Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...?"
******
A Blonde goes into a computer shop and says, "Hi! I need curtains for my PC."
The assistant says, "But you don't need curtains for a computer!"
The Blonde says, "Like hellooo... I've got windows!"
******
Yes. Absolutely nothing of interest happened today.
I have two reviews to write, but I cannot be arsed.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...?"
******
A Blonde goes into a computer shop and says, "Hi! I need curtains for my PC."
The assistant says, "But you don't need curtains for a computer!"
The Blonde says, "Like hellooo... I've got windows!"
******
Yes. Absolutely nothing of interest happened today.
I have two reviews to write, but I cannot be arsed.
Labels: Humour
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A primary school teacher secures a job at a school on Merseyside.
On her first day, hoping to make a good impression, she announces that she is a Liverpool supporter.
"How many of you are Liverpool fans?" she asks.
All of the children raise their hands, with the exception of one little girl called Mary.
"I suppose you are an Everton fan, Mary", says teacher.
"No Miss", says Mary. "I support Manchester United."
"Why on earth do you support them?"
"Well Miss, my Mom and Dad are both from Manchester, and they are very keen United fans, so I am too."
"You know, Mary, you don't always have to copy what your parents do. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug dealer, then what would you be?"
"A Liverpool supporter, Miss", said Mary.
(Sent to me by a Liverpool Football Club supporter. Take any complaints up with him. I love Scousers. The Beatles were Scousers!)
********
"Dan In Real Life".
Steve Carell plays Dan Burns, newspaper agony uncle and dedicated single father to three girls. At a large family homecoming Dan meets his perfect woman, only to find out that she is in a relationship with his brother.
What's a man to do?
I rather liked "Dan In Real Life", but I would imagine the success or otherwise of this flick is going to be down to whether you are willing to accept Steve Carell playing a part relatively straight and restrained, rather than going through the broad comedy moves that have made him so successful. If you cannot accept it, fear not, "Get Smart" will be along later in the year, but for the record I thought he was very good.
"Dan In Real Life" starts off like your typical, incidentally amusing, family drama, but it gets funnier and funnier as it goes along and Carell's frustration with his situation grows. It's not massively original (but if you only saw movies with original ideas, cinematic pickings would be very scarce indeed, wouldn't they?), but "Dan In Real Life" is entertaining, and a good cast (who wouldn't fall in love at first sight with the luminous Juliette Binoche?) make the most of an insightful enough script that contains many a ponder on the meaning and passion of love.
I hope that Steve Carell pushes himself and does something as interesting again.
On her first day, hoping to make a good impression, she announces that she is a Liverpool supporter.
"How many of you are Liverpool fans?" she asks.
All of the children raise their hands, with the exception of one little girl called Mary.
"I suppose you are an Everton fan, Mary", says teacher.
"No Miss", says Mary. "I support Manchester United."
"Why on earth do you support them?"
"Well Miss, my Mom and Dad are both from Manchester, and they are very keen United fans, so I am too."
"You know, Mary, you don't always have to copy what your parents do. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug dealer, then what would you be?"
"A Liverpool supporter, Miss", said Mary.
(Sent to me by a Liverpool Football Club supporter. Take any complaints up with him. I love Scousers. The Beatles were Scousers!)
********
"Dan In Real Life".
Steve Carell plays Dan Burns, newspaper agony uncle and dedicated single father to three girls. At a large family homecoming Dan meets his perfect woman, only to find out that she is in a relationship with his brother.
What's a man to do?
I rather liked "Dan In Real Life", but I would imagine the success or otherwise of this flick is going to be down to whether you are willing to accept Steve Carell playing a part relatively straight and restrained, rather than going through the broad comedy moves that have made him so successful. If you cannot accept it, fear not, "Get Smart" will be along later in the year, but for the record I thought he was very good.
"Dan In Real Life" starts off like your typical, incidentally amusing, family drama, but it gets funnier and funnier as it goes along and Carell's frustration with his situation grows. It's not massively original (but if you only saw movies with original ideas, cinematic pickings would be very scarce indeed, wouldn't they?), but "Dan In Real Life" is entertaining, and a good cast (who wouldn't fall in love at first sight with the luminous Juliette Binoche?) make the most of an insightful enough script that contains many a ponder on the meaning and passion of love.
I hope that Steve Carell pushes himself and does something as interesting again.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Yesterday, I changed the world. Did you notice?
You didn't notice?!?
How rude. I wish I hadn't bothered. So disappointing...
Anyway, I have a joke.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant. A gorgeous redhead enters the restaurant alone and sits at the next table. The man considers engaging the redhead in conversation, but as he is a little bit shy, he decides against it.
Suddenly, the redhead sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. Instinctively he reaches, grabs the eye out of the air and coolly hands it back to the redhead.
"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says, mortified, as she pops the eye back into
place. "May I buy you dinner to make it up to you?"
The man and the redhead enjoy a wonderful dinner. Afterwards they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens carefully to everything he has to say. She smiles a lot.
After paying for everything, the redhead asks the man if he would like to come to her place for a night cap and, possibly, stay for breakfast. He says yes.
Of course, they have a wonderful time.
The next morning, the redhead cooks a gourmet meal with all of the trimmings. The man is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible and SO amazing!
"You know", says the man. "You really are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy that you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
(At this point in the proceedings Yer Pynchon would like to apologize to any one eyed ladies who might be reading. I am sure that you are all very lovely indeed.)
Re. New Year resolutions. I try not to get involved in such nonsense, but despite my better judgement, I did make a small resolution to myself on New Years Eve. That is, illness and holiday permitting, to try to post to the blog everyday. Hah! That resolution didn't last very long, did it? One post. Pathetic.
I do have an excuse. I was tired. For the first time whilst working at The Corporation I allowed myself to be put onto the early morning rota. Lorraine said that I would like enjoy the new experience.
So it was that I found myself staggering, shell shocked, from my bed at 4:50am, at the bus stop at 6:05am, at work at 6:40am and pretending to do some work at 7:00am. True, I was gone from the office by 3:30pm, and with a convenient lift home organised with somebody leaving the office at the same time as me, was in my house and drinking a nice cup of Kenya at 4:05pm. But by 8pm... Oh, dear, I did feel tired, which is why I got this post started nice and early.
No complaints, though. I only have to do this for a couple of days and my next set of early hours is months away. There are people who have to do these kind of hours all of the time and get home late. Respect to them. My Dad was a Dustman for more than 25 years and he used to go to get to the depot for 6am every day using public transport. I do not remember ever seeing him in the mornings, except at weekends. I have no idea how he managed without the sleep. He used to go out every night. To the pub. To the cinema with me. A force of nature. That was my Dad. Massive energy. Amazing man.
You didn't notice?!?
How rude. I wish I hadn't bothered. So disappointing...
Anyway, I have a joke.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant. A gorgeous redhead enters the restaurant alone and sits at the next table. The man considers engaging the redhead in conversation, but as he is a little bit shy, he decides against it.
Suddenly, the redhead sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. Instinctively he reaches, grabs the eye out of the air and coolly hands it back to the redhead.
"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says, mortified, as she pops the eye back into
place. "May I buy you dinner to make it up to you?"
The man and the redhead enjoy a wonderful dinner. Afterwards they go to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens carefully to everything he has to say. She smiles a lot.
After paying for everything, the redhead asks the man if he would like to come to her place for a night cap and, possibly, stay for breakfast. He says yes.
Of course, they have a wonderful time.
The next morning, the redhead cooks a gourmet meal with all of the trimmings. The man is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible and SO amazing!
"You know", says the man. "You really are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy that you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
(At this point in the proceedings Yer Pynchon would like to apologize to any one eyed ladies who might be reading. I am sure that you are all very lovely indeed.)
Re. New Year resolutions. I try not to get involved in such nonsense, but despite my better judgement, I did make a small resolution to myself on New Years Eve. That is, illness and holiday permitting, to try to post to the blog everyday. Hah! That resolution didn't last very long, did it? One post. Pathetic.
I do have an excuse. I was tired. For the first time whilst working at The Corporation I allowed myself to be put onto the early morning rota. Lorraine said that I would like enjoy the new experience.
So it was that I found myself staggering, shell shocked, from my bed at 4:50am, at the bus stop at 6:05am, at work at 6:40am and pretending to do some work at 7:00am. True, I was gone from the office by 3:30pm, and with a convenient lift home organised with somebody leaving the office at the same time as me, was in my house and drinking a nice cup of Kenya at 4:05pm. But by 8pm... Oh, dear, I did feel tired, which is why I got this post started nice and early.
No complaints, though. I only have to do this for a couple of days and my next set of early hours is months away. There are people who have to do these kind of hours all of the time and get home late. Respect to them. My Dad was a Dustman for more than 25 years and he used to go to get to the depot for 6am every day using public transport. I do not remember ever seeing him in the mornings, except at weekends. I have no idea how he managed without the sleep. He used to go out every night. To the pub. To the cinema with me. A force of nature. That was my Dad. Massive energy. Amazing man.
Labels: Humour, Knackered, New Year, The Corporation
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
As yer Pynchon manages to get over himself, he decides today to write about "The Golden Compass".
The fine writer Tom Stoppard apparently wrote an early screenplay adaptation of "Northern Lights" (the original title of the first novel in Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy). It was never used as it was rejected by the director Chris Weitz who wrote his own screenplay. One day I would very much like to read Tom Stoppard's screenplay, as I am sure that it must have been better than the near shambles of an adaptation that I witnessed last Sunday.
(Saying that, I have also read comments on the web from people who have compared Stoppard's version with Weitz's original, early draft of "The Golden Compass" and said that Weitz's version was better than Stoppard's and was also longer and more satisfying than the filmed version. If that is the case, why the hell wasn't Weitz's original screenplay used? Distrust that an audience could sit through a long fantasy film, maybe? Or was it just down to money? Anyway, onwards...)
The key to a good, literary cinematic adaptation is what to leave in, what to take out and what to amalgamate. On those terms Chris Weitz's "The Golden Compass" fails completely to get to grips with the literary source. (Check out "L. A. Confidential", if you want to see what I mean by a good cinematic adaptation. That film had 400 characters reduced to 40, and although the Ellroy's original ending was fudged, it was still a brilliant literary adaptation.)
"The Golden Compass" is way too cluttered, busy and disjointed and way, way too fast. It proceeds at a breakneck pace through nearly all of the plot of "Northern Lights" and is squeezed uncomfortably into a sub 2 hours running time. "The Golden Compass" should have been longer. I reckon another hour might have done it justice. (Put this note in your diary. This may be the first time yer Pynchon has ever suggested that a film is too short. Normally it is the opposite way around.)
... And the worst thing about "The Golden Compass"? The ending. Awful. Rubbish. Truncated. Hated it. It completely omitted the crucial, turnabout events of the last 3 chapters of "Northern Lights", and in the process, the true cliffhanger. I believe that the material was filmed. Some of the footage made it into at least one of the trailers I have seen.
"The Golden Compass" does look amazing. Good production design, mostly good special effects (some of the armoured bear CGI is ropey) and the realisation of the daemons is very well done. It also has a fair share of good performances, especially Dakota Blue Richards and Nicole Kidman. Daniel Craig as Lord Asriel is good, although he is not as good as Philip Pullman's choice of Jason Isaac might have been.
Disappointing then, but only for me. Lorraine said she liked it, but I think she said that just to piss me off.
********
In a recent survey 100 people were asked:
“Are there too many foreigners in Britain ?”
The results are as follows:
20%: Yes
10%: No
70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن.
The fine writer Tom Stoppard apparently wrote an early screenplay adaptation of "Northern Lights" (the original title of the first novel in Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy). It was never used as it was rejected by the director Chris Weitz who wrote his own screenplay. One day I would very much like to read Tom Stoppard's screenplay, as I am sure that it must have been better than the near shambles of an adaptation that I witnessed last Sunday.
(Saying that, I have also read comments on the web from people who have compared Stoppard's version with Weitz's original, early draft of "The Golden Compass" and said that Weitz's version was better than Stoppard's and was also longer and more satisfying than the filmed version. If that is the case, why the hell wasn't Weitz's original screenplay used? Distrust that an audience could sit through a long fantasy film, maybe? Or was it just down to money? Anyway, onwards...)
The key to a good, literary cinematic adaptation is what to leave in, what to take out and what to amalgamate. On those terms Chris Weitz's "The Golden Compass" fails completely to get to grips with the literary source. (Check out "L. A. Confidential", if you want to see what I mean by a good cinematic adaptation. That film had 400 characters reduced to 40, and although the Ellroy's original ending was fudged, it was still a brilliant literary adaptation.)
"The Golden Compass" is way too cluttered, busy and disjointed and way, way too fast. It proceeds at a breakneck pace through nearly all of the plot of "Northern Lights" and is squeezed uncomfortably into a sub 2 hours running time. "The Golden Compass" should have been longer. I reckon another hour might have done it justice. (Put this note in your diary. This may be the first time yer Pynchon has ever suggested that a film is too short. Normally it is the opposite way around.)
... And the worst thing about "The Golden Compass"? The ending. Awful. Rubbish. Truncated. Hated it. It completely omitted the crucial, turnabout events of the last 3 chapters of "Northern Lights", and in the process, the true cliffhanger. I believe that the material was filmed. Some of the footage made it into at least one of the trailers I have seen.
"The Golden Compass" does look amazing. Good production design, mostly good special effects (some of the armoured bear CGI is ropey) and the realisation of the daemons is very well done. It also has a fair share of good performances, especially Dakota Blue Richards and Nicole Kidman. Daniel Craig as Lord Asriel is good, although he is not as good as Philip Pullman's choice of Jason Isaac might have been.
Disappointing then, but only for me. Lorraine said she liked it, but I think she said that just to piss me off.
********
In a recent survey 100 people were asked:
“Are there too many foreigners in Britain ?”
The results are as follows:
20%: Yes
10%: No
70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Write, write, write. Just to fill the silence.
I have a joke.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary. All of the bodies have very big smiles on their faces.
The Coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "But, what of the third body?"
"Ah", says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?", inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
********
I felt a little dizzy on the bus on the way home from work, but other than that, today I was absolutely fine.
I have a joke.
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary. All of the bodies have very big smiles on their faces.
The Coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "But, what of the third body?"
"Ah", says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?", inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
********
I felt a little dizzy on the bus on the way home from work, but other than that, today I was absolutely fine.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Is it?
It is!
It's a laughter apocalypse!
Joke 1
A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the Bartender when he spied an old Red Indian sitting in the corner. The Red Indian was wearing tribal gear, had long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
"Who's he?", said the Scouser.
"That's the Memory Man", said the Bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember every fact about everything that ever happened. Go and try him out."
So, the Scouser goes over, and thinking that the Red Indian won't know anything about English football, asks him "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
"Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds".
"And the score?"
"2-1".
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John", was the Red Indian's reply.
The Scouser was knocked out by this and when he got back home he told everyone about the Memory Man.
A few years later the Scouser went back to the USA and tried to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Red Indian. The Scouser decided to greet the Red Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said, "How".
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box".
Joke 2
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Joke 3
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman. "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well, that beats us...." said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Joke 4
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one,she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"
Joke 5
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Joke 6
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market - a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, riding a moped, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side mirror."
Joke 7
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, finding a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the wardrobe. He then ties the girl to the bed. While doing so, he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Darling, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey........ I love you."
To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
********
And a mememe, courtesy of Graham.
What makes you laugh? Laurel and Hardy. Still genius.
What question do you most often ask yourself? How can I make things better for myself. (Note. I said myself and not us. Lorraine has often called me a selfish little shit. She's right, as well.)
If given a choice between your career or a career playing football for Norwich, which would you choose? How much do they pay at Norwich? It would depend on that.
Which people (historical or contemporary) would you like to invite to a dinner party and why? The Beatles. Harlan Ellison. Kate Winslet. If it got late, Kate could stay over. I would find space for her.
Can you remember reading any particular book as a child that had a profound influence on your view of life, the universe, etc? The first proper book I ever read by myself was "Monkey Planet" by Pierre Boulle, which was the inspiration for the movie "Planet Of The Apes". I was mad on books and science fiction after that.
If you could invent a sport that even you would have enjoyed taking part in, what would it be? No idea.
Which are your least favourite words and why? It would be a phrase. 'The fix didn't work'. Self explanatory.
If you were to appear in Star Wars would you like to be on the dark side of the force, the goody-goody Luke Skywalker side or would a whole new side have to be invented? I don't know. Honestly.
If you had a time machine, where and when would you go? Early 70's, Birmingham. I would visit my Dad.
What image or monument would you like to have marking your resting place? A giant hand with one finger extended.
What day in your life would you like to be able to replay on demand? A particular, very rude night with Lorraine.
What’s the most rock star thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. Doing "Jumping Jack Flash" on Karaoke, with full Jaggeresque mannerisms? Of course, I was out of my head at the time.
What was your favourite record when you were fourteen? I was 14 in... 1977. Oooh...How about "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA or "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.
What’s on your current playlist? ; I seem to have a lot of The Backstreet Boys in my head at the moment.
Who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met? George Lazenby was very cool. So was David Warner, Sylvester McCoy, Alex Cox and, strangely enough, Pat Roach. RIP.
When do you think you’ll know it’s time to retire? When I have the money to do so.
It is!
It's a laughter apocalypse!
Joke 1
A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the Bartender when he spied an old Red Indian sitting in the corner. The Red Indian was wearing tribal gear, had long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
"Who's he?", said the Scouser.
"That's the Memory Man", said the Bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember every fact about everything that ever happened. Go and try him out."
So, the Scouser goes over, and thinking that the Red Indian won't know anything about English football, asks him "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
"Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds".
"And the score?"
"2-1".
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John", was the Red Indian's reply.
The Scouser was knocked out by this and when he got back home he told everyone about the Memory Man.
A few years later the Scouser went back to the USA and tried to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Red Indian. The Scouser decided to greet the Red Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said, "How".
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box".
Joke 2
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Joke 3
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman. "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well, that beats us...." said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Joke 4
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one,she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"
Joke 5
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Joke 6
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market - a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, riding a moped, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side mirror."
Joke 7
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, finding a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the wardrobe. He then ties the girl to the bed. While doing so, he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Darling, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey........ I love you."
To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
********
And a mememe, courtesy of Graham.
What makes you laugh? Laurel and Hardy. Still genius.
What question do you most often ask yourself? How can I make things better for myself. (Note. I said myself and not us. Lorraine has often called me a selfish little shit. She's right, as well.)
If given a choice between your career or a career playing football for Norwich, which would you choose? How much do they pay at Norwich? It would depend on that.
Which people (historical or contemporary) would you like to invite to a dinner party and why? The Beatles. Harlan Ellison. Kate Winslet. If it got late, Kate could stay over. I would find space for her.
Can you remember reading any particular book as a child that had a profound influence on your view of life, the universe, etc? The first proper book I ever read by myself was "Monkey Planet" by Pierre Boulle, which was the inspiration for the movie "Planet Of The Apes". I was mad on books and science fiction after that.
If you could invent a sport that even you would have enjoyed taking part in, what would it be? No idea.
Which are your least favourite words and why? It would be a phrase. 'The fix didn't work'. Self explanatory.
If you were to appear in Star Wars would you like to be on the dark side of the force, the goody-goody Luke Skywalker side or would a whole new side have to be invented? I don't know. Honestly.
If you had a time machine, where and when would you go? Early 70's, Birmingham. I would visit my Dad.
What image or monument would you like to have marking your resting place? A giant hand with one finger extended.
What day in your life would you like to be able to replay on demand? A particular, very rude night with Lorraine.
What’s the most rock star thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. Doing "Jumping Jack Flash" on Karaoke, with full Jaggeresque mannerisms? Of course, I was out of my head at the time.
What was your favourite record when you were fourteen? I was 14 in... 1977. Oooh...How about "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA or "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.
What’s on your current playlist? ; I seem to have a lot of The Backstreet Boys in my head at the moment.
Who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met? George Lazenby was very cool. So was David Warner, Sylvester McCoy, Alex Cox and, strangely enough, Pat Roach. RIP.
When do you think you’ll know it’s time to retire? When I have the money to do so.
Labels: Humour
Monday, July 23, 2007
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly.
Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
Below are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
- Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
- Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
- Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
- Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife
spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money? - If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
- Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________ (If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
- Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
- Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
- Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
- If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
- Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
********
Yes. I do have a headache. Nearly the best I can do, I'm afraid.
Lorraine is home. She is well. She will be here until Wednesday afternoon and then she will be travelling back to the smoke again for the funeral. All being well she will be back on Thursday night.
I will write a little about "The Painted Veil" tomorrow.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Important words.
Things ain't so bad. Lorraine has decided that on Sunday that she would like to attend the cinema with me. Some film about a potter, or something...
Things ain't so bad. Lorraine has decided that on Sunday that she would like to attend the cinema with me. Some film about a potter, or something...
Labels: Humour, Lorraine, Movies
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I was reading this book today, "The History Of Glue", and I couldn't put it down.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate and he said, "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baa" and I went "Moo" and he said, "You're closest".
(Stop John!)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so small you couldn't swing a cat in there.
(Stop!)
I said to this man, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you invent Tippex?"
I phoned the local gym and I asked a guy if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays".
(Please stop!)
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today. It said on the packet, "Best Before End".
(Cease!)
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" and I said, "No, just a watch".
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said, "Kenwood?" and I said, "Where is he?"
(No!)
So I went in to a pet shop and I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" and I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".
(Boo!)
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
(Boo!)
I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels". He said, "You've got cholera".
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.
(Get off!)
My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me".
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana". He said, "No, this is for the custard".
(Off! Off! Off! Off!)
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me".
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
(Rubbish!)
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" and I said, "No, it's a permanent job".
I told my Mom that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" and I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything".
(NO!)
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought to myself, that's Aboriginal.
(NOOOOOOO!)
I bought a train ticket and the driver said, "Eurostar", and I said, "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Elvis".
.
.
.
.
.
May I offer my sincere apologies for what has just occurred.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate and he said, "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baa" and I went "Moo" and he said, "You're closest".
(Stop John!)
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so small you couldn't swing a cat in there.
(Stop!)
I said to this man, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you invent Tippex?"
I phoned the local gym and I asked a guy if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays".
(Please stop!)
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today. It said on the packet, "Best Before End".
(Cease!)
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" and I said, "No, just a watch".
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said, "Kenwood?" and I said, "Where is he?"
(No!)
So I went in to a pet shop and I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" and I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".
(Boo!)
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.
(Boo!)
I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels". He said, "You've got cholera".
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.
(Get off!)
My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me".
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana". He said, "No, this is for the custard".
(Off! Off! Off! Off!)
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me".
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
(Rubbish!)
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" and I said, "No, it's a permanent job".
I told my Mom that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" and I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything".
(NO!)
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought to myself, that's Aboriginal.
(NOOOOOOO!)
I bought a train ticket and the driver said, "Eurostar", and I said, "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Elvis".
.
.
.
.
.
May I offer my sincere apologies for what has just occurred.
Labels: Humour
Saturday, April 28, 2007
I had some things to say, but the moment has kind of passed. Probably it's because I am a bit tired. It's been a busy day.
Today I went to see a film called "Straightheads" and a play called "Hysteria". One of them was great and one of them was terrible. If I may (as if anybody cares) I will write about "Straightheads" and "Hysteria" tomorrow. If I do it now, it will be drivel.
I can manage a joke, though.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but bought him the beer.
When he had finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but bought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick! Get me another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top.
"You fucker! You waltz in her, flop on your fat ass, don't even bother to say hello to me and then expect me to run around the house like your fucking slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron for you all day long?!
The husband sighed sadly and said, "Oh dear. It's started."
Today I went to see a film called "Straightheads" and a play called "Hysteria". One of them was great and one of them was terrible. If I may (as if anybody cares) I will write about "Straightheads" and "Hysteria" tomorrow. If I do it now, it will be drivel.
I can manage a joke, though.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but bought him the beer.
When he had finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but bought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick! Get me another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top.
"You fucker! You waltz in her, flop on your fat ass, don't even bother to say hello to me and then expect me to run around the house like your fucking slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron for you all day long?!
The husband sighed sadly and said, "Oh dear. It's started."
Labels: Humour, Movies, Theatre
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Extracts from a Dog's Diary.
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the back garden! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Chewed bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Extracts from a Cat's Diary.
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the back garden! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Chewed bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Extracts from a Cat's Diary.
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Labels: Humour
Monday, March 26, 2007
There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
And made cider inside her inside.
Labels: Humour
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Firstly, a joke.
A woman, standing nude, looking into the bedroom mirror, says to her husband,
"I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight is fucking perfect".
Secondly, an interesting little mememe. All of the answers need to be exactly 3 words long. It's a lot more difficult than you might think. (Stolen from Lithaborn Central.)
- Where is your cell phone? With my lady.
- Boyfriend/girlfriend? I hope so.
- Hair? Going thin fast.
- Your mother? Determined old lady.
- Your father? Had a laugh.
- Your favorite item(s)? I don't know.
- Your dream last night? I don't remember.
- Your favorite drink? Tea, juice, water.
- Your dream guy/girl? In my dreams.
- The room you are in? The back room.
- Your biggest fear? Losing all hope.
- What do you want to be in 10 years? Successful and happy.
- Who did you hang out with last night? The TV set.
- What are you not? Smart or handsome.
- Are you in love? Yes, very much.
- One of your wish list items? Riches beyond belief.
- What time is it? "It's Chico Time!"
- The last thing you did? Read some email.
- What are you wearing? Joggers, sweatshirt, trainers.
- Your favorite book? "Replay", Ken Grimwood.
- The last thing you ate? Crisps. Too many.
- Your life? Not so good.
- Your mood? OK, I suppose.
- Your friends? What friends, dude?
- What are you thinking about right now? Going to bed.
- Your car? I don't drive.
- What are you doing at this moment? Rubbing my eyes.
- Your summer? Probably be hot.
- Your relationship status? Drifting apart slowly?
- What is on your TV screen? The TV's off.
- When is the last time you laughed? One hour ago.
- Last time you cried? Last Saturday evening.
- School? Never go back.
And lastly, a bit of news about Lorraine.
Lorraine phoned last night. Her plans are in disarray because her recurring Uveitus has... Er... Reoccurred. There is a pretty good medical definition here, if anybody is at all interested, but suffice to say, one of her eyes has severe light sensitivity, has turned as blood red as the eye of Dracula after feasting on the blood of a buxom wench, and is causing her some discomfort. Lorraine has seen a Doctor, but needs to go back to the Birmingham Eye Hospital on Monday to get some proper treatment.
I'm not going to make myself out as some kind of know-it-all-hero, but I need to say at this juncture that I am pretty annoyed.
Lorraine has had this condition, on and off (mostly off) for over 7 years. The worst time she had of it was when it first started, circa 2000. She was off work for 4 weeks, had blurred vision, wore dark glasses (like a rock star) and/or an eye patch (like a pirate) constantly, could not stand to have any lights on in the house and could not watch TV or bear to look at a computer screen at all. She had treatment (an injection into the eyeball was part of it - eeek!) and eventually it cleared up.
The condition has come back periodically. Maybe 3 more times in 7 years. It's never been as bad as that first time because, at the first sign of any problem, she would go to the Birmingham Eye Hospital, they would do their voodoo and after a day or two she would be fine.
Midweek, last week, she started getting some discomfort in her eye. She said that her vision was blurred and it was "itching". I told her to go the Eye Hospital. She said it was probably nothing. On Friday she had a bloodshot eye. I told her to go to the Eye Hospital. She said she couldn't because she wasn't going to interrupt her holiday and had a train to catch early on Saturday morning. I said that the train could wait and that she could travel on the Sunday instead. She said to stop telling her what to do and that she would be OK.
She wasn't OK.
If I didn't love her I would give her a kick up the arse. What's that phrase I'm going to use when she comes back on Saturday? Ah, I remember it.
I told you so.
Maybe not. I will be nice.
Labels: Humour, Illness, Mememe
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Lorraine has arrived safely. She called this evening in the middle of the "Scrubs" double bill, just to annoy me. We had a chat.
She asked if I had eaten properly. I had. She asked me if the house was OK. I said that it was. She asked me if work was OK. Work was fine, except that another member of the team, who has always believed that he should have been given Lorraine's job, decided that in Lorraine's absence that he was in charge and... Ha! Ha! Ha!... decided to try to tell me what to do. Oh, how I laughed while I ripped him apart in front of everybody, because I was not in the mood to put up with such bullshit. Unprofessional of me, and thinking about it probably a bad move, but do you know what? Fuck him.
Lorraine confirmed when she was coming home. I told her I loved her. Lorraine didn't reply, probably because her Brother was in the room with her and Lorraine is not the kind of woman to display any affection to me in public.
... And that was that and it was fine.
So, just to prove that all is not misery and distress in my life (because I refuse to go anywhere near that particular fucking mindset at the moment), some New Words for 2007. Read and enjoy.
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to getscrewed and die.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
She asked if I had eaten properly. I had. She asked me if the house was OK. I said that it was. She asked me if work was OK. Work was fine, except that another member of the team, who has always believed that he should have been given Lorraine's job, decided that in Lorraine's absence that he was in charge and... Ha! Ha! Ha!... decided to try to tell me what to do. Oh, how I laughed while I ripped him apart in front of everybody, because I was not in the mood to put up with such bullshit. Unprofessional of me, and thinking about it probably a bad move, but do you know what? Fuck him.
Lorraine confirmed when she was coming home. I told her I loved her. Lorraine didn't reply, probably because her Brother was in the room with her and Lorraine is not the kind of woman to display any affection to me in public.
... And that was that and it was fine.
So, just to prove that all is not misery and distress in my life (because I refuse to go anywhere near that particular fucking mindset at the moment), some New Words for 2007. Read and enjoy.
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to getscrewed and die.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
Labels: Humour, Lorraine, Television, Work
