Pynchon

I sure as hell know how to write a boring post. I mean, what was that? Sadly, there is more to come.

So, I saw "Pan's Labyrinth" (really good, a little masterpiece, go and see it, blah, blah, etc.) and headed into town. I managed to squeeze myself past the hordes cluttering up Victoria Square in search of bargains and/or food at the German Christmas market, and headed towards the Bull Ring and from there to Debenhams.

In another triumph of hope over experience I found myself on the ladies clothing floor and, again, began to browse for lingerie for Lorraine. Utter pointless, but I expected it. Debenhams is another store that only caters for ladies without tits and/or asses. They don't seem to be missing the custom, so perhaps they have made the right business decision. I did note that I was the only guy in the department at the time. Nobody made any eye contact with me. Perhaps the pretty ladies all thought that I was buying for myself? (I never have problem buying underwear for myself, but then again I do have the body of a God. Shame it's Buddah. Good joke that. I read it on a T-shirt.)

So, after Rackhams and Debenhams, M&S it was going to be. Not fashionable, but they have never let me down in the bra and knickers department. It took a long time, but I finally chose two lacy (nearly) see through sets for Lorraine. Girly pink and virginal white. They are practical enough for me to claim that they are... Er... practical choices, but also sexy enough for her to, hopefully, feel nice about herself. I want her to feel nice about herself. It has been a long time since she has felt nice about herself.

Did some food shopping and then I went home.

After feeding Moon The Cat, for tea I had the healthy single man's choice. Bacon and eggs with toast and butter and a huge mug of tea. It made me feel great. I then settled down to watch "The X-Factor".

Ben out! Ray in the final! Fuck, what? Actually, I don't mind Ray. He is an entertainer with a passable voice, but no way can he be anybody's idea of a modern pop star. I think if there are enough people who are pissed off with the idea of the completely tedious, obvious and unoriginal Leona winning, then Ray might actually steal it. Do we need another big voiced, wailing girl singer emoting her way through a song? No, we don't.

I then watched "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo" on Sky Movies. Yes, it's bad and coarse, but Rob Schneider is funny and I did laugh all the way through it. Nice to see Kelly Brook pop up as the lady in the painting, playing a geek boys fantasy. Ah, Kelly... And was that Rachel Stevens I spied, playing one of Deuce's clients? I think it was. Ah, Rachel...

Then I blogged. The end.

Dot dot dot.

Let me tell you a story.

A year or so ago I was in bed with a girl. She was an actress. Quite a successful actress, actually. You've probably heard of her. Anyway, we were in bed and she was tired (my fault, I'm afraid I wore her out), but she wanted to talk.

"I don't know what to choose for my next film", she said.

"You should think about lightening up", I said.

"Lightening up?"

"Yes. Lightening up. All you do are serious or challenging parts. You should try something lighter. Remember that spy film you did a couple of years ago? You enjoyed doing that, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"And remember how pissed off you were for turning down that part in 'Love Actually'. I can't remember who did it instead."

"Keira Knightley."

"Yeah. Keira Knightley. You could have pulled that off. Nice part. Nice little comedy. You'd have been good in that."

And then she became very quiet and thoughtful.

A couple of weeks later Kate came in very excited. She had a script that she liked. A romantic comedy set around Christmas time. She asked me to read it and I did.

I didn't like it. It was way too coy, cloying, cute, sweet and predictable. The whole thing was slightly annoying and queasy. The American Girl character was awful. The British guy character was a sap and self consciously a nice man. Kate's part was OK and so was the part of the American Guy, but neither of them were particularly exciting or memorable characters. There were lots of things wrong with the script.

It was also badly researched. I'll give you an example. There was a scene when the American Girl character is in the UK and is watching a trailer that she made for an action film. (The American Girl character's job is as a film trailer maker.) Voiceover Man is giving it some welly and ends with the very deep and gruff proclamation, "Christmas Day", which I suppose was when the film is supposed to be coming out. No. Wrong. In the UK the cinemas are closed on Christmas Day. As far as I am aware this has always been the case. e.g. No films open here on Christmas Day. Family films often open on Boxing Day, but not on Christmas Day. Somebody should have picked up on that.

Anyway, Kate was very pissed at me. She said, "What the hell do you know about films, anyway?" and then, "I'm doing the film, and for your information, my ex Rufus is going to be playing my ex in the film!" and then she walked out.

I heard that she went back to her husband Sam. Probably for the best. Her husband is a film director, you know. I've liked a couple of his films.

Anyway, the film came out this weekend and I went to see it today. It's called "The Holiday". I suppose you want a picture. Here's Kate looking happy.



"The Holiday" wasn't very good, for all of the reasons I mention above. I had hoped that Jack Black might give the American Guy character a bit of oomph, but sadly not. He seemed to be acting on tranquilisers. They should have let Jack Black play Jack Black. Jack Black is very good at playing Jack Black. Nice Dustin Hoffman joke, though. That wasn't in the script that I read.

I have purchased the last of Lorraine's presents. It is a toy figure of Captain Jack Harkness from "Doctor Who" and "Torchwood" . Lorraine has often said that she would like John Barrowman to cuddle up with at Christmas, and now she will be getting the next best thing.