Pynchon

I went back to work today. It was the best day of my life.

I finally finished developing the cure for cancer. It is called Compound Pynchon-B (CPB for short). CPB comes in tablet form and works like this. You are diagnosed with cancer. You take two tablets just before going to bed. You sleep for 8 hours. When you wake up, the cancer has gone and will never return.

An interesting by-product of my cure-for-cancer research is the cure I have also developed for HIV. Same tablets, same result. One interesting difference is that the cure for HIV can be spread in exactly the same way as the HIV virus. Unprotected sex, blood transfusions, sharing needles, etc. I estimate that within 2 years the HIV virus will be obliterated.

I tested my anti-gravity device. I found the fattest manager in The Company levitated him 10 feet into the air and kept him airborne for 30 minutes. I believe that the anti-gravity device will eventually revolutionize world air travel. Clean, environmentally friendly and portable. Much like my Nuclear Fusion device that I tested last week.

Lunch time and I decamped to The Company restaurant, where I enjoyed a 5 course meal (my recipe, of course) prepared by Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson. (I am so glad that the management took seriously my suggestion to offer them both jobs.)

After lunch, I took a trip in my Time Machine.

(Remember my confusion after I went back to November 22nd 1963 and prevented the Kennedy assassination, only to find that the history books still showed that that event had occurred once I had returned home? Well, it turned out that it was impossible to change our past - paradoxes, apparently - but that every change I did make spawned a separate reality and that it was possible to skip forward in time in that reality to see how it turned out. Clever, eh?)

Today I went back to December 8th 1980 and knocked the gun out of Mark Chapman's hand, just as he was aiming at John Lennon. I then knocked Chapman out cold and called the police. I had a chat with John and Yoko. They were nice. I got their autographs and somebody took a picture of us. I looked good! I left before the police arrived. (I wonder if in that world I am a great modern mystery? Who was the man who saved John Lennon?)

I skipped forward 5 years to July 13th 1985, in that reality, and watched the Beatles headline "Live Aid" at the JFK Stadium in Philadelphia. They were awesome. Looks like John and Paul managed to settled their differences, at least for that day.

Back to our reality and back to work. It was a mad rush of an afternoon.

Did a tasting, with the staff, of the new chocolate I have developed that tastes exactly like real chocolate, but is not fattening. It was quite a hit.

Checked my lottery ticket. I had won. There had been multiple rollovers so I am now worth 40 million pounds. I vowed to give it all to charity.

Late afternoon I took a conference call with Prime Minister Blair and President Bush, where I outlined my plan to bring peace to the Middle East. They both liked the plan a great deal and said that I would be a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize next year.

The Queen called to offer me a knighthood. I turned her down.

Seven ladies at work asked me out. Nothing new there, but today Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz and Sara Rue also phoned asking if I would consider going out with them. I turned them all down. I do not look at other ladies. There is only one lady in my thoughts.

I went home in my Rolls Royce. Lorraine was waiting for me. She was wearing lingerie. I made mad passionate love to her. She said I was great!

The best day of my life.

Ah....