Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I'm here early because I don't know if I will be inclined to get onto the Internet tonight. If things go badly with the building work, and I lose my Internet connection, then this may be the last post for a while. But I will be back. Don't doubt it.
Last night Lorraine and I finally had the confrontation that has been threatening since the start of the year.
For the first time in near-on a month and a half I made advances towards Lorraine. It was deliberate. I was forcing the issue. Lorraine stopped me and said she had a "headache".
And then I said, and I remember it exactly, because I had pretty well been rehearsing it for days, "You always have a headache, even when you don't have a headache. Do you know something? This relationship is a sham. It's been a sham for a long time. We are barely a couple. We sleep in separate bedrooms, don't do anything together, and it's become a fucking joke. Have you even noticed that I'm not sleeping in the same room as you? You haven't mentioned it. Or are you relieved that I don't bother you anymore? I don't know how you think we can stay together, unless we go to see somebody and sort this out."
She was angry and hurt. She said some things, I said some other things, then I slammed the door and went to bed.
It was a bit of a frosty atmosphere first thing this morning. She snapped at me. I snapped at her. Gradually things warmed up. We made some small talk about some drivel on the TV and she left for work, just after 6:30am.
Words are difficult and do not express what I am thinking.
I just want to love her. I want to love her properly. I want us to be like we were a couple of years ago. Am I such an animal? (She hasn't called me that exactly, but I think that she thinks it.) Am I that insensitive? Is this the way that middle aged couples are supposed to be? Am I an aberration because I don't think that mad sex and enjoying it is the prerogative of young people?
I'm amazed that I haven't cheated on her. Except for Friday's brainspike I haven't come close. I'm not greatly attractive, though, so I suppose that is a blessing.
How boring is this? Very boring. What's that line from that Springsteen song? "I'm tired and bored with myself".
I am.
Last night Lorraine and I finally had the confrontation that has been threatening since the start of the year.
For the first time in near-on a month and a half I made advances towards Lorraine. It was deliberate. I was forcing the issue. Lorraine stopped me and said she had a "headache".
And then I said, and I remember it exactly, because I had pretty well been rehearsing it for days, "You always have a headache, even when you don't have a headache. Do you know something? This relationship is a sham. It's been a sham for a long time. We are barely a couple. We sleep in separate bedrooms, don't do anything together, and it's become a fucking joke. Have you even noticed that I'm not sleeping in the same room as you? You haven't mentioned it. Or are you relieved that I don't bother you anymore? I don't know how you think we can stay together, unless we go to see somebody and sort this out."
She was angry and hurt. She said some things, I said some other things, then I slammed the door and went to bed.
It was a bit of a frosty atmosphere first thing this morning. She snapped at me. I snapped at her. Gradually things warmed up. We made some small talk about some drivel on the TV and she left for work, just after 6:30am.
Words are difficult and do not express what I am thinking.
I just want to love her. I want to love her properly. I want us to be like we were a couple of years ago. Am I such an animal? (She hasn't called me that exactly, but I think that she thinks it.) Am I that insensitive? Is this the way that middle aged couples are supposed to be? Am I an aberration because I don't think that mad sex and enjoying it is the prerogative of young people?
I'm amazed that I haven't cheated on her. Except for Friday's brainspike I haven't come close. I'm not greatly attractive, though, so I suppose that is a blessing.
How boring is this? Very boring. What's that line from that Springsteen song? "I'm tired and bored with myself".
I am.
# posted by Pynchon @ 7:52 am 
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Aha, "Dancing in the Dark", the best hidden disco song of the 80's. Which incidentally, is just after 'I don;t feel like Dancin'" on my mp3 player, and a perfect fit.
Brilliant Disguise, now thats a song.Great lyrics, too.
Brilliant Disguise, now thats a song.Great lyrics, too.
At least you finally said what you've obviously needed to say for a long time. Getting something off your chest that's been festering can never be a bad thing. I really do hope things start looking up for you both.
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