Pynchon

Not a new thought this, by any means, but do you ever get the feeling that your life is not your own?

For instance, take Thursday evening. I wanted to write. I was actually on my way up the stairs to the computer when Lorraine uttered the dread phrase

"Can you help me buy something on the Internet?"

and all my plans went out of the window. Lorraine is much smarter than me, and she knows full well that I cannot resist the urge to show off my massive knowledge of the in's and out's of Internet shopping. So, needless to say, I ended up stuck on her laptop for TWO FUCKING HOURS while she searched for books and cakes, changed her mind, changed her mind again, got her card details wrong, got her card details right and eventually finished the order. The only thing that stopped me from throttling her (I actually had my hands around her throat) was the fact that "Californication" was starting on Channel 5 and I am an addict for my weekly fix of David Duchovny and co behaving badly. (I love "Californication". This is opposed to Lorraine who just loves David Duchovny. She has referred to him as "too beautiful to live" on more than one occasion.) Then it was too late to do anything as I needed my beauty sleep.

Friday evening, Lorraine wanted us to watch "Die Hard" on DVD, from the box set of "Die Hard" films we bought recently. Now I have seen "Die Hard" about a million times (it is one of my favourite action films of all time), and I probably would have declined, if her exact words had not been

"Wouldn't it be nice for us to watch a film together, like we used to?"

which I couldn't disagree with. So, the evening, again, was lost, but at least we would be doing something together. (I could think of other things we could do together, but that is still off limits for the moment and I am not going to go into that again.)

We finished eating and I stuck the film on. About an hour in (agents Johnson and Johnson of the FBI had just arrived) I became aware of a horrible, groaning noise. I looked around. It was coming from Lorraine's chair.

The bitch was asleep and snoring.

I threw my cup of tea at her. I gently patted her on the shoulder. She woke up, said she was tired, apologised, farted and went to bed.

Too late to do bugger all, I also went to bed.

Saturday evening. Similar to Thursday evening. The eye plucking torture of Lorraine Internet Shopping, this time for chocolate advent calenders. Too big? Too small? Iced? Not iced? Christmas delivery date? Non Christmas delivery date?

I hung a noose from the ceiling and stuck my head through it. I was standing on the chair and ready to jump when I realised that "The X-Factor" was about to start, so I watched that instead. (Is it me, or are Hope absolutely rubbish? True, they are all pretty girls, except for the one who looks like a rugby player in drag, and I suppose that counts for a lot. I am sure they will be gone next week. Then again, I have been saying that for at least 3 weeks.)

Today we went to the Festive Gift Fair at the NEC. A couple of weeks ago we agreed that this year we would give it a miss. Same old, same old. Nothing new. Too hot, too many people, too much pushing and shoving. Too much spending money on shite.

A week or two ago Ian, Lorraine's step dad, rang her up.

"Are you going to the Festive Gift Fair this year? Penny (Ian's wife) would like to go, but only if you and John are going."

"Of course we're going!", said Lorraine. "We'll see you there." The voice of the Asp that bit Cleopatra on the ass.

The Festive Gift Fair. Same old, same old. Nothing new. Too hot, too many people, too much pushing and shoving. Too much spending money on shite. (Actually, this year I hardly spent any money at all. I purchased a massive two items. A 3 bottle set of Spyder Ginger Beer - cracking drink, you should try it - and a bacon sandwich, and that only because I was hungry. Lorraine bought a wooden advent calender, a fancy nail care set, toys, books, a steam cleaner - although I think Lorraine already has a steam cleaner that has never actually made it out of the box - and other stuff that is so boring it has already been wiped from my memory.)

I could have stayed at home. I could have gone to the cinema! But I figure that doing something with Lorraine is better than doing nothing with her, even if it is taking up lots of time. Maybe that is what a relationship is all about? Ain't I just a saint?

I have a lot of things to catch up on, blog wise. Films, music, events. I will do so this week.

It's good to be back. Boring? Yes?

Labels: Busy