Pynchon

I was reading this book today, "The History Of Glue", and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate and he said, "Nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baa" and I went "Moo" and he said, "You're closest".

(Stop John!)

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so small you couldn't swing a cat in there.

(Stop!)

I said to this man, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you invent Tippex?"

I phoned the local gym and I asked a guy if they could teach me how to do the splits. The guy said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays".

(Please stop!)

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today. It said on the packet, "Best Before End".

(Cease!)

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" and I said, "No, just a watch".

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said, "Kenwood?" and I said, "Where is he?"

(No!)

So I went in to a pet shop and I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" and I said, "I don't care what star sign it is".

(Boo!)

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.

(Boo!)

I went to the doctor. I said to him, "I'm frightened of lapels". He said, "You've got cholera".

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name. It's P something T something R.

(Get off!)

My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me".

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana". He said, "No, this is for the custard".

(Off! Off! Off! Off!)

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me".

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

(Rubbish!)

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" and I said, "No, it's a permanent job".

I told my Mom that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" and I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything".

(NO!)

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought to myself, that's Aboriginal.

(NOOOOOOO!)

I bought a train ticket and the driver said, "Eurostar", and I said, "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Elvis".
.
.
.
.
.

May I offer my sincere apologies for what has just occurred.

Labels: Humour