Pynchon

1. Affirmative. (As of 11:30 on Saturday morning the house was spick and span. There was a slight crisis when Moon The Cat decided to have a stinky shit in his litter tray seconds after I had changed it, but I find that a cattle prod inserted up a feline arse can discipline a Cat remarkably well.) (Note to those with no sense of humour: I do not own a cattle prod, and if I did, I would not use it on a Cat. True, I might consider using a cattle prod on some of the managers' at work...)
2. Affirmative. (Nearly 50 quid - I think - from M&S. Real, fake Italian leather.)
3. Affirmative. (I was in the bank at 11:45. The queue stretched for miles. There was an old racist guy in the queue in front of me moaning and complaining to his bitch. He speculated that if a black guy were to walk into the bank and push into the front of the queue nobody would say a thing. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him that my Mom was black. Then I smiled. He never said a thing, Jim.) (Note to those who have ever wondered about my racial makeup: I am not black. Neither was my Mom. My maternal Grandfather was English, my maternal Grandmother was Italian. My paternal Grandmother was American, my paternal Grandfather was Irish. My paternal Grandmother's lover was Scottish - she married him later - great guy - he loved us like we were his own Grandchildren. It's a bit of a mess. Got all that? Good. There might be questions later.)
4. Affirmative. (Apparently it is the Knebworth '79 tour, which means that they will be playing the set that Led Zeppellin played when they appeared at... duh... Knebworth in 1979. I could lookup the set details. I won't. I want the surprise.)
5. Negative. (No time.)
6. Negative. (No time. I feel edgy. I always feel edgy when a weekend has gone by without me seeing a film at the cinema.)
7. Affirmative. (Booked for Wednesday evening. We got the last sofa seat. I was served by the petite redheaded? Girl who looks very arty and has been known to wear a beret. She is not my type at all, but for some reason I find her fantastically sexy. Perhaps it's the hat? Beret Girl said that they have sold all of the sofa seats for the week. Obviously people do not give a shit about the reviews, or did they book before the reviews came out?)
8. Affirmative. (I thought it was great. Last week's I thought was good, but probably the weakest episode of the current series so far. Spoiler!!! They have also setup a nice spin off with Mickey in the alternative Earth if they want to do it.)
9. Affirmative. (Rock 'n' Roll Finland! Absolutely dreadful. A major pisstake. Excellent. Will there be a wave of Death Metal bands applying for next year's contest? No. I don't think so. Does anybody know anything about Lordi? Are they supposed to be a good example of that genre? I know of Slipknot, but have never heard so much as a note of their music.)
10. Affirmative. (Horrendous. Fat people fighting over samples of whiskeys, brandies, liqueurs, orange juice, fruit juice, sausages, pork pies, scotch eggs, red wine, white wine, cognacs, scrumpy, bread, etc. And that was just Lorraine and me. Actually, it was not the greatest Food/Home show we have been to. It was a little low key. We purchased some cooking oils and sauces, breads and a couple of other things. Ian and Penny seemed to enjoy it. Penny purchased some fake yellow grass. Six foot high... Indeed.)
11. I have an 11! I purchased "Just Like Heaven" for Lorraine to cheer her up. It is a terrible film, but Lorraine liked it a lot when we saw it last year. To cheer myself up I purchased in a 3-for-18-quid offer, "Led Zeppellin", "Led Zeppellin III" and "The Magic Numbers".

Report over, except that things are still mellow. Lorraine has still not noticed the fridge magnet. It is pissing me off, now. Steps need to be taken.

Cow.

# posted by Pynchon @ 7:06 pm