Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Is it?
It is!
It's a laughter apocalypse!
Joke 1
A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the Bartender when he spied an old Red Indian sitting in the corner. The Red Indian was wearing tribal gear, had long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
"Who's he?", said the Scouser.
"That's the Memory Man", said the Bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember every fact about everything that ever happened. Go and try him out."
So, the Scouser goes over, and thinking that the Red Indian won't know anything about English football, asks him "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
"Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds".
"And the score?"
"2-1".
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John", was the Red Indian's reply.
The Scouser was knocked out by this and when he got back home he told everyone about the Memory Man.
A few years later the Scouser went back to the USA and tried to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Red Indian. The Scouser decided to greet the Red Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said, "How".
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box".
Joke 2
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Joke 3
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman. "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well, that beats us...." said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Joke 4
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one,she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"
Joke 5
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Joke 6
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market - a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, riding a moped, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side mirror."
Joke 7
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, finding a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the wardrobe. He then ties the girl to the bed. While doing so, he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Darling, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey........ I love you."
To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
********
And a mememe, courtesy of Graham.
What makes you laugh? Laurel and Hardy. Still genius.
What question do you most often ask yourself? How can I make things better for myself. (Note. I said myself and not us. Lorraine has often called me a selfish little shit. She's right, as well.)
If given a choice between your career or a career playing football for Norwich, which would you choose? How much do they pay at Norwich? It would depend on that.
Which people (historical or contemporary) would you like to invite to a dinner party and why? The Beatles. Harlan Ellison. Kate Winslet. If it got late, Kate could stay over. I would find space for her.
Can you remember reading any particular book as a child that had a profound influence on your view of life, the universe, etc? The first proper book I ever read by myself was "Monkey Planet" by Pierre Boulle, which was the inspiration for the movie "Planet Of The Apes". I was mad on books and science fiction after that.
If you could invent a sport that even you would have enjoyed taking part in, what would it be? No idea.
Which are your least favourite words and why? It would be a phrase. 'The fix didn't work'. Self explanatory.
If you were to appear in Star Wars would you like to be on the dark side of the force, the goody-goody Luke Skywalker side or would a whole new side have to be invented? I don't know. Honestly.
If you had a time machine, where and when would you go? Early 70's, Birmingham. I would visit my Dad.
What image or monument would you like to have marking your resting place? A giant hand with one finger extended.
What day in your life would you like to be able to replay on demand? A particular, very rude night with Lorraine.
What’s the most rock star thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. Doing "Jumping Jack Flash" on Karaoke, with full Jaggeresque mannerisms? Of course, I was out of my head at the time.
What was your favourite record when you were fourteen? I was 14 in... 1977. Oooh...How about "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA or "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.
What’s on your current playlist? ; I seem to have a lot of The Backstreet Boys in my head at the moment.
Who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met? George Lazenby was very cool. So was David Warner, Sylvester McCoy, Alex Cox and, strangely enough, Pat Roach. RIP.
When do you think you’ll know it’s time to retire? When I have the money to do so.
It is!
It's a laughter apocalypse!
Joke 1
A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the Bartender when he spied an old Red Indian sitting in the corner. The Red Indian was wearing tribal gear, had long white plaits and a wrinkled face.
"Who's he?", said the Scouser.
"That's the Memory Man", said the Bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember every fact about everything that ever happened. Go and try him out."
So, the Scouser goes over, and thinking that the Red Indian won't know anything about English football, asks him "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"
"Liverpool", replies the Memory Man.
"Who did they beat?"
"Leeds".
"And the score?"
"2-1".
"Who scored the winning goal?"
"Ian St. John", was the Red Indian's reply.
The Scouser was knocked out by this and when he got back home he told everyone about the Memory Man.
A few years later the Scouser went back to the USA and tried to find the Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar, and sitting in the same seat was the old Red Indian. The Scouser decided to greet the Red Indian in his native tongue. He approached him and said, "How".
The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box".
Joke 2
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
Joke 3
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals; so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman. "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well, that beats us...." said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Joke 4
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Glasgow with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?".
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the Younger one,she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe anyone would want to shag you twice!"
Joke 5
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible. I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Joke 6
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market - a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man, looking about 100 years old, riding a moped, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side mirror."
Joke 7
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, finding a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the wardrobe. He then ties the girl to the bed. While doing so, he kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a long time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. Darling, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you do. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey........ I love you."
To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
********
And a mememe, courtesy of Graham.
What makes you laugh? Laurel and Hardy. Still genius.
What question do you most often ask yourself? How can I make things better for myself. (Note. I said myself and not us. Lorraine has often called me a selfish little shit. She's right, as well.)
If given a choice between your career or a career playing football for Norwich, which would you choose? How much do they pay at Norwich? It would depend on that.
Which people (historical or contemporary) would you like to invite to a dinner party and why? The Beatles. Harlan Ellison. Kate Winslet. If it got late, Kate could stay over. I would find space for her.
Can you remember reading any particular book as a child that had a profound influence on your view of life, the universe, etc? The first proper book I ever read by myself was "Monkey Planet" by Pierre Boulle, which was the inspiration for the movie "Planet Of The Apes". I was mad on books and science fiction after that.
If you could invent a sport that even you would have enjoyed taking part in, what would it be? No idea.
Which are your least favourite words and why? It would be a phrase. 'The fix didn't work'. Self explanatory.
If you were to appear in Star Wars would you like to be on the dark side of the force, the goody-goody Luke Skywalker side or would a whole new side have to be invented? I don't know. Honestly.
If you had a time machine, where and when would you go? Early 70's, Birmingham. I would visit my Dad.
What image or monument would you like to have marking your resting place? A giant hand with one finger extended.
What day in your life would you like to be able to replay on demand? A particular, very rude night with Lorraine.
What’s the most rock star thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. Doing "Jumping Jack Flash" on Karaoke, with full Jaggeresque mannerisms? Of course, I was out of my head at the time.
What was your favourite record when you were fourteen? I was 14 in... 1977. Oooh...How about "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA or "Pretty Vacant" by the Sex Pistols.
What’s on your current playlist? ; I seem to have a lot of The Backstreet Boys in my head at the moment.
Who’s the coolest person you’ve ever met? George Lazenby was very cool. So was David Warner, Sylvester McCoy, Alex Cox and, strangely enough, Pat Roach. RIP.
When do you think you’ll know it’s time to retire? When I have the money to do so.
Labels: Humour
# posted by Pynchon @ 9:14 pm 
