Pynchon

Snakes In A Theatre turns out to be hoax!

So basically, somebody was taking the hiss.

(A sad eyed preacher on a hill rings a funeral bell. A cold wind blows through the abandoned frontier town.)

Moving on...

I love a good survey. Nicked from Graham and Mark.

Talk us through what you're wearing?
England top, khaki shorts, blue plimsols full of holes.

What are you listening to at the moment?
"Non Stop Erotic Cabaret" by Soft Cell.

Describe your worst haircut?
When I was about 15 I took some scissors to the front of my hair. So, very short at the front, long at the back and sides. I looked like an absolute tit for a couple of weeks.

MySpace - life changing or timewasting?
Only one answer? OK. Timewasting. Or is it life changing? I don't know. I have only been on it a couple of times.

Favourite film and why?
I normally put "The Day The Earth Caught Fire", but how about something recent for a change? "Requiem For A Dream". Extreme, scary, hallucinogenic, brilliantly acted (especially by Ellen Burstyn, who was robbed by Julia Roberts for the Best Actress Oscar that year), brilliantly written, brilliantly filmed. Already a classic. (Anybody else looking forward to "The Fountain" later this year?)

Will Daniel Craig make a good Bond?
Sure he will. He is a really good actor. I would have to admit that he is not the actor I would have chosen (I would have gone for somebody like Gerard Butler), but eventually it is all going to be down to the kind of movie they have made. Roger Moore couldn't have been in a hard boiled thriller, but on the other hand Daniel Craig couldn't have been in "Moonraker". I have a feeling that "Casino Royale" will be loved by the critics, but will not be as big a hit as the producers hope it will be.

What's your hangover cure?
A pint of water, bananas and a large bowl of cornflakes, before going to bed. It works. No hangover. Try it.

Would you ever consider dating a footballer?
Sure I would. Have you seen some of those lady footballers? Strong leg muscles. Think about it.

What's on your rider?
Food and drink. No cheese. Cheese is devil vomit.

Is there a song lyric you had wish you had written?
"I drive a rolls Royce cause' it good for my voice." Ah, the great Marc Bolan. That is actually a terrible lyric, but I can't think of anything serious at the moment.

How far do you think you'd get on Pop Idol?
Probably wouldn't even get in the room. A guy at work tried out last year. He said something about there being a pre audition, audition. If you are very good or very bad you get to perform in front of the judges, otherwise it's don't call us we'll call you.

Who, in all pop history, is the most over-rated?
Very difficult. If I don't like something I tend to dismiss it and not give it another thought. Overrated? I never liked 80's hair metal very much. Bon Jovi were big enough to sell out Wembley Stadium in this country. How the hell did that happen? What kind of Devil's work was this?

Who's the sexiest man/woman in pop?
Man: Mick Jagger, circa 1967/68.
Woman: I actually think Britney Spears is astoundingly sexy. Sue me.

Name a genuinely sad song?
"I Know It's Over" by The Smiths.

What do you hate being asked?
"Can you stay over and finish this job?" My normal answer to that is "Will I get paid?"

What's your favourite Keane song?
"Bedshaped", but I'm not a big fan.

Is hanging too good for Pete Doherty?
No. He doesn't irritate me. He is just tabloid fodder. Lump him in with the latest Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan/Victoria Beckham gossip. Read the story, smile (or scowl) and onto the next story. Such a shame because I rather liked the second Libertines album. Sadly any relevance Pete Doherty had to music at one time has now long gone. Perhaps his next record will be a defining moment in British rock music, but I doubt it. Imagine if he had been brilliant at Live 8? Everything would have changed.

Have you ever lied during the course of this interview?
No.

What makes you happy?
Being knocked out by a really good movie, book, TV programme, whatever.

What would be on your Coat Of Arms?
A single finger. Raised.

What was the last item you bought off the internet?
Some flowers for Lorraine. They should be arriving on Saturday morning.

What's your favourite smell?
The smell of female. (Make of that what you will.)

What was the first song you ever wrote?
Never written a song. Perhaps I will. These things take time, but when my solo album is released it will change the world.

Under pain of death would you eat human flesh?
I doubt it. Then again, I do eat in The Company canteen, so I cannot imagine that it would be much worse than that.

What will you be wearing this autumn?
Hopefully a new coat. Also some very stylish Ben Sherman tops.

What are you reading at the moment?
Absolutely nothing. I should be reading the James Ellroy book on my sidebar, but I have not picked that up in months.

What do you make of the Arctic Monkeys?
They are OK, but I'll give them 3 years before they split.

Is this a good time for John Pynchon?
Let's put it this way. Sometimes my feet hurt. Sometimes my right wrist also hurts. I am overweight. I do not sleep very well. Lorraine has no interest in having sexual relations with me. My job is dogshit, but I can't do anything else. I am lazy. My confidence is at it's lowest ebb. But... There are a lot of people worse off than me and I know it. I am fine. Not a good time for me, but I am fine.