Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Yesterday, on a cold and miserable morning in Birmingham, Bill Smug (M.D. of The Company) called a meeting of all employees. The meeting was held in the big room outside of the canteen, where the gnomes of Web Support live. After a bit of faffing about it was announced to the expectant throng that The Company were going to merge with The Corporation.
There was a presentation. It was on a flipchart. Old school.
Phrases were bandied about like
"The opportunity to create a business synergy between our two compatible, but competing, business enterprises was an irresistible force too great to resist"
and
"We expect a phased, strategic rationalisation of merged company resources to take place over the next 9 months"
and, my particular favourite
"The expanded enterprise will gain from The Company's wildly successfull Software team on the Indian sub-continent, enabling it to bring new technological benefits to the customer's of The Corporation worldwide".
What's that again?
"wildly successfull Software team"??
Oh, fuck off, will you please?
There were other key phrases, but they gave me a headache when I tried to digest them. Anyway, by that point I was busy checking out the arse and the legs of some girl from accounts, who was standing about 3 feet away from me. She had on high heels, no tights or stockings, a purple skirt. That's as far as I got.
Smug answered questions.
"What's the new operation going to be called?"
"It's going to be called The Corporation."
"Not, The Company-Corporation?"
"No."
"So, it's a takeover and not a merger?"
"No... It's a takeover."
"So, why isn't The Company name going to be part of the new name."
"Er... That's just the way it is."
Ah... That's OK then.
"What about redundancies?"
"While we obviously cannot rule out redundancies, staff levels will need to be studied to make sure that we are competing..."
Blah, blah, blah. You can make the rest up for yourself, if you like.
"Why did they take us over and not us they them over?"
"They are more profitable than us, even though their product isn't as good!"
Of course. That makes sense.
It turns out that Bill Smug will be taking up a temporary position asBagman Deputy M.D. with The Corporation during the merge takeover period. A party will be held, at some juncture, to celebrate his departure when it happens.
Party? WTF?
Takeovers. Mergers. Business corporate maneuvering. I am uninterested.
What's going to happen is going to happen with no input from me, and it might turn out to be a great thing for me (the almighty kick up the arse that I need?) or it might not (business as usual.). Lorraine has expressed the opinion that if The Corporation are a professional outfit, and it looks that way, the takeover might be a very good thing indeed, with a cull of middle management most definitely on the cards. There has already been one high profile scalp and that is the Finance Director of The Company, who will not be joining The Corporation in any context. Shame that. I have spoken to that guy on a number of occasions and he seemed a very decent, straight kind of guy.
I'll wait and see. What else is there to do? One guy has already said to me that he will be praying to be kicked out so that he can enjoy the payoff. He advised me to do the same.
As if I would do anything else.
There was a presentation. It was on a flipchart. Old school.
Phrases were bandied about like
"The opportunity to create a business synergy between our two compatible, but competing, business enterprises was an irresistible force too great to resist"
and
"We expect a phased, strategic rationalisation of merged company resources to take place over the next 9 months"
and, my particular favourite
"The expanded enterprise will gain from The Company's wildly successfull Software team on the Indian sub-continent, enabling it to bring new technological benefits to the customer's of The Corporation worldwide".
What's that again?
"wildly successfull Software team"??
Oh, fuck off, will you please?
There were other key phrases, but they gave me a headache when I tried to digest them. Anyway, by that point I was busy checking out the arse and the legs of some girl from accounts, who was standing about 3 feet away from me. She had on high heels, no tights or stockings, a purple skirt. That's as far as I got.
Smug answered questions.
"What's the new operation going to be called?"
"It's going to be called The Corporation."
"Not, The Company-Corporation?"
"No."
"So, it's a takeover and not a merger?"
"No... It's a takeover."
"So, why isn't The Company name going to be part of the new name."
"Er... That's just the way it is."
Ah... That's OK then.
"What about redundancies?"
"While we obviously cannot rule out redundancies, staff levels will need to be studied to make sure that we are competing..."
Blah, blah, blah. You can make the rest up for yourself, if you like.
"Why did they take us over and not us they them over?"
"They are more profitable than us, even though their product isn't as good!"
Of course. That makes sense.
It turns out that Bill Smug will be taking up a temporary position as
Party? WTF?
Takeovers. Mergers. Business corporate maneuvering. I am uninterested.
What's going to happen is going to happen with no input from me, and it might turn out to be a great thing for me (the almighty kick up the arse that I need?) or it might not (business as usual.). Lorraine has expressed the opinion that if The Corporation are a professional outfit, and it looks that way, the takeover might be a very good thing indeed, with a cull of middle management most definitely on the cards. There has already been one high profile scalp and that is the Finance Director of The Company, who will not be joining The Corporation in any context. Shame that. I have spoken to that guy on a number of occasions and he seemed a very decent, straight kind of guy.
I'll wait and see. What else is there to do? One guy has already said to me that he will be praying to be kicked out so that he can enjoy the payoff. He advised me to do the same.
As if I would do anything else.
Labels: The Company, The Corporation
# posted by Pynchon @ 9:04 pm 
Comments:
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Yes, it happened to me once, and at first it seemed tragic but immediately I realized a)I hated my job anyway and b)I was getting months salary, plus unemployment compensation, to do nothing (but look for another job of course.) It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My experience of all of this "merger" and "takeover" thing isn't good. I don't want to depress you.
But then as a result of the last takeover years ago from my last employ, I'm where I am today, and haven't looked back since.
So, a double-edged sword then...
But then as a result of the last takeover years ago from my last employ, I'm where I am today, and haven't looked back since.
So, a double-edged sword then...
I hope that only good things come your way as a result of this merger - oops, sorry, "take-over". Carpe Diem, and all that. I once had to wait nine months to hear if I still had a job or not. It was not fun.
medusa: It's not a new thing to me, either. I have been made redundant twice.
The first time I panicked big time, organised lots of interviews, worked really hard in the interviews and had a job lined up for the day after I finally left.
The second time I didn't give a fuck. This was primarily because I had been given very long notice by the company that I was going to be made redundant. (I was told in June 1997 that they expected me to be made redundant in June 1998.) They agreed a deal with me that I would be on time and a half wages until my actual date of departure, with the half being paid upon leaving.
Crucial phrase that. "actual date of departure". I didn't actually leave until December 1999.
Wages at time and a half for two and a half years. I was rolling in money. I didn't even bother looking for a job for 6 months. Like a dick wasted quite a bit of money during that time. I actually looked for a job for 9 months before I got into The Company, and that was only because Lorraine was nagging me.
threelight: I read your experiences at the time with interest. You seem much happier now. If I am kicked out I hope the next place is better.
dougzar: Me to. The problem is if you jump you miss out on redundancy pay and if you don't jump you might actually be stuck where you are, and I definitely do not want to do that. Of course, new broom and all that, it might just become a brilliant place to work, but I very much doubt that.
kayola: Resume? What resume? (Actually, I do have one. I think it is about 7 years old. Of course you are right. Time to update.)
The first time I panicked big time, organised lots of interviews, worked really hard in the interviews and had a job lined up for the day after I finally left.
The second time I didn't give a fuck. This was primarily because I had been given very long notice by the company that I was going to be made redundant. (I was told in June 1997 that they expected me to be made redundant in June 1998.) They agreed a deal with me that I would be on time and a half wages until my actual date of departure, with the half being paid upon leaving.
Crucial phrase that. "actual date of departure". I didn't actually leave until December 1999.
Wages at time and a half for two and a half years. I was rolling in money. I didn't even bother looking for a job for 6 months. Like a dick wasted quite a bit of money during that time. I actually looked for a job for 9 months before I got into The Company, and that was only because Lorraine was nagging me.
threelight: I read your experiences at the time with interest. You seem much happier now. If I am kicked out I hope the next place is better.
dougzar: Me to. The problem is if you jump you miss out on redundancy pay and if you don't jump you might actually be stuck where you are, and I definitely do not want to do that. Of course, new broom and all that, it might just become a brilliant place to work, but I very much doubt that.
kayola: Resume? What resume? (Actually, I do have one. I think it is about 7 years old. Of course you are right. Time to update.)
Yeah, it could be bad but it could be good. It'll be stressful no matter what but you could get the same job with less shit managers, a better job... Things will change.
It's worth updating your resume/CV and adding a few Jobserve/Monster RSS feeds to your feedreader. That way job ads pop up between your favourite blog posts, it's a much less stressful and effort intensive process than actually looking for a job :-)
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It's worth updating your resume/CV and adding a few Jobserve/Monster RSS feeds to your feedreader. That way job ads pop up between your favourite blog posts, it's a much less stressful and effort intensive process than actually looking for a job :-)
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