Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Dentist! I forgot to put the Dentist on the list.
So that is where I will start.
Going to the Dentist holds no fears for me. I look after my teeth. Other than the twice yearly check up and scale and polish, I have not had to have any treatment whatsoever in nearly 25 years. I'm proud of that fact, but it hasn't always been this way.
Prior to the age of 12 or so, with regard to oral hygiene, I was a lazy little shit. I hated cleaning my teeth and drove my Mom and Dad to distraction. I was always at the Dentist and rapidly going the way of my Mom and Dad. My Dad had lost all of his teeth at a very early age to some kind of gum disease, although his false teeth were Donny Osmond gleaming white and kind of shark like. My Mom had lost her top row, she says to something called quinsy, when she was 16 years old. Bitter experience. They didn't want me to be like them, but of course, I ignored them.
And then David Chance happened.
Fat kid in my class. Blonde hair. Loud, gobshite, opinionated fucker. (Pot calling the kettle black, anyone?) Cunt. I hated him.
P.E. lesson. The lads were playing football and then, in front of everybody, David Chance said to me, "Urgh. You've got brown teeth."
Of course I had to punch him in the face, self respect and all that, but he was right. I went home that night, cleaned my teeth thoroughly and have rarely missed a day since.
My teeth colour is not the best in the world, but I can live with that. My own fault. I didn't wake up to my problem early enough. My Dentist said that if it started to bother me he could recommend some good whitening treatment. It's not going to happen. I'm not that bothered.
So, the Dentist. In I go. Nice Mr. Sandhal shakes my hand. Take a pew. Any problems? No. Good. Open wide. Hmm. Hmm. No problems that I can see. They just need a scale and polish. That OK? Sure. He starts. I check out the dead flies in the light fitting. Exactly the same dead flies as last time. All done. Out I go.
Clean your teeth, kids, and you can be a sex symbol like me.
********
On Saturday lunchtime I went to see "Captivity".
Oh, Elisha, Elisha, Elisha...
Those eyebrows, that hair, those lips, those legs, those tits... Indeed you are an angel, fallen from heaven itself, but I do wonder sometimes if you will ever manage to spin the cult stardom you obtained in "24" into anything remotely resembling a decent cinema career.
You failed to get the parts of Lois Lane in "Superman Returns" (no great loss frankly as it was boring beyond belief), Mary Jane Watson in "Spider-Man" (I didn't like it, but a lot of people did) and it's sequels, and Sue Storm in "Fantastic Four" (which was fun and I liked it) and it's sequel.
"House Of Wax" was so-so and derivative. "The Girl Next Door" again was derivative, but you were sexy and perfectly cast. The bits in "Love Actually" and "Old School" were nothing but cameos. Everything else you've done is probably unlikely to darken any cinema in the UK anytime soon.
"Captivity" ain't gonna change a thing for you because it is, considering the talent involved, utter and complete rubbish.
I admit it. I like a bit of torture porn now and again. (Am I a deviant for admitting that? Perhaps if I said I liked horror films now and again, would that be a little more palatable?) I liked the "Saw" films a lot. Full of ingenuity, imagination and dark humour. True, I thought "Hostel" was a bit empty and in essence not very good, but "Captivity" makes it look like a work of genius. (By the way I will be seeing "Hostel 2" at the weekend. I will not comment on a film if I have never seen it.)
"Captivity" is a bad film. A bad "Saw" ripoff. As bad a film as you could hope (or not hope?) to see in a cinema this year. It is dull, unimaginative, slow and goes nowhere. It has a twist, but not a very interesting one. You can probably guess what it is and you will probably be right.
Director Roland Joffé should know better. He directed "The Killing Fields", "The Mission" and "City Of Joy". Writer Larry Cohen knows his way around an exploitation story. Amongst many others he wrote "Best Seller", "Q", "Phone Booth" and "I, The Jury".
What on earth were they thinking? Disappointing.
********
Bargain buy of the weekend. The Alfred Hitchcock DVD box set. 14 films, not including a documentary. It was retailing for 90 quid at HMV, but I got it for... 25 quid. Not lesser known films, either. Just take a look.
"The Birds"
"Family Plot"
"Frenzy"
"The Man Who Knew Too Much"
"Marnie"
"Rear Window"
"Saboteur"
"Shadow Of A Doubt"
"Topaz"
"Torn Curtain"
"The Trouble With Harry"
"Rope"
"Vertigo"
"Psycho"
True, there is no "Strangers On A Train" or "North By Northwest" or "To Catch A Thief" or "Rebecca" to make it the perfect Hitchcock collection, but it is a minor gripe. Bloody amazing value.
********
More tomorrow.
So that is where I will start.
Going to the Dentist holds no fears for me. I look after my teeth. Other than the twice yearly check up and scale and polish, I have not had to have any treatment whatsoever in nearly 25 years. I'm proud of that fact, but it hasn't always been this way.
Prior to the age of 12 or so, with regard to oral hygiene, I was a lazy little shit. I hated cleaning my teeth and drove my Mom and Dad to distraction. I was always at the Dentist and rapidly going the way of my Mom and Dad. My Dad had lost all of his teeth at a very early age to some kind of gum disease, although his false teeth were Donny Osmond gleaming white and kind of shark like. My Mom had lost her top row, she says to something called quinsy, when she was 16 years old. Bitter experience. They didn't want me to be like them, but of course, I ignored them.
And then David Chance happened.
Fat kid in my class. Blonde hair. Loud, gobshite, opinionated fucker. (Pot calling the kettle black, anyone?) Cunt. I hated him.
P.E. lesson. The lads were playing football and then, in front of everybody, David Chance said to me, "Urgh. You've got brown teeth."
Of course I had to punch him in the face, self respect and all that, but he was right. I went home that night, cleaned my teeth thoroughly and have rarely missed a day since.
My teeth colour is not the best in the world, but I can live with that. My own fault. I didn't wake up to my problem early enough. My Dentist said that if it started to bother me he could recommend some good whitening treatment. It's not going to happen. I'm not that bothered.
So, the Dentist. In I go. Nice Mr. Sandhal shakes my hand. Take a pew. Any problems? No. Good. Open wide. Hmm. Hmm. No problems that I can see. They just need a scale and polish. That OK? Sure. He starts. I check out the dead flies in the light fitting. Exactly the same dead flies as last time. All done. Out I go.
Clean your teeth, kids, and you can be a sex symbol like me.
********
On Saturday lunchtime I went to see "Captivity".
Oh, Elisha, Elisha, Elisha...
Those eyebrows, that hair, those lips, those legs, those tits... Indeed you are an angel, fallen from heaven itself, but I do wonder sometimes if you will ever manage to spin the cult stardom you obtained in "24" into anything remotely resembling a decent cinema career.
You failed to get the parts of Lois Lane in "Superman Returns" (no great loss frankly as it was boring beyond belief), Mary Jane Watson in "Spider-Man" (I didn't like it, but a lot of people did) and it's sequels, and Sue Storm in "Fantastic Four" (which was fun and I liked it) and it's sequel.
"House Of Wax" was so-so and derivative. "The Girl Next Door" again was derivative, but you were sexy and perfectly cast. The bits in "Love Actually" and "Old School" were nothing but cameos. Everything else you've done is probably unlikely to darken any cinema in the UK anytime soon.
"Captivity" ain't gonna change a thing for you because it is, considering the talent involved, utter and complete rubbish.
I admit it. I like a bit of torture porn now and again. (Am I a deviant for admitting that? Perhaps if I said I liked horror films now and again, would that be a little more palatable?) I liked the "Saw" films a lot. Full of ingenuity, imagination and dark humour. True, I thought "Hostel" was a bit empty and in essence not very good, but "Captivity" makes it look like a work of genius. (By the way I will be seeing "Hostel 2" at the weekend. I will not comment on a film if I have never seen it.)
"Captivity" is a bad film. A bad "Saw" ripoff. As bad a film as you could hope (or not hope?) to see in a cinema this year. It is dull, unimaginative, slow and goes nowhere. It has a twist, but not a very interesting one. You can probably guess what it is and you will probably be right.
Director Roland Joffé should know better. He directed "The Killing Fields", "The Mission" and "City Of Joy". Writer Larry Cohen knows his way around an exploitation story. Amongst many others he wrote "Best Seller", "Q", "Phone Booth" and "I, The Jury".
What on earth were they thinking? Disappointing.
********
Bargain buy of the weekend. The Alfred Hitchcock DVD box set. 14 films, not including a documentary. It was retailing for 90 quid at HMV, but I got it for... 25 quid. Not lesser known films, either. Just take a look.
"The Birds"
"Family Plot"
"Frenzy"
"The Man Who Knew Too Much"
"Marnie"
"Rear Window"
"Saboteur"
"Shadow Of A Doubt"
"Topaz"
"Torn Curtain"
"The Trouble With Harry"
"Rope"
"Vertigo"
"Psycho"
True, there is no "Strangers On A Train" or "North By Northwest" or "To Catch A Thief" or "Rebecca" to make it the perfect Hitchcock collection, but it is a minor gripe. Bloody amazing value.
********
More tomorrow.
# posted by Pynchon @ 9:32 pm 
