear] Suffocation, being trapped with nowhere to go.
16. [Marriage] could be great if it is going well, but a nightmare if it isn't.
17. [Paris Hilton] should never have gone to prison. Would you break a butterfly on a wheel?
18. [Pat] is a wonderful word for a girl to have on her T-Shirt.
19. [Redheads] are people with red hair.
20. [Blondes] are people with blonde hair.
21. [Pass the] dutchie on the left hand side. Classic single by Musical Youth. The soundtrack to the autumn of 1982.
22. [One night stand] is a pretty good (and serious) film starring Wesley Snipes and Natasha Kinsky.
23. [Donald Trump] has got kind of an interesting haircut.
24. [Neverland] is a place that was once owned by Michael Jackson. He might still own it. I don't know.
25. [Pixie stix] is a powdered candy packaged in a wrapper that resembles a drinking straw. (Thank you Wikipedia.)
26. [Vanilla ice cream] is kind of nice.
27. [Hooters] melons, floppy fun bags, jugs, tits, thanks for the mammaries, etc.
28. [High school] More like low school.
29. [Pajamas] Haven't worn them for years.
30. [Woods] There are things in the woods. I've seen "The Village".
31. [Wet Socks] will always dry in time, assuming that they are not left in the rain.
32. [Computer] love. I think that was a song. (Kraftwerk?)
33. [Love] is a fine song by John Lennon.

I'm off to watch some TV.

Labels: Mememe

I didn't intend to blog this evening. I wanted to spend time with Lorraine. I suggested that we watch either "Sixty Six" (my choice) or "Nanny McPhee" (her choice), but she didn't want to spend time with me for all sorts of reasons. I watched "Sixty Six", which I really enjoyed, while she skulked in the corner.

The atmosphere downstairs is poisonous, so here I am.

Here's a mememe, courtesy of Graham.

1. Made out for more than 3 minutes? No. I don't think I ever have.
2. Slept in a different bed? Yes.
3. Made out in a movie theatre? No. Movie theatre's are to watch movies in. Fuck off somewhere else if you want to eat each other's faces. Call me a killjoy. I couldn't give a crap.
4. Made out with 2 different people in one night? No.
5. Thought your cousin was hot? Oh, I don't think so.
6. Been in love? Yes. Truly and deeply.
7. Slept past noon? Quite a lot during the 80's and 90's. These days it is a struggle staying in bed past 8:30am at the weekends.
8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex? Yes. Very sexy.
9. Gone over the speed limit? I don't drive, but I once did the circuit around the Birmingham streets at about 5am in the morning, with a boy racer I once worked with. God knows what he hit, but it was over the ton.
10. Painted your room? No.
11. Drove a car? Yes. I did take driving lessons for quite some time and was an absolute, totally abject failure.
12. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes. Still do.
13. Gotten a hickey? No.
14. Been dumped? Yes, and possibly about to happen again pretty soon, methinks.
15. Stole money from a friend? Never.
16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes.
17. Been in a fist fight? Not really.
18. Snuck out of your house? No.
19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Hasn't everybody?
20. Been arrested? No.
21. Made out with a stranger? No.
22. Left your house with out telling your parents? Probably not. I was a good boy.
23. Had a crush on your neighbour? Oh, yes. Presently I have the foxy Keren on one side (a slim redhead, early 20's, with lips that could suck a golf ball through a hose) and Mr. Rasta's missus on the other side (curvy blonde, mid 30's, kind of dirty looking, if you know what I mean). Both nice people, actually.
24. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes. Maybe I wasn't such a good boy.
25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? Of course.
26. Seen someone die? Yes. My Dad. He was in my arms at the time. Heart attack. 13th August 1978. I am not scared of death. I am scared of pain.
27. Been on a plane? Yes.
28. Kissed a picture? Yes. Britney Spears at work, to gross out a girl that I work with.
29. Slept in the opposite sex's bed? Yes.
30. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes, but she doesn't care.
31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.
32. Made a snow angel? No.
33. Played dress up? Yes, when I was about 12.
34. Cheated while playing a game? Of course.
35. Been lonely? Yes. All the time.
36. Fallen asleep at work/school? Nearly.
37. Been to a club? Yes.
38. Felt an earthquake? Yes. There was a tremor in the UK, sometime around 1990, and it felt like something really heavy being dropped in the room next door.
39. Touched a snake? No.
40. Ran a red light? Yes.
41. Been suspended from school? No. I was a good boy.
42. Had detention? No.
43. Been in a car? Yes.
44. Hated the way you look? Yes. Still do. I could do with a little bit more hair, height and a little bit less weight.
45. Witnessed a crime? Yes. I have a guy who comes every couple of weeks to cut the grass in the back garden. I didn't know it at the time, but I saw his lawnmower being nicked.
46. Been lost? Yes. In Rome, Italy. Very scary.
47. Been to the opposite side of the country? Yes. I went to both Devon and Glasgow in the late 70's, but on the days I visited they were both shut.
48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? Yes.
49. Cried yourself to sleep? No.
50. Sang karaoke? Yes. I was magnificent. People were so moved they had to wipe the tears from their eyes.
51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? Yes.
52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes.
53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Probably.
54. Kissed in the rain? Yes.
55. Sung in the shower? Everyday. This morning it was "The Impossible Dream". I'm still in a bit of a Scott Walker state of mind.
56. Had a dream that you married someone? No.
57. Played getting married? No.
58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? Nah. I've seen that film. ("Dumb And Dumber".)
59. Ever gone to school partially nude? No, but what a brilliant thing that would have been.
60. Been on a blind date? No.
61. Sat on a roof top? I don't think so.
62. Didn't take a shower for a week? Technically, yes, because I've only had a shower for the past 10 years. Before that it was all baths.
63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? No.
64. Played chicken? No.
65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No.
66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? No. I am not particularly attractive.
67. Broken a bone? Wrist, hand, both legs. Such fun.
68. Been easily amused? I am a man. Of course I am easily amused.
69. Laugh so hard you cry? Yes.
70. Cheated on a test? No.
71. Forgotten someone's name? Yes.
72. Blacked out from drinking? Yes.
73. Played a prank on someone? Yes.
74. Gone to a late night movie? Yes.
75. Made love to anything not human? Yes. My ego.
76. Failed a class? A couple.
77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No.
78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No.
79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? Physically, no. Mentally, yes.
80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? (Just checked the blog.) Doesn't look like it.
81. Thrown strange objects? Probably.
82. Felt like someone else? As in a schizophrenic episode, perhaps? No.
83. Thought about running away? Yes, but my Mom would be terribly upset.
84. Ran away? No. See above.
85. Had detention and not attend it? No.
86. Made parents cry? My Dad didn't cry about anything. When he was upset he drank and danced and appeared to have a great time. My Mom? I don't know.
87. Cried over someone? Yes.
88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? What is a sharpie?
89. Dated someone more than once? Yes.
90. Have a dog? Yes, had two. The greatest dogs in the whole wide world, even though they took the piss constantly.
91. Own an instrument? I had a casio keyboard. I was not exactly Rick Wakeman.
92. Been in a band? No.
93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No.
94. Broken a CD? No. Way too careful for that to happen.
95. Shot a gun? No.
96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? No.
97. Fell asleep at the computer? No.
98. Have a major crush on someone right now? No.
99. Have a religion? No. I believe in fuck all.
100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? I won't be there, so why should I give a shit what anybody says about me when I am dead.

Labels: Mememe

A couple of mememe's, before I get back on track. Lazy post. Found on Someday baby...; a random blog I dropped in on.

This one is probably more suitable to the American school experience, but let's give it a go, shall we? Your last year at school/college/university/whatever. Questions.

1. Who was your best friend? Didn't have one.
2. What sports did you play? None. I was on an IT course.
3. What kind of car did you drive? I don't drive. I'm afraid that I chickened out on that part of growing up.
4. It's Friday night. Where are you? At home.
5. Were you a party animal? No.
6. Were you considered a flirt? No. For the first half of the year I was skinny, wore black national health glasses and a "Blake's Seven" T-shirt. How could I be a flirt? I would have been crucified. The second half of the year was slightly different. I changed my glasses, bought a wicked striped jacket and black jeans. I also shaved my head. People looked at me differently. It was as if I had been replaced by a stranger. To this day I cannot believe that I did it.
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.
8. Were you a nerd? See 6. and you decide.
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? No.
10. Can you sing the fight song? We do not go in for such things in the UK, so no.
11. Who were your favourite teachers? Stuart and Clive.
12. Where did you sit during lunch? I didn't. I walked around.
13. What was your school's full name? Bournville College Of Further Education.
14. School mascot? Fuck knows.
15. Did you go to Prom? We do not do such things in the UK.
16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? Oh, yes, but in the rerun I would be cool for the whole of the year.
17. What do you remember most about graduation? You mean the day I left? Drinking too much.
18. Where did you go senior skip day? I don't know what that is.
19. Were you in any clubs? No.
20. Where did you go most often for lunch? Haven't I already answered that. See 13.
21. Have you gained some weight since then? Yes.
22. Who was your Senior prom date? Enough of this prom nonsense.
23. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? I don't do school reunions. People pointing at the loser and asking you what you are doing now? No thanks.
24. Who was your home room teacher? I cannot remember.
25. Who will re-post this after you? A couple of people, I would hope.
26. Who was your high school sweetheart? I had an insane crush on a girl. She was nice to me ,but had no interest in me in a romantic way.
27. Do you still talk to people from high school? Not a single one.
28. Did you win prom queen or king? No, but we did have a pop music quiz and I demolished all opposition on the subject of mid 60's pop.

This one is a bit more general.

1. I've come to realize... that people are way too uptight.
2. I am listening to... fireworks going off. (I don't know what that is all about.)
3. I talk... pretentious nonsense, some of the time.
4. I love... Lorraine.
5. My best friends... know who they are.
6. My Car... is non existent
7. My love life... is fucking rubbish.
8. I hate it when people ask... how I am doing at the moment.
9. Love is... a many splendoured thing. (My Dad used to sing that to my Mom.)
10. Marriage is... the point of no return.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking... that they are going to score tonight.
12. I'm always... thinking of what I'm going to write next.
13. I have a secret crush on... Roxanne Pallett (Jo Stiles from "Emmerdale".)
14. I love to eat... (That's the sentence in itself.)
15. My cell phone... is never turned on. (Good God, somebody might call me! We can't be having that, can we?)
16. When I wake up in the morning... lift my head, I'm still yawning. (From "I'm Only Sleeping", written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.)
17. Before I go to bed... I clean my teeth and wash my face.
18. Right now I am thinking about... going to bed.
19. Babies are... the glue that can sometimes hold a relationship together.
20. I get on MySpace... once in a while. (I do not have an account, so it is pretty irrelevant to me.)
21. Today I... saw "Ocean's Thirteen". (I rather enjoyed it, as well. I will write about it at another time.)
22. Tomorrow I will... clean the house and go to see "Hostel: Part 2".
23. I really want... to get on better with Lorraine.
24. Someone that will most likely re-post this... will have an easier time of filling it in than I have.

Labels: Mememe

Another quick mememe, courtesy of Graham, and then I'll call it a night.

Singing in the shower? Certainly. I have "Wig Wam Bam" by the Sweet in my head, at the moment, so that was this morning's choice.

Left the stove on? I cannot remember ever doing that.

Ate Stale food? Sure.

Spit in someones Drink? No. Never.

Played with Barbies? Don't think so.

Kissed your posters of your favorite stars? I once licked a picture of Britney Spears to gross out a girl at work. Does that count?

Listened to stupid music and said you like it? Absolutely yes. I once argued the case for the validity of "Barbie Girl" by Aqua as a piece of seminal pop music.

Made someone cry? Men are on this Earth to make women cry. Sometimes with laughter.

Opened your Christmas presents early? Yes. In 1977 my Dad gave me money in the November, instructed me to buy Christmas presents for myself, and to return them to him so that he could wrap them and give them to me on Christmas Day. My Mom was not party to this piece of sneakiness.

Found money and didn't turn it in? I've never found anything more than about a quid and I've kept it every time. Any more than that and I would think twice.

Gave money to a homeless person? Done that. My Brother once turned down a request for money from a homeless person, was called a "Fat Cunt!" and got into a fight with that person. I'm with my Brother on that one.

Thought "Star Wars" was cool? In 1978 I thought it was the greatest film of all time. That feeling has evaporated somewhat.

Had a super-hero costume? No, but in 1970 I had an Apollo spacesuit costume, which I wore everyday for six months. I also had a ray gun. My Dad told me that the real Apollo astronauts took ray guns to the moon, but it was kept quiet.

Lied to protect a friend? Yes.

Broken a bone? Yes. Wrist and leg.

Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times? No. Never managed to sit through that piece of shit even once (which, of course, disqualifies me from talking about it.)

Played a Computer game for more than 5 hours? No.

Dyed your hair a colour from the rainbow? No, but Sister 1 once painted by nails black. Oh, how I was laughed at.

Hugged your mom in the past 24 hours? No.

All together now...

"Hiawatha didn't bother too much..."

Labels: Mememe

Fancy a memememe? Courtesy of the deadly Reed Twins.

My Record Collection.

FIRST RECORD YOU BOUGHT? Single - "Paperback Writer" by the Beatles (I'm not that old; it was the 1976 re-release). Album - "The Best Of The Monkees" by... Er... The Monkees. The first record I ever owned was "A Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles. My Aunt bought it for me for Christmas 1972.

LAST RECORD YOU BOUGHT? "All Over The Place" by the Bangles. Had to pay an arm and a leg for it from a rare record shop, but it was worth it.

RECORD YOU PLAY BEFORE A NIGHT ON THE TOWN? "Let's Spend The Night Together" by the Rolling Stones, "Sweet Soul Music" by Arthur Conley, "Wig Wam Bam" by the Sweet, "Rock And Roll Star" by Oasis.

RECORD YOU'D PLAY THE MORNING AFTER A NIGHT ON THE TOWN? A bit of Simon and Garfunkel always goes down well.

MOST EMBARRASSING RECORD IN YOUR COLLECTION? I have no embarrassing records in my collection. I am also very modest and have a very large cock.

RECORD YOU ALWAYS DANCE TO AT WEDDING RECEPTIONS? I once went to a wedding reception where they played "Transmission" by Joy Division and everybody freaked out to that one. Never heard it at a wedding since. Otherwise, don't know. I don't go to that many weddings.

FAVOURITE RECORD FOR SHAGGING TO? "Love To Love You Baby" by Donna Summer, who actually sounds like she was having sex while making the record. Naughty Donna. It's been a long time since I have actually had a shag, so I don't know what would be suitable now.

BEST RECORD FOR PLAYING IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS? "Everybody's Been Burned" by the Byrds. Possibly David Crosby's greatest ever 3 minutes and 9 seconds.

RECORD YOU'D PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? "The Carnival Is Over" by the Seekers. The saddest goodbye song of all time. My Gran had it played at her funeral, and if it is good enough for her, it is good enough for me. Leave 'em crying.

FAVOURITE RECORD SLEEVE? I really like the sleeve for the CD version of "Relics" by Pink Floyd, which featured a three-dimensional version of the original LP cover sketch drawn by drummer Nick Mason. Really beautiful sleeve. Also, you cannot go much wrong with the Beatles "Revolver" cover, drawn by Klaus Voorman.

LYRIC OR SONG YOU WISHED YOU'D WRITTEN? At the moment, "One day you'll walk right out of this life, and you'll wonder why you didn't try" from "Ghosts", written by Paul Weller, recorded by the Jam.

RECORD YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE GUESTED ON? I wouldn't have the audacity to suggest that I could have improved any record by guesting on it, so probably none. I would have liked to have seen a Beatles recording session, so maybe they would have let me sing on the chorus' of "All You Need Is Love" or "Yellow Submarine"? i.e. When you couldn't actually pick me out.

RECORD YOU'S RECOMMEND TO A KERRANG READER? Couldn't suggest a thing. The heaviest records in my collection are probably by the Who or Led Zeppellin. I would imagine that Kerrang readers would already know all of their music. I know! How about "Action" by the Sweet? A great rock single, which would probably be dismissed by rock fans because the Sweet started as a teenybop, a glam rock band. Their singles "Fox On The Run" and "The Six Teens" were also really good.

Labels: Mememe, Music

40 questions. Found on a random blog.

1. Who is the last person you high-fived? Probably my nephew. We certainly do the whole clenched hand, knuckle touching thing all of the time.
2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? Of course. History is written by the winners.
3. Do you sleep with the TV on? Only by accident.
4. Have you ever drunk milk straight out of the carton? Almost certainly, but I cannot remember the last time.
5. Have you ever won a spelling bee? Nope, but when I was 9 I came first in a reading aloud contest and they gave me a little cup. My Step Grandfather got it engraved for me. I have still got it.
6. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Don't think so. If I ever was, it was so long ago that I cannot remember.
7. How fast can you type? These days, no idea, but when I did typing at school I passed an exam at 80 words per minute.
8. Are you afraid of the dark? No.
9. Eye colour? Green. Lorraine says that there is a bit of blue in there as well, but I have never seen it.
10. Have you ever made out at a drive-in? No. Never been to a drive-in. If I did go to a drive-in, I would be attempting to watch the movie and nothing would distract me, unless the woman with me was spectacular (Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Connolly, et al).
11. When was the last time you chose a bath over a shower? Probably the last time I had the shits. March?
12. Do you knock on wood? No.
13. Do you floss daily? No.
14. Can you hula hoop? Don't know. Never tried.
15. There wasn't a question 15, so one of my own. Look to your left. What is the first thing you see? A Staples bag containing 3 ring binders.
16. Are you good at keeping secrets? Yes, except for my own.
17. What do you want for Christmas? Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men. Failing that, sex with the most beautiful female porn star in the world. They are both as likely to happen as each other.
18. Do you know the Muffin Man? No. He doesn't live around here.
19. Do you talk in your sleep? I've been told that I do. Apparently I argue with myself.
20. Who wrote the book of love? No idea.
21. Have you ever flown a kite? Everybody has flown a kite.
22. Do you wish on your fallen lashes? I have no idea what that means.
23. Do you consider yourself successful? No. Far from it.
24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell? I don't know. I barely turn my phone on. Maybe two. My Mom's number and my home number.
25. Have you ever asked for a pony? No.
26. Plans for tomorrow? Birthday meal with my family and then Lorraine and I are going to see "Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End".
27. Can you juggle? I could once. I once attended a seminar by this guy. Really interesting and fascinating course about memory and learning techniques. At the start of the seminar he promised us that by the end of it we would all be able to juggle, and we could. Something to do with unconscious mental motor functions.
28. Missing someone now? Oh, yes. Lorraine is downstairs on the laptop logged onto the work server, but she mentally she is absent from me. Lately it is happening a lot. Honestly, I miss my friend Vicky.
29. When was the last time you told someone "I love you"? I don't know.
30. And truly meant it? If I say it, I always mean it.
31. How often do you drink? Not in the week. I have stopped that nonsense. I have had some wine this evening. Not too much.
32. How are you feeling today? Melancholy.
33. What do you say too much? Bollocks.
34. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? Amazingly, no.
35. What are you looking forward to? Bit pathetic, this, but the climax of the latest series of "Doctor Who". I thought this evening's episode was a stone cold classic. I had to wipe away a sad tear. True.
36. Have you ever crawled through a window? Oh, yes. Sister 1 once broke the front door (it's a long story, which I won't bore you with now) and nobody could open it. I had to escape the house from the kitchen window.
37. Have you ever eaten dog food? Not that I know of, but the food in the canteen at work sometimes resembles dog food.
38. Can you handle the truth? Yes I can. Give it to me straight.
39. Do you like green eggs and ham? Aren't green eggs, rotten eggs? In that case, no. I do like ham. Kill the pigs! Kill the pigs!
40. Any cool scars? I have a scar on my forehead from when I butted the fireplace at my Gran's when I was 6 months old. I have a scar on my left elbow from when I once fell on some gravel at school. I have a scar on my left leg from when I cut my leg open on some glass. (Inside it looked white and spongy. I remember that.)

en·nui (noun) A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

I did see "Jindabyne" today, which I really liked, but I just don't have the energy to write about it.

Labels: Boredom, Mememe, Movies

I set myself deadlines. The deadlines pass me by. Such is life. I will catch up with events, shortly.

Fancy a memememe before I get started in trying to catch up? Of course you do.

Courtesy of Mark who may have gotten it from somewhere else. (I am also a bit behind in what everybody else is up to. Sorry about that.)

1. Can you cook?

Not sure. Depends on what you want cooked. Lorraine has eaten everything I've put in front of her. (Oooh, errr...) I'll have a go at cooking anything, though.

2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?

Probably panic, freak out and attack the person next to me. Claustrophobia. It's not a lifestyle choice.

3. What talent do you wish you had?

I wish I could write songs. In fact I wish I was a good writer, full stop.

4. Favourite place?

Here.

5. Favourite vegetable?

I've gone off vegetables quite a lot recently, but if pushed I would say potatoes. (Are potatoes a vegetable? It's a moot point.)

6. What was the last book you read?

Just finished "Equal Rites" by Terry Pratchett. (Not bad, but I didn't think it was as good as the first two "Discworld" books.) I am currently reading "The Circe Complex" by Desmond Cory. (I have a little story about the reasons behind that choice, which I will go into later.)

7. Are you Dirty or Clean?

I can be both. What did you have in mind?

8. Any tattoos and/or piercings?

None at all.

9. Worst habit?

Biting my fingernails.

10. What's your philosophy on life?

Life's too short to have a philosophy on life.

11. Negative or Optimistic?

Optimist.

12. What was your dream growing up?

To be rich.

13. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

My Dad dying.

14. Tell me one weird fact about you?

I have a target whorl fingerprint on one finger on each hand. My Dad had, and my Brother and Nephew have, the same fingerprint on exactly the same finger on each hand. Apparently it is incredibly rare. It looks something like this.



The circles are a bit too small too count, but I have a damn sight more than 7 of them.

15. How do you fall asleep?

Out like a light, most of the time, unless I've been eating chocolate or drinking ginger beer, in which case I am throwing myself around the bed for hours. Good job that I am not sharing the bed with anybody at the moment, isn't it? (Bitter? Moi? Nah.)

16. If you had one day to live, what would you do?

Probably kick some ass that needs kicking. See my Mom, see my family, write something on the blog.

17. A million bucks... what would you do with it?

Invest it carefully and never work for anybody ever again.

18. What is your worst fear?

Suffocation.

19. Favourite thing to do in your spare time?

Going to the cinema and reading.

20. Can you sing or dance?

Sure I can. I've always been a superstar, but the rest of the world hasn't cottoned on to the fact yet.

21. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest!

Do you mean describe me (as in yer Pynchon) or describe the person you nicked the mememe from (yer Mark)? In that case (me) sad and (Mark) smart.

22. Will you repost this so I can fill it out?

Already done it, chief.

Wasn't that fun?

Now where was I? Oh, yes. Catching up.

A hell of a lot of things have happened since Wednesday night. I'll try not to go on for too long.

On Wednesday night Lorraine and I went to see Meat Loaf.



I once knew a guy. Bit of a muso. Knew his music. Hated pop music. Loved rock music. He told me that the "Bat Out Of Hell" album was great, but that it could have been fronted by anybody, as it was (and I remember this phrase exactly) "just a vehicle for Jim Steinman's Wagnerian concept rock".

Great phrase that. Of course, total bollocks. How could it have been the same without Meat Loaf?

I mean, just how important is the lead singer? If Jimmy Page had gone for somebody else to sing on the first Led Zeppelin album (and he asked a guy called Terry Reid first, but he turned them down), would it have made much of a difference? At that stage Robert Plant wasn't writing very much (he only has one co-writing credit on the first album), so it wouldn't have much of a difference to the songs, but I think it would have made an awful big difference to the sound.

Wednesday night was the fourth time I have seen Meat Loaf live. The first two times were brilliant. The third time was less that brilliant. It was towards the end of the tour. Lacklustre, slow, no energy. Actually really boring. Unfortunately it was the first time Lorraine had seen him with him and she said "never again". Not long after that show we heard that Meat Loaf had been hospitalised with a heart problem. I forgave him. Not his fault. We were determined to see him again, if he ever toured again.

On Wednesday night Meat Loaf was magnificent. Just brilliant. No other word for it. Over the top, monstrous, bombastic, sweat filled gig and as loud as hell. Explosions, guitar solos, foxy female backing singers, drums. A gig full of character. Meat Loaf's character. And it was really, really funny as well.

On screen, first clips of Meat Loaf as he was in 1977. The ruffled shirt and (suede?) jacket. The long hair. The red handkerchief. Then he came out. He looked exactly the fucking same as in the clips. Same shirt, jacket, hair and handkerchief. Straight into the song cycle "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" (normally played later in the set), sharing vocals with one of his backing singers Aspen Miller (who, frankly was a fantastic looker and a fantastic singer), trying to seduce her, failing dismally.

Then suddenly it stopped and she said, "And I could never go with a guy who wears a wig" and she pulled his wig off.

... Well, I thought it was funny. I suppose you would have to be there.

Seriously, though. Great gig and we really enjoyed it. Pure rock panto. It was billed as the "Three Bats Tour" because all Meat Loaf was playing were the songs from the 3 "Bat Out Of Hell" albums. All this meant, practically, was that he did not play was "Dead Ringer For Love", but look at some of the songs he did play.

"I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)", "You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth", "Bat Out Of Hell", "It's All Coming Back To Me Now", "Objects In A Rear View Mirror Sometimes Appear Closer Than They Are", "Bad For Good", "Life Is A Lemon (And I Want My Money Back)", "Blind As A Bat", etc.

I think I need a lie down. I'm suffering from metal fatigue.

(Weirdest thing. Lorraine just shouted up to me that "Tits Ricci is on the TV" referring to the lovely Christina Ricci. I've just thanked Lorraine for telling me, but explained that I will be seeing Christina's tits' tomorrow in "Black Snake Moan" and that the delights of "That Darn Cat" can probably wait.

I've got Christina Ricci's autograph, you know.)

Friday morning I went to see "Next" starring Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel.




I get a lift home from work sometimes with a guy called Freddie Podge. Nice guy. Very amiable. Freddie goes to see all of the big, popular films. (That's fine by me. At least he is going to the cinema. I know more people who don't go to the cinema than do go to the cinema.) Freddie knows that I like movies and we chat about them in the car. A lot of the time we disagree about what we see, but that is fine as well.

Freddie went to see "Next". He said that he liked it, but described it as the most confusing film he had ever seen.

I wasn't confused by "Next", but a particular phrase does come to mind.

What is it again?

Got it.

"Next" is a piece of shit.

Not un-entertaining, in a TV movie kind of way, but with people like Nicolas Cage (very wooden, like everyone says he is, and I normally defend him) and Julianne Moore (who seems to be somewhere else in her head - maybe she was thinking about how the paycheck for "Next" will finance the improvements she needs to make on her house), it should have been so much better. Jessica Biel was really pretty, though.

"Next" is just lame and predictable and strangely unexciting. Probably not a good thing if you are making an action film. (Then again, if you could see two minutes into the future it would be predictable and strangely unexciting. Ha ha ha!) How many times have you see a stolen nuke plot recently? A couple of times.

I liked the ending. Or did I hate the ending? Was it a massive cop out or was it an ingenious head fuck? I don't know.

Maybe I am confused after all.

I have just been told that I need to cook food before we watch Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in "The Break Up" on Sky Movies at 8pm. I suppose I could tell Lorraine to cook it herself, and do the washing up, but I don't fancy broken fingers.

Tomorrow (I promise), From The Jam (Bruce Foxton and Rick Buckler) , "28 Weeks Later" and "Magicians".

Labels: Mememe, Movies, Music

Re-reading my last post I think that I gave the impression that I am drunk constantly. Not exactly true. I rarely drink any alcohol during the week and don't normally do too much of it at the weekend. Frankly I don't know what came over me last weekend. The special occasion of going out with Lorraine for the evening? The urge to show off with my family? The intention to drink my Brother under the table?

Stupid and ridiculous.

I have a mememe. Stolen from lots of places. (Frankly I have nothing much else to write.)

1. Do you still talk to the person you LAST kissed? Yes, I do. I kissed my Niece, or to be more accurate, my Niece gave me a kiss on the cheek. It's her birthday next week (she will be 10) and she called me up yesterday to say that she would like as a present the first book written by Katie Price/Jordan, "Being Jordan" (WTF?) and some money.

2. Have you ever seen your best friends cry? Yes. I have seen Lorraine cry, but other best friends? What best friends? Don't be ridiculous.

3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? Nothing whatsoever, as far as I can recall.

4. What is the last thing you ate? Gammon, egg and chips. Not a healthy choice, but it was Lorraine's idea, so at least I can blame her.

5. Did you get any compliments today? Actually, yes I did. From Lorraine. It was at my official work appraisal. She said that I have done a really good job on supporting the old product by myself, the proof of the pudding being that I was practically the only person in the Support Section that has not been complained about by the customers. Yes, surprised me as well.

6. Have you ever gone to court? No.

7. There was no number 7 on the original mememe, so I suppose I had better make a question up. How about, what was your first memory? My 7th birthday party. There was a cake. There were balloons. There were a million adults getting pissed. I think there was also a fight between uncles. Ah... Great times.

8. Are you friends with your neighbours? Mr. Rasta and his missus Gillian are very nice people and the foxy Keren is... foxy, but friends? Not really. They keep to themselves and so do we.

9. No question number 9. I'll make up one. Who would be your celebrity girlfriend/boyfriend? Kate Winslet. 8 years now and going strong. (Since "Holy Smoke".)



10. What language does your mum speak? English.

11. Where have you lived throughout your life? Birmingham, Leicester, Nottingham.

12. What's the last piercings you got? I haven't got any piercings.

13. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes? Drove myself? Early 90's. Was driven? Today. We had a lift home.

14. Do you get distracted easily? Completely. I cannot concentrate on anything lately.

15. Have you ever thrown up/passed out from drinking? Thrown up, yes. Passed out, no.

16. How many times have you drank alcohol? Must be thousands of times.

17. No question 17. So, should Al Gore run? Yes, he should. I think he would make a difference.

18. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.

19. Have you ever toilet papered someones house? No, but my Brother once painted somebody's windows red in the middle of the night, because they called my Mom a whore.

20. Have you ever had a crush on your Sister's/Brother's friend? My Brother has known many a fine wench and I have fancied all of them.

21. Have you ever gone to a beach? I have.

22. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Never.

23. Do you remember your music teacher's names? Mrs. Smith. Cannot remember any of the others.

24. How good is your eyesight? I need glasses for close reading and computer work, but I read a newspaper on the bus without them.

25. Have you ever gone to a party? I have.

26. Would you ever swim with the sharks? I cannot swim, so I would probably drown and the sharks would eat me. So, no.

27. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your bro? Good luck.

28. Have you ever been out of your country? U.S.A., France, Italy, North Africa, other places.

29. Have you seen your best friend naked? I have seen Lorraine sans clothes, but not recently.

30. What's the best wedding you've been to? My Boss at the Chemical Company. Loads of money spent. He hired an opera singer to perform at the Church and she was fantastic. Brilliant disco, brilliant food (his missus' son was a high class chef). Total class the whole day/night.

31. Would your parents be mad if you got suspended for fighting? My Mom, yes. My Dad would have asked me if I left them standing, and if I'd said yes, he would have been mad.

32. Where are your siblings right now? Sister 1, probably gone to bed. Sister 2, watching TV. Sister 3, probably with a man doing whatever she likes to do. Brother, on the computer talking to one of his ladies.

33. Do you have a Coach, Fendi or Louis Vuitton purse? Sadly I do not know what such items are, but I do have a mighty fine selection of Ben Sherman T-shirts.

34. What's the last dream you can remember? I was out with Lorraine's Brother in law, something happened and I lost all of my money. I blamed the cunt with a passion.

35. Who was the last person that called you? My Niece. See 1.

36. What time did you wake up this morning? 5:45.

37. What did you do this weekend? Read the blog. It's all there.

38. What does the 4th text message on your phone say? Text message? I've not turned the phone on in weeks. (Note that it is the phone and not my phone. We share it.)

39. No question 39. Name one famous person who died too young. Buddy Holly, for obvious reasons. He was just getting started. The history of popular music would have been very different, if he had lived.



40. When was the last time you were sick and where was it? A few weeks ago at Sister 1's. Vomiting, shitting (without going to the toilet), stomach cramps. Shall I go on? No. I still have no idea what caused it.

41. Who's the last celebrity you touched? I think that it may have been the actor David Warner who was signing autographs at a Memorabilia Fair at the NEC. He signed my copy of "Sympathy For The Devil", which was part of the "Unbound" series of alternate Doctor Who audio adventures. A different actor played The Doctor in each story and Mr. Warner was one of them. (Others included Geoffrey Bayldon, David Collings, Michael Jayston, Derek Jacobi and... gulp... Arabella Weir. It is very good series, by the way.) I shook Mr. Warner's hand. He was a very nice man.

42. What's in your back pocket? I am wearing joggers which do not have a back pocket.

43. When was the last time you smoked a cigg? I smoked until the early 80's and then stopped. Never regretted it.

44. Do you want to be pregnant right now? I wouldn't have thought so. It would probably ruin my Godlike physique.

45. Do you wear coloured contacts? No.

46. Another missing question. Name an unusual identifying physical characteristic which is yours and yours alone? All of the Pynchon men have the same rare fingerprint on the finger next to the little finger on both hands. It is called a plain whorl and looks it like this.



My Dad had it, I have it, so does my Brother and so does my nephew.

47. What were you doing at 4am this morning? Sleeping.

48. What do you usually do first in the morning? Turn the alarm off.

49. Do you know anybody in the Army? No.

50. What are you going to do after this? I may work on an alternate Beatles timeline on Other Timelines. Or I may go to bed.

Labels: Drinking, Mememe

This is a really great mememe. Courtesy of Mark, who got it from somewhere else.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool!

Opening Credits: "(Call Me) Number One" - The Tremeloes
Waking Up: "I Know But I Don't Know" - Blondie
First Day At School: "Track 08" - The Former Bullies
Falling In Love: "I Put A Spell On You" - Manfred Mann
Fight Song: "America" - The Nice
Prom: "I Can't Let Maggie Go" - Honeybus
Life: "Goin' Back" - The Byrds
Mental Breakdown: "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" - Bob Dylan
Driving: "What's Happening?!?!" - The Byrds
Flashback: "Resurrection Joe" - The Cult
Getting Back Together: "Frozen" - Madonna
Wedding: "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" - Rod Stewart
Birth of Child: "W*O*L*D" - Harry Chapin
Final Battle: "The One In The Middle" - Manfred Mann
Death Scene: "Eddie's Dreaming" - The Small Faces
Funeral Song: "Laser Love" - Marc Bolan & T-Rex
Remembrance Song: "Sweetness Follows" - R.E.M.
End Credits: "In The Flesh?" - Pink Floyd

And if I may, a slight addition.

Joke After The End Credits: "#9 Dream" - John Lennon

--------

I need to point out that it is not all misery and distress in Residence Chez Pynchon. Detente (definition: the easing of tensions or strained relations, especially between nations) is the order of the day. I am not winding Lorraine up and she is not winding me up.

I have been putting up with her rising at 5am, leaving the house at 6am, arriving at work at 6:30am (around the time I am waking up), working through her lunch, working late (she gets a lift home, so I piss off at 5:30pm on the dot and shout at the pigeons while I walk to the bus stop), being too tired to do any cooking or washing up so I do it, falling asleep in front of the TV and generally wearing herself out. I smiled when she told me that she would be working this Saturday. I gritted my teeth and smiled when she said that she would also be working Easter Saturday, truncating Good Friday and Easter Monday, so putting the mockers on myself arranging a day out in the smoke as her late Birthday present.

Yes. Relations have been just fine. There have been no arguments in days. That is good. I even had a hug this evening, or did Lorraine just trip into me? I think it was a hug. Yes, it was. It was followed by a chaste kiss on the cheek.

If I said nothing I truly believe that we could be together forever. A civilized couple, sharing a house, separate rooms, separate lives. Friends. Good friends. No rocking of the boat. Civilized.

The weekend cannot come quickly enough.

I don't want to be fucking civilized. I want blood red emotion and passion. What am I? An old man.

Fuck off.

I will be at the Sugababes gig at the NEC tomorrow night, so I will be back on Saturday or Sunday. I am really looking forward to the Sugababes gig. I fully expect to be the oldest person at the gig by about 25 years. It concerned me, briefly, when I purchased the ticket, but then I thought "bollocks to it". I like the Sugababes. I'm going to the gig to sing and dance to some pop music, not to grope pre-pubescent teenage girls.

Later people.

Labels: Mememe, Music

Firstly, a joke.

A woman, standing nude, looking into the bedroom mirror, says to her husband,

"I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight is fucking perfect".

Secondly, an interesting little mememe. All of the answers need to be exactly 3 words long. It's a lot more difficult than you might think. (Stolen from Lithaborn Central.)

1. Where is your cell phone? With my lady.
2. Boyfriend/girlfriend? I hope so.
3. Hair? Going thin fast.
4. Your mother? Determined old lady.
5. Your father? Had a laugh.
6. Your favorite item(s)? I don't know.
7. Your dream last night? I don't remember.
8. Your favorite drink? Tea, juice, water.
9. Your dream guy/girl? In my dreams.
10. The room you are in? The back room.
11. Your biggest fear? Losing all hope.
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? Successful and happy.
13. Who did you hang out with last night? The TV set.
14. What are you not? Smart or handsome.
15. Are you in love? Yes, very much.
16. One of your wish list items? Riches beyond belief.
17. What time is it? "It's Chico Time!"
18. The last thing you did? Read some email.
19. What are you wearing? Joggers, sweatshirt, trainers.
20. Your favorite book? "Replay", Ken Grimwood.
21. The last thing you ate? Crisps. Too many.
22. Your life? Not so good.
23. Your mood? OK, I suppose.
24. Your friends? What friends, dude?
25. What are you thinking about right now? Going to bed.
26. Your car? I don't drive.
27. What are you doing at this moment? Rubbing my eyes.
28. Your summer? Probably be hot.
29. Your relationship status? Drifting apart slowly?
30. What is on your TV screen? The TV's off.
31. When is the last time you laughed? One hour ago.
32. Last time you cried? Last Saturday evening.
33. School? Never go back.

And lastly, a bit of news about Lorraine.

Lorraine phoned last night. Her plans are in disarray because her recurring Uveitus has... Er... Reoccurred. There is a pretty good medical definition here, if anybody is at all interested, but suffice to say, one of her eyes has severe light sensitivity, has turned as blood red as the eye of Dracula after feasting on the blood of a buxom wench, and is causing her some discomfort. Lorraine has seen a Doctor, but needs to go back to the Birmingham Eye Hospital on Monday to get some proper treatment.

I'm not going to make myself out as some kind of know-it-all-hero, but I need to say at this juncture that I am pretty annoyed.

Lorraine has had this condition, on and off (mostly off) for over 7 years. The worst time she had of it was when it first started, circa 2000. She was off work for 4 weeks, had blurred vision, wore dark glasses (like a rock star) and/or an eye patch (like a pirate) constantly, could not stand to have any lights on in the house and could not watch TV or bear to look at a computer screen at all. She had treatment (an injection into the eyeball was part of it - eeek!) and eventually it cleared up.

The condition has come back periodically. Maybe 3 more times in 7 years. It's never been as bad as that first time because, at the first sign of any problem, she would go to the Birmingham Eye Hospital, they would do their voodoo and after a day or two she would be fine.

Midweek, last week, she started getting some discomfort in her eye. She said that her vision was blurred and it was "itching". I told her to go the Eye Hospital. She said it was probably nothing. On Friday she had a bloodshot eye. I told her to go to the Eye Hospital. She said she couldn't because she wasn't going to interrupt her holiday and had a train to catch early on Saturday morning. I said that the train could wait and that she could travel on the Sunday instead. She said to stop telling her what to do and that she would be OK.

She wasn't OK.

If I didn't love her I would give her a kick up the arse. What's that phrase I'm going to use when she comes back on Saturday? Ah, I remember it.

I told you so.

Maybe not. I will be nice.

Labels: Humour, Illness, Mememe

I cannot believe it's Thursday. Somehow I've lost two days.

I've been tagged by Dougzar.

3 Things That Scare Me:
The thought of choking to death.
Losing any member of my family.
Losing hope.

3 People Who Make Me Laugh:
Mr. Stan Laurel.
Mr. Oliver Hardy.
My Brother.

3 Things I Love:
Movies (No shit!)
Lorraine.
My Family.

3 Things I Hate:
My job.
Not having enough money.
Being rejected sexually by Lorraine

3 Things I Don't Understand:
DIY.
Mechanical things.
Women.

3 Things On My Desk:
A Filofax.
A modem.
An old lottery ticket.

3 Things I'm Doing Right Now:
Looking at the computer screen.
Thinking.
Typing.

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
Fuck knows. I cannot think of a single thing that I want to do this weekend, never mind before I die.

3 Things I Can Do:
Touch type.
Read.
Write.

3 Things I Can't Do:
Fly a plane.
Build a nuclear weapon.
Sing like Otis Redding.

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To:
"Come Undone" by Robbie Williams. (I think this is one of Robbie's greatest tracks. I fight the urge to indulge in destructive behaviour and I understand this song completely. I was sorry to hear about Robbie's recent problems. I think he is a great singer and a great entertainer. I hope he comes back with a killer record, wows America and becomes a global superstar. Honestly I do.)
"74-75" by the Connells. (This was #1 on my earworms list for Swiss Toni. I'm still listening to it and it still gives me shivers.)
"Pleasant Valley Sunday" by the Monkees. (In times of trouble I always retreat to the songs I loved when I was a little boy, and when I was a little boy I really loved the Monkees. Still do. This is a great single. One of their best singles)

3 Things You Should Never Listen To:
Arseholes.
Idiots.
Naysayers.

3 Things I'd Like To Learn:
To drive. (Actually I can drive, but I have never actually passed the test.)
To play the bass guitar.
How to use my computer to it's full advantage.

3 Favourite Foods:
Chips.
Curry.
Pasta.

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid:
"Doctor Who"
"Timeslip"
"The Twilight Zone"

3 Bloggers I’ve tagged:
One from each country, methinks.
Stef.
Katy.
Ginny.

This week I turned down the chance to work in America for a couple of months. Denver, to be exact. I also managed to twist it so that Lorraine and her boss were clear that it was the most offensive offer ever made to me.

Remind me. What did I say about fighting the urge to indulge in destructive behaviour?

I'll tell you about it sometime, but not now.

I think that Lorraine and I are pretty much finished.

Labels: Mememe